#94 Defeating Sexual Inhibition to Access True Sexual Confidence and Personality with Jaiya Ma
Also, we're really going to look at a whole new philosophy towards sex that I think you’re going to really enjoy, and I found pretty powerful myself.
Today's guest is Jaiya. She's a sexologist and has a lifestyle which you could say involves a lot of sex. She's explored her own sexuality and has had a pretty long journey of development herself.
During her development, and as part of what she does; she's watched couples to learn as well, at studying everything she can get her hands on. You name it: Tantra, massage, taboos, kink, BDSM, etc., and acting as a Somatic Sexologist; actually helping and working directly with people on their sexuality to get past their inhibitions, or insecurities.
She's actually worked with over 3,000 people to date. That's a hell of a lot of experience. I personally, thoroughly enjoyed this interview and got a lot out of it. So I know you're going to also. So pay attention. This is really a rockstar episode. You're going to get tons out of it.
Specifically, in this episode you'll learn about:
- Jaiya's background and relationship lifestyle (02:57)
- The experiences in Jaiya's life that started her sexuality journey - healer, heal thyself (03:52)
- Jaiya's approach to teaching others as a somatic sexologist (the combining of somatics and sexology - as well as Tantra, Taoism, shamanism, yoga, and meditation - in order to experience greater awareness through the body) (07:40)
- Setting goals on the journey of sexuality: the sexual blueprint and its five erotic types (09:46)
- Discovering your erotic type blueprint and possibly transitioning to a type that may be better for you (17:53)
- Do some men chase women that are not the sexual blueprint type for them? (25:43)
- Bio-energetics: 1) what is happening on the cellular level, and 2) how sensitive we are energetically. More importantly, the energetics we put out into the world - our polarity (the masculine and feminine dynamic) (27:58)
- Jaiya's approach and evolvement: the truth of what's happening in the body (30:39)
- Disagreeing with a lot of the research (because it's not from a hands-on felt experience) of what is truly happening in the body in arousal and/or orgasmic states (32:44)
- The benefits of exploring and expanding your sexuality (34:55)
- Are men not enjoying sex because they have a disconnection from it, a disconnection from awareness? (37:18)
- Partners that are different sexual types who come together to expand their sexuality (39:05)
- Exercises and steps to becoming self-aware when nervous about your sexuality: changing your mindset (42:40)
- How working on your sex life makes a beneficial impact in other areas of your life (46:50)
- The difference between resistance and sexual boundaries (48:45)
- Unique approaches to female sexual pleasure (55:57)
- Female ejaculation, whether it's beneficial to women, and if this should be a focus area for men (01:00:51)
- Best way to connect with Jaiya to learn more about her and her work (1:05:20)
- Recommendations for great sex advice and insight (1:06:25)
- Top three recommendations for guys starting from scratch to improve the sex and sexuality areas of their life as fast as possible (1:07:40)
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Items Mentioned in this Episode include:
- Esther Perel: Jaiya quoted Esther, "We don't have one sexuality. We have multiple sexualities." Mentioned while discussing how to set goals in your sexual journey. Jaiya recommends Esther's relationship advice for couples struggling with passion, or to prevent a passionless relationship. Jaiya also highly recommends Esther's book: Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.
- The Notebook: Jaiya referred to this movie while discussing the five erotic types within the journey of sexuality, and sensuality.
- DSR Podcast Episode 79: Orgasmic Meditation with Toni: Angel noted this DSR podcast while discussing the sexual blueprint and its five erotic types, and the energy generated through orgasmic meditation.
- DSR Podcast Episode 93: How and Why to Start Swinging (and Insights into Cam Modelling) with Swinging MILF: Angel noted this DSR podcast regarding partners of different sexual types coming together to expand their sexuality, for example people in the swinger community.
- Men, Women and Relationships: Making Peace with the Opposite Sex (John Gray): While discussing the difference between resistance and sexual boundaries, Jaiya noted best-selling author John Gray's motto of "tell me more" when communicating in a relationship to understand each other.
- Fifty Shades of Grey (E L James): Jaiya referenced this book and how its success is due to targeting women's erotic triggers and how their minds are blown by being wanted and the object of a man's desire.
- DSR Podcast Episode 47: Mastering the Art of Seduction with Robert Greene: Angel noted this DSR podcast and Robert Greene's book The Art of Seduction in reference to approaching female sexual pleasure and the 'rake' character, who ravishes and seduces women.
- Women's Anatomy of Arousal (Sheri Winston): Jaiya recommended this book while discussing female ejaculation and female anatomy problems. Sheri Winston was also featured in her own DSR podcast: Ep. #69 Arousing Women Holistically with Sheri Winston. Jaiya believes Sheri offers great advice concerning women's anatomy.
- Your Path to Passion: Jaiya's yearly 2-day event (held in L.A.) for couples and singles to create their ultimate relationship. It also dives into sexual blueprints. Jaiya is offering a scholarship to DSR Podcast listeners.
- To receive Jaiya's Sex Communication Checklist, or for more information, send her an email: [email protected]
- Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships (Christopher Ryan, Cacilda Jetha): Jaiya thinks this book is great regarding our conversation around sexuality, our history as human beings, and our evolutionary process of sex.
Books, Courses and Training from JAIYA
Full Text Transcript of the Interview
[Angel Donovan]: Jaiya, thanks so much for coming on the show.
[Jaiya Ma]: I am so thrilled and honored to be here.
[Angel Donovan]: Oh excellent. So, give us a little bit of information about you. Where you're living, how old you are and what kind of relationship lifestyle do you have today?
[Jaiya Ma]: Well, I live in Los Angeles in a special place called Topanga Canyon which is near Malibu. So, I have an amazing place where I get to see ocean mists come in on a daily basis. It's incredible.
I am hitting 40 almost. Woohoo!
[Angel Donovan]: Wooo.
[Jaiya Ma]: All those journeys are on the sun and I think my biggest passion in life is teaching people about sexuality. I am on a huge mission to shift our cultural view about sex as something that's been deemed bad and wrong or taboo in our culture to something that is celebrated and cultivated and is seen as a powerful way to create more success, aliveness and longevity in our lives. There are so many benefits to a healthy sex.
[Angel Donovan]: I love the passion you're communicating there. It's great to hear it. So, I'd be interested...like how did you triggered or, is there something that triggered you in your life to start this journey or was it just kind of something that evolved over time and just happened? Was there an event or did anything happen?
[Jaiya Ma]: It's the "healer heal thyself" story. So at a young age, I really had a lot of trauma and history, shame growing, Catholicism. You know, all that stuff the culture tells us about sex, about us, about our bodies and I just set out to heal that.
I actually wanted to become a doctor and had started...I wanted to do holistic medicine and then, started to apply at different places and this one woman looked at me and she said, "You are mess and until you fix your sexuality..."
[Angel Donovan]: Wow.
[Jaiya Ma]: "...you're never going to succeed in this life."
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Jaiya Ma]: And that was a big blow. It was a big blow. It was like a huge slap in the face, cold water on my erection. So, I had to rethink everything and look at my sexuality and she was absolutely right. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I was 210 pounds, I had severe...
[Angel Donovan]: Wow, I would never believe that.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, most people look at me and they're like, "What?"
[Angel Donovan]: I love to see the before and after photo. You could sell that, whatever product that was.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, it was having a healthy sex life. I mean, really getting in touch and looking at why I was in the relationship I was in and why I put on so much weight was fear of his jealously of other men. I mean, there was so much going on there.
So, I had to really take a look at what was happening in my body. I had severe endometriosis. Doctors said I'd never had kids. I had infertility. I mean, like all this stuff going on in my lower body, all the weight and when I got serious about it, yeah, it was the root of my sexual shame, my sexuality, the lower parts of my body, how I felt about my body and I had to do some serious work. [05:45]
So, that was the first step but, I also say, I kind of came in this way and then, it got shut down. So, when I was like four, five, six, I would tell my parents that this is what want to do. I wanted to be like Dr. Ruth. I wanted to go into fertility. You know, fertility was sort of my quote for sex.
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Jaiya Ma]: I kind of still hide. I kind of still...
[Angel Donovan]: Four, five, or six...
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah. [06:05]
[Angel Donovan]: ... you were saying that already? Cool.
[Jaiya Ma]: And doing a lot of games. You know, "I'll show you mine, you show me yours." My inciting events of shame was my grandmother catching my in the bushes with a boy playing, you know, "I'll show you mine, you show me yours."
[Angel Donovan]: Wow, you're a natural.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yep, I was. So, I came in that way and I think I always had an inherent interest in sex and one of my teachers says, "Some people are gifted at drums. Some people are gifted at speaking. Some people are gifted at this. You came in erotically gifted." Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: Outstanding and then so, I'm guessing that you got shut down by your parents or something?
[Jaiya Ma]: My grandmother was the big one and then, my parents. You know, the Catholic upbringing that didn't help, a father who was very what I call "low masculine", "The aggressive women should be not heard sort of submissive to the man..."
[Angel Donovan]: Kind of the patriarch almost?
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes, very, very strong and an abusive household. So, my father was very abusive to my mother and that all shaped my sexual trauma's wounds which then, I sought out to heal and in seeking out to heal them, wanted to keep sharing with other people because, it's like there's so much suffering around this in our relationship and people who stay alone because of this big thing we're not talking about and I have the tools. I did it. I succeeded in shifting and changing all of that. So, why not share it with others?
[Angel Donovan]: And you came from somewhere where a lot of people don't have to come from.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: Sounds like, you know...
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: So, that's a bigger extreme. Yeah, that's the way it works for a lot of us, right?
[Jaiya Ma]: Right.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah so, the way you approach this, would you say...I don't know if you call yourself a sexologist or you call yourself something but, if you're a sex educator or a sexologist, did you approach differently to other people do you think?
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, I'm a somatic sexologist and so, what that's means is that I have a body-based approach. I see a lot of people who... and there's nothing wrong with therapy. I absolutely think that there are some valuable things there but, I see a lot people who have been in therapy 10, 20, 30 years dealing with the same issues. I get to the root of it in the body. So, I'm looking at it from four perspectives.
I'm looking at it from the body, the mind, the biochemistry (meaning what's happening with your hormones) and I'm also looking at it on a deep energetic level because, we're bio-energetic before we are any of those things. So, in a deep cellular level, like what's going on in your sexuality on that very, very subtle level.
So, I'm looking at a whole...wanting to be a holistic doctor, I'm looking the holistic view of our sexuality not just from the psyche emotional but, I get to work hands on and hands in in bodies. I have a specialized license in the state of California. So, I work with a lot of bodies. I get to do a lot of touch and see what's in there and how effective it is to actually move through that on a body-standpoint.
[Angel Donovan]: So, that means you've done a lot of one-to-one coaching over time, basically?
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, I've probably worked with, I don't know, close to 3000 bodies.
[Angel Donovan]: Wow.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah so lots of time...
[Angel Donovan]: Both men and women, I'm guessing.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, both men and women. I started my career with only men, surprisingly. I worked mostly with men. I love men. So, I have a special place in my heart always. I such compassion and just love men. So, I've worked with a lot of male bodies when I first started out. Then, I started working with a lot of women and now, I work with couples and men mostly. That's my big passion is working with those bodies.
[Angel Donovan]: Great, great and I don't...I think we said, you actually have a polyamorous relationship, right?
[Jaiya Ma]: I do. Well, given that I do the work that I do, I have to be with a very special man who understands that I'm touching people's bodies in a very intimate way. So, it's given to having a more open relationship, yes.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, absolutely works very well like that. So, I want to talk a bit about the journey because, I saw some your models and it looked like you were basically talking about a journey from where someone start and they can start in different places depending where they've got to and you kind of talk about some goals on where to get to and that's kind of a hard thing to say.
Are we all heading for the same goal? Are there different goals for us? How do you kind of see this journey of sexuality.
[Jaiya Ma]: One of my favorite is by Esther Perel who says, "We don't have one sexuality, we have multiple sexualities." I think if there were any goal it would be becoming more full-spectrum in our sexuality, meaning that we have more vocabulary and freedom to move through what I call becoming a shape shifter.
So, let me back just a little bit so people can understand. Everyone has an erotic blueprint. What I discovered through touching and being hands-on with all of these people's bodies and their psychologies and all of this is that we all have a signature blueprint.
In that blueprint, we have different stages, we have different erotic types and we have these four obstacles to our sexual health and wellness and pleasure. Especially, since you guys are dating, you're talking to a lot of dating people, I think it's important to recognize number one the erotic types because, that is going to inform how you may speak to someone, how may touch someone and your skills as a lover towards that person or even your attraction that you're creating outside the bedroom towards them.
[Angel Donovan]: Sure, so we can get an idea of what an erotic type is, what would be an example?
[Jaiya Ma]: So, there are five of them that I've discovered. Energetic, this is someone who’s turned on by space, anticipation and tease. Too much, too quick, too fast for them is going actually have them put their walls up towards you. So actually, teasing them, giving them space, give them a little, touch them a little, take it away that is going to be more effective for that type.
[Angel Donovan]: So, you find both guys and girls with the same erotic types?
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes, yes absolutely. An example of an energetic guy, I had a celebrity come into me and he...I can't say who it is but...
[Angel Donovan]: Of course.
[Jaiya Ma]: ...he...a powerful person and anybody's whose a celebrity person in this world, they're powerful, they're on stage and all this stuff but, couldn't get an erection. And so, he and his wife came in and she's doing the pogo stick thing, you know, everything that she's seen in every porn movie or...
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Jaiya Ma]:...Cosmo magazine, nothing was working and he's young so, what's going on here and I just started hovering my hands over his body not touching him because, I always start with the energetic to see if someone is that type. When I hovered over his genitals, he got an erection and both of them looked at me with these huge eyes and they're like, "What is going on."
[Angel Donovan]: Wow, they were like, "That's magic!" That sounds like magic.
[Jaiya Ma]: It is like magic and then like, if I raised my hand, the penis raises. If I lower my hand, the penis lowers. It's like...
[Angel Donovan]: Even with no touching?
[Jaiya Ma]: No touching.
[Angel Donovan]: Just in the space.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, in the space.
[Angel Donovan]: Thank you for that example. That makes it a lot clearer.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, yeah and he started shaking and shuddering and having orgasms and he's just like looking at me going, "What's going on?" I said, "You're wired energetically. All of this other stuff is short-circuiting you out. It's too much, too quick, too fast. You go into overwhelm."
[Angel Donovan]: It's too much, yeah.
[Jaiya Ma]: So, the next one is sensual and the sensual type is turned on by all of their senses being stimulated. So, where energetic is about space, this is about like full body, long strokes, fill in all the space between your hand and their body, a smell, a taste, sensual eating, baths, romance. They love context. So, the Notebook is like, I hear that all the time and it's like one of the sensual's like... that scene with them kissing in the rain with the swans and the context.
[Angel Donovan]: So, you could even maybe run these film scenes by people, "Does that appeal to you?" and you get some kind of idea.
[Jaiya Ma]: Absolutely I actually, on my Facebook, we have different scenes and "guess what types these are" for the people who know the types. So, the sensual in their shadow side, very stuck in their head, can't get out of their head. They're thinking about 10,000 things.
An example, a client of mine, she's sexually wired which I haven't talked about yet but, she's naked on the bed. You can get the picture, super model type, just gorgeous. He walks in and he doesn't see his wife naked on the bed, he sees the socks on the floor and the socks on the floor make him think about the laundry not being down and the laundry not being down makes him think about the work that needs to be done. Then, the work that needs to be done makes him think of his entire schedule with the kids and the dah, dah, dah and he is not turned on.
[Angel Donovan]: It's funny because, that's kind of the stereotype for a girl right?
[Jaiya Ma]: Right.
[Angel Donovan]: That's what we say the way girls react.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: It's interesting to say that it could happen on both sides.
[Jaiya Ma]: I like to bust the myth that guys are the sexual people because, I see it all over the place and I don't see that being true. Like, "Guys are just simple." It's like, "No they're not. You have so much complexity and anxiety. I mean, this is the anxiety archetype of..."
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, it's just a high-stress world we live in. Everyone's distracted, right?
[Jaiya Ma]: Yep and we all to some extent have that distraction. We have an epidemic of disengagement going on. So, I can talk about that later but, the next type is sexual and the sexual type is easily turned on. They are like, no problem with nudity, love sex, super fun in bed, just like ready to do it, they're 0 to 60 really quickly.
They're shadow side is that sex...if they're wasn't an erection, or they're wasn't an orgasm, or they're wasn't wetness, something is wrong and they just stop instead of just playing and being an exploration. So, they can get very one-way and that's the only definition to sex and it has to involve penetration as opposed to all the other blueprints.
[Angel Donovan]: So, that would be more related to porn because, there's a lot of guys today who have watched a lot of porn of course and does that help to push them towards maybe that type of erotic type?
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes, they think that that's what sex is.
[Angel Donovan]: Is this something we're born with or is this just something where you find someone is at this moment in time.
[Jaiya Ma]: Here's what I see a lot of with the sexual blueprint (and I'm going to speak directly to men) is there's a masking that goes on. One because, they don’t' know that this other thing is aware that there are energetic and sensual and these other blueprints that are available. Two is that they think that this is what they are supposed to be as men because, we have lack of mentorship around sex. We have lack of education around sex so, what our mentorship is is porn. So we think, "My penis needs to look that way. My penis needs to be that hard the whole time. My penis needs to dah, dah, you know. I need to..."
[Angel Donovan]: Right, right, you've got this one model and it's just been drilled into you 100,00 times. So, something I did recently (you probably know about this) is orgasmic meditation. Have you ever got into that? So, I did that for a while and it's amazing the energy and stuff it sends through you when you do it. You don't really think about when you first do it that it's going to have that kind of effect on the guy. You think, it's just for the girl. So, I guess that would fit into...
[Jaiya Ma]: It's actually a shape-shifter model, orgasmic meditation. It can be used in all ways which I haven't talked about yet. It's the last one of these archetypes but, it's also very energetic. The way you're experiencing it is very energetic.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Jaiya Ma]: Which is like, "Whoa, I'm feeling the energy from this and no penis is required," which totally tweaks the brain, you know?
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Jaiya Ma]: It's like, "I've been told I need my penis for sex."
[Angel Donovan]: So, it's kind of like you can have all of these types like, you're saying, shape-shifting but, you have to kind of learn that.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes.
[Angel Donovan]: Because, until I'd been exposed to that, I through meditation and stuff, I'd experienced something similar but, even before meditation, I didn't even know anything about that kind of experience. So, it's kind of thing that has to be awakened up in you.
[Jaiya Ma]: Right absolutely, I call it expanding the blueprint. So, whatever blueprint, whatever type you are, you have to learn to feed it, speak it, heal it and expand it. So, when you're expanding your blueprint, you're starting to step into, "Well, what would energetic be like and what are all the things that are sexually-based that might fit into the energetic category. That might be things like orgasmic meditation, tantra, Taoism, learning how to move and transmute sexual energy through your body and awaken it for lateen genius."
An example, I did a sex and money challenge and so, I had an orgasm every day at a certain time with the intention of increasing abundance and awakening lateen genius in my brain. So, I used the sexual to transmute through my body to that and I tripled my income in the 90 days that I did that.
[Angel Donovan]: Very good, very good. Yeah, I believe it's in there. I can understand more sexual energy better.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yep, yep.
[Angel Donovan]: Yep.
[Jaiya Ma]: So, we started the sexual blueprint to cultivate that, the sexual type and that's a great place to start. I'm actually an energetic sexual. So, I have both of these in my blueprint very, very intensely. So, I can cultivate a lot of sexual energy but, I always want to move it through my body. Too much, too quick will short-circuit that sexual part of me.
[Angel Donovan]: So, how does...for a guy at home, how does he discover...because, it's kind of like where he is but, if he isn't aware of these other ones, they could be much better than where he is. Say he's going with the more porn version, the more...what did you call it, the sex...?
[Jaiya Ma]: The sexually wired one.
[Angel Donovan]: The sexually wired, say he's going with that one. So, he has to kind of experiment with those other ones to see maybe they would be like ten times better for him or whatever.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, yeah, I mean, if you have a sexual masking which a lot of men do is that you need to actually get on a, I call it the A-B game which is where you just go through the body and this is how to determine your type from a body-based level, not just mentally is to...like I will hover somebody's body and that's A and that's and energetic touch. Then, I might slap an inner thigh and that's B and that's kinky touch which we haven't got to the kinky blueprint.
Then, I say, "Which one was more exciting, A or B?" and the person might say, "A" and I noticed the goose bumps got all over their body and they had a reaction and that would be, "Okay, that's energetic. Now, let's test energetic against sensual" and I just go through and do A or B, A or B and you can do this on your own body. It's just simply like playing with your own skin, your own body, getting some different sensation items and playing and seeing, "What does my body respond to?"
Let me go to the kinky because, there's a great story on how I discovered this particular woman's kinky wiring because, our brain to trip it up and this is a great example. Kinky is turned by taboo as you can guess by the name but, taboo is whatever's outside of your box. So, for one person taboo is, "I had sex in doggy style position." For another person, taboo is, "I wore my yellow raincoat and dressed up in girl's high heels and masturbated. That's a whole other level of taboo.
And so, it really is...this blueprint has tons of creativity and there's two different types in the blueprint which is kinky psychological, "I'm turned on by the psychology or the idea or the fantasy" or kinky physical meaning, "I'm turned on by the spanking. I'm turned on by the physical sensation that happens within the kinky blueprint.” The shadow side is deep, deep shame and I'm not talking shame as in, "I'm guilty about sex." I'm talking shame as in "I'm a bad person because, I like these things."
[Angel Donovan]: So, they're getting off on that.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes.
[Angel Donovan]: It's the emotion of shame.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes, it's the emotion. The emotional shame in the taboo is actually the turn on but then, they hide. They hide and they don't want to be revealed and they don't want to share it with their partner or they don't want to share it with world because, "This thing is bad wrong. I'm bad wrong."
[Angel Donovan]: Right, they don't accept the shame.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, or to be vulnerable with. In my story is my own partner was kinky wired and I didn't know it for six years of being in a relationship with him because, he had such deep shame, he hid and this is what I do for a living. So, to find that out, I was like, "Oh my gosh." He was having erectile stuff and I'm like strip tease classes and trying everything and then, I get out some ropes and I'm like, "Dude, you're kinky wired. Like what's going on? Why are you not telling." I found out he was tying himself and stuff like that where it's like...
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, given the context that's just crazy.
[Jaiya Ma]: So, I want to go back to determining blueprint because, this story ties in so well. I had a couple that I was working with, they're very Christian. So, he found out he was energetically wired. For 24 years, he'd been touching her energetic. When I touched her energetic, she's like, "It feels like spiders are crawling all over my skin and I hate it and this is the way he's been touching me," right because, he's energetic. So, he's touching energetically.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, right.
[Jaiya Ma]: Then, she thinks she's sensual. So, I do some sensual touch. It's somewhat of a turn on. It's turning her on. There's a little bit of reaction and I get curious. I actually think she's kinky. This is my mind saying, "I think she's kinky" and I ask her permission, "Can I slap you." She says, "Yes." I slap her inner thigh and her whole body clenches up in this really yummy like... and she goes, "Ohhhhhh," and I'm like, "Lady, you're kinky."
It's her upbringing, taboo, all that would not let her say, "I'm kinky." They're going to be the least likely to say, "This is my blueprint," but their body never lies. Her body gave her away in two seconds. All I had to do was slap her and she's been getting this energetic fluffy that just is like gross to her. She wants solid hands. She wants to be held down. She wants to be slapped. She wants to be manipulated and pushed up against a wall and ravished.
[Angel Donovan]: And so, she didn't know that herself either or is it more of a shame thing because, an example of your partner was that he kind of knew if it but, he's been hiding it because of the shame.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: Does that happen more with guys or girls or is it just the same ?
[Jaiya Ma]: I think the guys harbor more shame and the girls just haven't admitted it to themselves or they don't know this about themselves is what I see in my practice. So, that's more of what I see is the... women don't know their own sexuality because, they haven't explored it a lot. So, part of our job or my job as a mentor and men's job is to help them uncover that in a safe space where they will not feel judged.
Women are crazy sexual beings. Women's sexuality, actually there's a whole myth that they're not these sexual beings but, they're actually these sensual delicious like amazing beings and men just have to give them permission to actually be there and the women have to feel safe and that they're held and that they're not going to be judged and that you're going to go blabbing to your friends about them because, that's their biggest fear. They're going to be revealed that they are sluts and so, that fear of judgement is one of the things that's holding them back and as men, we have the responsibility.
I speak like I'm a man but, as men you all have a responsibility to hold that space for them so that they feel free to discover what it is that they like, what they want, what they're blueprint might be because, tapping into these blueprints is like having a secret combination. It literally is like you just found the Holy Grail to getting them to orgasm or getting them into high states of arousal that they've never experienced before.
So, energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky and the last one is the shape-shifter and shape-shifters are awesome amazing lovers because, they're super creative. It's as if energetic is Chinese and sensual is French, sexual is American English and then, we have a beautiful Persian for kinky and a shape-shifter can speak multi-languages. So, we have a shape-shifter who can speak it all.
Now, the shadow side of the shape-shifter is bored really easily because, usually they’re not getting their own needs met because, they're speaking one language, their partners. They mold themselves into what their partner wants them to be. The other thing that I see in shape-shifters is the shape-shifter shadow where you have the shadow of all of these and if you have that, you're first step number one is healing. You've got to go into healing.
[Angel Donovan]: So, shadow means there's like other versions of those needs in you basically. They're quieter.
[Jaiya Ma]: The shadow is actually the negative aspects of each blueprint. So, the shadow of energetic is, "I short-circuit if I get too much too fast." Shadow of energetic is "I'm hierarchical and judgmental. I'm being than you because, I'm spiritual." The other shadow of sensual is "I'm stuck in my head, can't get out of my mind and into my body." Shadow of sexual is "I need an erection or we have to have an orgasm or..." you know.
[Angel Donovan]: Ah right.
[Jaiya Ma]: A shadow of the kinky is, "I'm hiding. I'm in deep shame. I don't want to be revealed." So, you have all of that if you're a shadow shape-shifter and in that case, deep healing needs to be done before you can really move into the positive aspects.
[Angel Donovan]: Great so people, if they've got these negatives in their life, that can also help them identify which one they're associating with the most.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes and why they're having so much struggle. I mean, I work with so many people, my single guys and it's like, "Well, look at why you're having struggle. It's because you're choosing women who are a kinky blueprint yet, you have deep shame about kink and what's going on there? Or you're not owning this part of your sexuality..."
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Jaiya Ma]: "...that you need in order to feel fulfilled."
[Angel Donovan]: That's an interesting scenario. So, do you get men who are chasing something that isn't for them? To say, "I'm the sensual type but, I'm chasing kinky women. That's who I keep going for. That's who I keep ending up with." Do you have those kinds of patterns that come up too?
[Jaiya Ma]: Absolutely so, what I believe and what I've seen is that we inherently are trying to become full-spectrum. We are trying to become full-spectrum. So what we do is we seek out an opposite blueprint. So, a sexual seeks out an energetic. Sexual man seeks out an energetic woman and then, he's constantly chasing not understanding why she's pushing back. It's because of that difference in the blueprint.
If you understand the blueprint then, you're better able to connect with that blueprint and then, if you expand into it yourself by getting in touch with that part of yourself, then you're able to become more whole in your sexuality. So for example, me, I'm a sexual energetic. My partner is a kinky sensual. So, we have completely different ways of approaching how we initiate sex, how we speak about sex. I just will look at him and go, "Hey, you want to fool around? You want to have sex? You want to fuck?" Can I say fuck?
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, it's fine. It's cool.
[Jaiya Ma]: Okay and "Do you want to do these things?" and he on the other hand, gets turned off by that. I will be in the car and I'll just start playing with his penis, he's like, "I'm driving. What are you doing?" It's because I have sexual...I just want to go for the genitals, I want to play and be...I want to be very clear and have certainty that we're going to have sex.
He on the other hand is like...I'm like, "Well, how do you want to be approached?" He's like, "I want you to come up behind me and rub your body on me and put on some music" and I'm like, "Oh my god. I turn people on all day. It's the last think I want to do is like have to work for it because, it's my job."
[Angel Donovan]: Right, it resembles your work a bit more.
[Jaiya Ma]: Ah huh, ah huh and so, it's just funny. Or like an easier way for me, we've found is I just get the ropes out and put them on the bed and then, he knows we're going to play with something kinky and instantly, he's turned because, I can feed that. The kinky works better.
[Angel Donovan]: So, you found his short cut?
[Jaiya Ma]: I found his shortcut.
[Angel Donovan]: And you work with that?
[Jaiya Ma]: Yep, I want to hack. You know, all the hacking.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Jaiya Ma]: I love hacks so, I always want to find like, "How can I hack into his sexuality in a way that doesn't feel like I'm working?" For me, it's very important.
[Angel Donovan]: That's great. At the beginning of this talk, you talked about the bio-energetic, the biology and [inaudible]. Is that the same thing you were just talk about there or is it something different? I have a suspicion that they're different things. That's why I bring it up.
[Jaiya Ma]: They're different and yet, the same. So, when I talk about bio-energetics, I'm talking about a couple of different things. One is what's happening on the cellular level. So, what's happening in your actual cells and there's positive and negative within each cell. We have positive, negative charges, neutrons, protons, electrons, all those things in the cell. So, you have that aspect and I don't want to get too crazy scientific here.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, but you're talking about mitochondria and things like that right? Basically, the energy.
[Jaiya Ma]: Right energy within the cell, yes and also, I'm talking about how sensitive we are energetically. So, how are the cells affected by let's say, electromagnetic frequencies from your TV screen? Do you have difficulty sleeping at night because of that and then is that affecting your testosterone production because, you're not getting sleep in that time that your body is needing to produce testosterone because your cells are being whacked our by electromagnetics. You know, this is a very deep rabbit hole.
What's more interesting for your guys is the energetics that we're putting off in the world, our polarity. So, masculine, feminine dynamic and I look at this very different than stereotypes. It's an energy. It doesn't mean as a man you have to have masculine energy. It means that we need polarity to attract.
I am high testosterone woman. It's tied into my bio-chemistry which means that I tend to be a little bit more on the masculine side as a female. So, I like actually high estrogen men who have a little bit more of the feminine qualities in them. Again, seeking to complete, seeking for the opposite in my blueprint.
Now yes, I absolutely have the ability to melt and be in surrender and go totally into my feminine because, I've learned how to have that ability if I need to when my partner and I play. So, these energies are a dance and there's also, we have to keep in mind that there's light and dark energy.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, yeah.
[Jaiya Ma]: There's the bad boy and the good boy and most men are boys are stuck in good boy syndrome and us women are craving a little bit of bad boy. There's also in control, dominant and submissive in our sexual play and I think that these are really important elements as we look at energetics of what is the energy that you're putting out into the world. Is it an energy of passivity, surrender? Is it an energy of "I'm good and I'm going to please you?" or is it an energy of "I'm assertive. I'm going to take that. I want that. I'm going ravish," which is a much, much different energy and it attracts different things.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, yeah absolutely, those are very different things. So, to give me an idea of your approach, I get the feeling that you've looked everything you've come across with a quiet and open mind and you've kind of collected things and put things together over time and into this more global view that you have and it's encompassing everything. So, you've looked a lot different things and what kind of things do you have to look at to get to this point?
[Jaiya Ma]: It came mostly from spending so much time with people's bodies. I think sex is something we do and a lot of sexual teachers will talk to people and then, look at that research. I feel like I'm a sex research who actually sees what happens with people's bodies because, we can lie about sex and we often times do. 76% of women fake orgasm.
[Angel Donovan]: Crazy.
[Jaiya Ma]: That's a high percentage and so, then to admit, "No, I haven't really had an orgasm" in front of their partner. They're not going to say that when they've been faking it for 10 years but, I see it on my table. It can't lie. The goosebumps happen, the lubrication happens or it doesn't happen or the pupils dilate, the flushing of the skin, I see all of those things and can go, "Yes, okay there's arousal happening in your body" and the woman will go, "No, I’m not aroused." I'm like, "Well, your vagina is telling me something different. Your vulva is telling me something different. Your nipples are telling me something different. So, let's connect that. Why is that not connecting in your mind?"
So, we have to really look at it from this point of view and I think just spending so much time with people's bodies in the truth of what's happening in their body and feeling their body. I mean, just feeling a G-spot. People say the G-spot doesn't exist. Well, how do we know that. What kind of research are you doing? Do you have your hands on 1000 different G-spots? Have you felt 1000 different bodies and felt them in arousal?
A gynecologist might have felt that many bodies but, it's not in arousal. That's not an arousing experience, unless of course, you have that turn on of being at the gynecologist office (a little bit of kinky psychology). So, I argue with all of the research that's out there just because it's not from a hands-on felt experience of what is truly happening in the body in arousal in an orgasmic state.
[Angel Donovan]: Do you have some like big ones where you would disagree with the current scientific work? It would be interesting if you've got any specific that you feel strongly about.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, my biggest one is around the G-spot because, we keep arguing if it exists or not and people keep coming out with research that it doesn't exist. I have to say, when I look at the research, one research was twins and they asked one twin if they had it and the other one if they didn't. If one twin said they didn't have it, then they deduced that the G-spot...I'm like, "What? How are you getting this?" Then another one...
[Angel Donovan]: That's a crap study.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, I mean, so you have to look at the studies that are coming out as well and why I say that the G-spot exists is because I can feel it. There's never been a woman that I have worked with where I have not have felt the structure, where on either side there's dips and there's something that valleys down into the vaginal canal that is rough, rugged tissue. Now, the more aroused she is, the better I'm able to feel it. Sometimes the G-Spots are tight and they're toughed up and they're not loose in the body because of trauma or whatever else has happened in the pelvic floor but, I have never failed to feel this in a female body.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, do females...I mean, I would completely agree but, do females always get aroused with it?
[Jaiya Ma]: No so, here's the thing, I mean, some women it's highly arousing, some women it's numb, some women it's painful however, it's a journey. So I will say in my body being, I was mostly energetic when I was younger. The sexual blueprint came in a little later as things healed and so, this piece in my body was completely numb. Feel it, no feeling. I'm like, "This G-Spot thing like what are they talking about. It's all about the clitoris for me."
Then, I just keep working with body workers and people who worked in the G-Spot area, male partners in helping me open up and then, it turned to pain. I'm like, "Okay, now it's getting worse. Now, it feels like pain but, at least I felt something.
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Jaiya Ma]: So, I knew I was on some track of like something was awakening there and now, the subtlest little touch is like, through the roof I'm ejaculatory now. What a journey to go from nothing to total whole body experience.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, right.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: That sounds great because, I think that kind of give us a goal. So, you're saying like we should explore our sexuality for own good, right? What kind of benefits do we get out of expanding out sexuality, exploring it, going through life and trying to expand and go through these different areas you've been talking about.
[Jaiya Ma]: Well, one thing just for your guys is if you want to be a master lover and this is like a must, you've got to explore your own sexuality and get out of the sexual box that the culture has put us in or you in. I keep talking like I'm a guys.
[Angel Donovan]: That's great.
[Jaiya Ma]: I feel like I'm one of the guys.
[Angel Donovan]: I always liked talking about social programming and stuff.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah so you've been programmed in a box and so, you've got to start getting out of that and one thing is having a sexual practice. I love erotic tools. My sexual practice involves breath every day and awareness. To become a better lover, you have to become aware and the first thing is to become aware of your own and then, you can become aware of someone else's body and then you can become aware of your own body while working with someone else's body. It's like, you have to go through all those stages.
[Angel Donovan]: Right so, with the first step being something like meditation or what would it...?
[Jaiya Ma]: I like to do an exercise, if I'm just going to teach it non-sexually because sometimes sex is too much of a trigger. So, non-sexually would be to get a tape recorder and get a timer, set a timer for five minutes and just start speaking what you're aware of, every single thing you're aware of for five minutes straight and that's like a meditation in itself.
So it would be like, "I'm aware of my hands are cold. I'm aware that my...you know, I want to move my neck around a little bit because, I've been sitting in this chair. I'm aware that as soon as I start bringing awareness, it goes right to my pussy and now, I'm aware of some throbbing there. I'm aware I want to sort of like close my legs and tighten them because, it gives me pleasure," whatever that is that you're aware of to start speaking it. If you want to add the sexual bits, if you feel like you're ready, start with sexual. Like just what are aware of in your genitals right at this moment.
It's like, "Okay, I'm aware of my vaginal opening right now for some reason and I'm aware of how I'm sitting on the seat and pillows sort of going into that area and I'm aware..." you know, whatever it is and being very honest with yourself. No one's listening. You're just recording this. You don't have to listen to the recording again. It's just there as something to speak into.
That exercise is a great place to start just in developing awareness because, if I were to teach guys one thing on becoming a better master lover it is that. It is awareness. The more aware that you are, the more you can notice in the moment, the better you're going to be able to pick up all the subtle queues that are happening in your body and their body and sex is going to be so much more better...so much better, not more better.
[Angel Donovan]: So, I think coming across more guys in our programs and stuff who, they're not enjoying sex. It sounds like they've been disconnected. It sounds like this...
[Jaiya Ma]: Mm-hmm.
[Angel Donovan]: ...this is exactly what you're describing here. They're disconnected and they can't enjoy because, they're not in touch with it anymore.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, this is something I keep hearing more and more and more is one, they get so focused on pleasing the girl because, everything's been focused on, "Okay, become a better lover by pleasing her. Be in that stage." They've skipped the first stage which is their own awareness.
I think it also comes from conditioning from porn as well. I'm not anti-porn. I think porn can be used for a lot of good as well but, I say if you're watching it a lot and it's been your only example, you're actually disconnecting from your body because, you're putting your sexuality outside of yourself.
The reason why men are not pleased these days is because they're in their own anxiety a lot of time around, "Am I doing it right?" Looking for cues in her body to see if you're turning her on, all of this minutiae stuff in that you're not ignoring your own pleasure and you're not even aware of what's happening at all. So, you've got to start being aware.
[Angel Donovan]: The sensations, the energy, the space, the things you were talking about which are their keys to pleasure, right? Sounds like those are basically their models for pleasure. So, they're not in touch with any of those.
[Jaiya Ma]: No, it's just like, "Okay, I'm going to do that thing that I saw in that film like flickering her clitoris really hard." You've just missed three, four of the other blueprints and all of this stuff that leads and if I'm going to get really advanced, everyone has a blueprint stack.
So, we have a way of like, "Once my energetic is tapped into, my sexual awakens. Once my sexual awakens, my sensual awakens. Once my sensual awakens, now my kinky as awoken." So, I'm going to move through that blueprint stack. There's one type that I am at my core but, I'm going to move through within, maybe at one sexual experience or over a week. So, this is more advanced stuff but, yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: Great, go back to something you said earlier. When you are attracted to a new partner, they can be from a different sexual type. That's happened to me along my journey as I've changed and I think it was really my partners which helped me to expand because, they came from whichever different angle and then, they brought that to me because, I kind of had to adjust to more the dynamic between us that brought us in that direction. Is that a way...something that people do also?
I don't know. I was just talking to someone about the swinger lifestyle and they've expanded their sexuality, their confidence...
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes.
[Angel Donovan]: ...and everything tremendously because, in the swinger community, a lot of people have different types. Like, you're looking at your model and so on and it's also a mature community where you can kind of just say and everyone respects that. So, they feel more comfortable saying it than everyone else outside of that community.
Are partners one way we can like progress not to be afraid of having different types because, some people kind of stick with the same girlfriend, model or whatever type they always date and they're kind of like scared step out of that. Would that be something you would say, "Hey, you should also open up your eyes to different types of women (in this case), different communities and so on"?
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah absolutely, if you're out there dating and you want to start expanding your blueprint to be able to speak all of these languages, you're going to start seeing those blueprints out there. So, as soon as you see them, you kind of know. "Okay, here's how I'm going to be with this person," and there's also, you're speaking the language.
It's like, "Okay, now I've gone to Spain and now, I'm going to speak some Spanish and I'm going to practice developing that skill absolutely," which then helps you expand your own blueprint. So, it helps you to become more full-spectrum, more shape-shifter in its positive aspects.
And I would add too, knowing that you are seeking your opposite, knowing that you are seeking to complete the missing pieces of your sexuality, with that awareness, you can go, "Oh, okay so this is why I've been attracted to this type" and if I develop it in myself, that will sometimes go away or it's just knowing, "Okay well, I'm actually seeking to find somebody who is an opposite and in that, there's work to do.
Now, I have seen like two energetics who get together are actually a problem area because, they just want to sit around and eye gaze and don't actually ever get to the sex because, it's like, "I feel all this energy and ahhhh..." There's the physical fizzles out and that doesn't sustain a relationship, is what I've seen unless they're both okay with not having any sexual, physical sexual connection.
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Jaiya Ma]: Two sexuals together however, work very well in that they both just want to have lots of sex.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, the sexuals are like pushing people against walls and that kind of...it's a more physical sex, as well?
[Jaiya Ma]: The sexuals, what I see is often times is just very simple. It's just like, "My needs are met. I can relax if I've had my orgasm for the day." So, it's just sort of like missionary position, sometimes it's just kind of boring. It's not even pushing each other against the wall. It's just like, "Okay, we had our sex for day. Everything's good in the world." It could happen in missionary position every day or it could be masturbation every day. It doesn't...kinky is a little bit more of the push each other against the wall kind of like ravishing...
[Angel Donovan]: Okay, taboo.
[Jaiya Ma]: ...passion.
[Angel Donovan]: We're thinking more taboo stuff.
[Jaiya Ma]: More taboo, yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Jaiya Ma]: And so, with the sexuals though, the issues is when you got two together, they're not exploring all that's possible. They may be very happy there and I'm not saying...I mean, that can be enough for some people but, they may missing out on other possibilities.
[Angel Donovan]: Right because, we've spoken about like it may not be always good, I'm guessing for everyone to expand. I mean, there are some dark places people can go. Are some people happier at certain stages and it sounds like some people that you're working with they're a bit more sensitive and I'm sure of our listeners are too and they have to go at their own pace and I don't know.
Let's talk about some of the harder cases. In the harder cases, we spoke about some basic exercise that you could do to become more self-aware. What would be the next step, if they are really nervous about their sexuality, you know, something different, maybe they have never had a partner and they're scared about the whole thing?
[Jaiya Ma]: So, one thing is mindset. So, you've got your awareness exercises but, then you've got to work on your mindset and I like to actually do something called "uncovering your erotically empowered persona" but, usually what's on top of your erotically empowered persona, which is the powerful guy who can go out there and be assertive and get the girl. You know, he's like that guy inside of you that you want to unleash, right?
On top of him is usually a George or a Bob of a...no offense to any George or Bobs out there. These are the names that I hear that guys name them. It's like the weakling.
[Angel Donovan]: Nice Guy Bob.
[Jaiya Ma]: The nice guy archetype or even worse. Like yesterday, I was just talking to a guy who had a George. He named him George and George's belief was that if I put myself out there, I'm actually going to die.
It was that intense. "I'm going to be humiliated. I'm going to be hurt. I'm going to like"...and then even further as we started uncovering was, "Not only am I going to die, I'm going to be seen as creepy and I'm going to hurt the other girl by asserting myself, I'm now imposing on her and therefore, I'm bad."
[Angel Donovan]: I think that creepy one you brought up is really, really big. Is that something you see that's very, very, very common? I've seen it a lot in our coaching.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, yeah and so George was the one who's afraid to be creepy and so, we had to work with George. Like, "What does George want? What does George need? Did George come from you or did he come from someone else, like someone's ideas about masculinity being imposed on you or someone's whatever?" So, we got to get to the root of that.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Jaiya Ma]: And, I see guys who are virgins who are 70, 50, 30 who are late-life virgins and a lot of it comes from...I had one guy who was 57, virgin and he'd never hugged a woman and he came in my...
[Angel Donovan]: Wow.
[Jaiya Ma]:...office and I didn't know it and I hugged him and he broke down and I was like, "What is going on?" and he's just, "I'd never hugged a woman other than my mother." It was because he had an upbringing of church and his parent who taught him that looking at woman in a sexual way is an extreme sin. You will go instantly to hell and so, we had to just do a lot of mindset work around what is it and these are embodied psyches.
This guy George was this green sludge that was living all over his ribs. So, it was actually an image of something in his body because, I have people scan their body. Where does this live? so, that's a number one step is going, "I want to get in touch with the piece that's holding me back. Where does it live in my body."
[Angel Donovan]: And, was a lot of it also telling him that stuff is okay. If he's got these beliefs that a lot of stuff is wrong, is there a lot of it just resetting that by telling him or does that not work?
[Jaiya Ma]: It doesn't necessarily work. These guys know, they know that this is, "I'm nice guy. I have this..." I mean there are some guys who don't realize that women actually want a guy who's a little bit out there, assertive. They don't think that women actually want that. I do get that sometimes so, we have to do a little bit of reconditioning but, for the most part, it's this, "I have an intellectual idea that I should be more outgoing. I should date. I should put myself in situations but, there's something holding me back and I can't put my finger on it."
So, I'm working with the pieces of the psyche that live in the body that are keeping you from actually unleashing that and then, once we've dealt with those pieces of the psyche, then we can talk to the empowered parts of the psyche. "Alright, who are as a masculine man who's going to go out there and take this woman and wants her and is not afraid to do that? Where's that part?" I get all kinds of interesting archetypes that come out in that and then, we develop that archetype through time.
How does he dress? How does he walk? How does he carry himself? How does he speak? It's almost like an acting exercise that I...I actually discovered this from an acting exercise playing opposite character of myself. What would my opposite self be? And putting that on for 10 weeks was profound.
[Angel Donovan]: So, a lot of this sounds like the purpose is to get someone to a place where they're having great sexual experiences of course but, it sounds like it's really preventing them from getting happy, satisfied and alive. The greater goal here is like... how would you put? When you've taken someone from say one of these worse scenarios all the way towards the other end of the spectrum, what happens to their lives?
[Jaiya Ma]: Oh my gosh, it's crazy and people don't expect it. They don't expect that working on their sex life is going to make such a profound difference in every area of their life. I had one guy, worked with me for two years, he'd been divorced three times and every woman had said, "I'm leaving you because, you're awful in bed."
[Angel Donovan]: Right, that's...
[Jaiya Ma]: So imagine what that left him with.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah imagine, yeah that made him feel really bad.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah and so after working with him, he said, "I had no idea this would affect everything. My career is better. The way I act with my team (because, he was an entrepreneur) is better. The way that I am in general is better. I have five girlfriends. They all know about each other. My world is completely radically different and there's women begging...like they call me night and day" to come have sex with him because, they've never had the experiences that they've had. What that did for his self-esteem and his confidence, he made more money, he was healthier, he was happier. I mean, just all around it changed his entire life.
I work with celebrities. I work with CEOs. I work with world leaders, Olympian athletes, sex is their final frontier. It's the scariest place for them to look but yet, they all tell me, "I've coached with Tony Robbins. I've coached with this. I've coached with that. I coached with all the main people and this was the most profound thing I've ever done because, it was the scariest as a man for me to go here and it was where my hidden power in my world and in the world in general." Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah definitely, it goes very deep so, it can affect everything in your life. It's this hidden thing hiding behind everything for sure.
So, the other thing I want to talk about is a bit of a sensitive especially for guys if they're feeling like some of things maybe creepy or maybe overpowering the women, there's a difference resistance and sexual boundaries. If the guys got a partner or if he's just hooked up with a girl, how does he know when no should mean no and it's like a clear sexual boundary, something that she's not going to like at all versus, it's just some resistance, it's maybe she's getting comfortable with the idea or it's something she can warm up to or she's kind of actually wants but, she just wants to offer a little bit of resistance?
[Jaiya Ma]: This is a great question and I get this question all the time. What is the difference between resistance and a true hard boundary and I think the answer to that question relies on the situation. If you've been a in relationship that is very, very different than if you're dating someone.
So, if you're in a relationship with someone, I think that you can push a little harder on resistances than you may if you're just out dating. Now if you're with an energetic, you got to be very careful here because, any kind of push, they retreat, push, they retreat.
What I would come to with any resistance is vulnerability is saying, "You know hey, I've been noticing some resistance to moving forward, being physical, having a great sex life." If you're been in a relationship, "I've been noticing a resistance to passion between us and I feel" and this is really hard for guys, "I feel scared coming to you with this." Like get honest and vulnerable about how hard the conversation is to have.
That's going to help her put down her guard. Instantly put down her guard. "I'm afraid that you're going to reject me if I actually say these things" or "I'm afraid that you're going to judge me for bringing up this conversation or you're going to want to back away but, my intention here is to connect more deeply with you. My intention here is for us to improve our sexual life together," and this is if you're in a relationship I'm speaking and, I'm giving you a script guys so, I hope you're writing this down. And so...
[Angel Donovan]: She'll be like, "I've heard this before." No, it's not going to happen. Don't worry guys, it won't happen.
[Jaiya Ma]: Then, you can come with, "And I've been noticing resistance in you. So I'm curious, I would love for you to tell me more about what the resistances are and what's coming up for you so that I can understand better how we together (this is very important. It's not you against her) can move this so that we can have a deeper connection and more passion in our relationship."
So, that really is coming first with vulnerability, coming so that her guard is down so she doesn't feel like this is something that's pitting you against one another, coming with, "We're working on this together" and why it's important to you. "It's important to me because, I need a greater sense of connection."
It's not about the sex. A lot of people will say, "I just want more frequency of sex" but, why do you want that more frequency of sex? Is it because it makes you feel loved? What is the need that's underneath there? If can speak from that place, that really like takes all the guard away and I think then seeking and the magic words that I've heard Tony Robbins say them in his stuff, I've heard...and I think it actually came from Mars/Venus. Can't think of his name right now, the guy who wrote...
[Angel Donovan]: John Grayson...
[Jaiya Ma]: John Gray, yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, Gray.
[Jaiya Ma]: I think it came from him which is the magic words of tell me more. "Tell me more about that." If she starts saying, "Well, you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," don't get defensive.
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Jaiya Ma]: "No I don't. Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. How could you think that?" Well just cut off the connection. Instead you go to, "Well, I'm curious what would make you feel that way? So, tell me more about that." "A la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la." Let her do her thing and don't eat the shit. This is what I often say is don't eat the shit in the conversation.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, okay.
[Jaiya Ma]: She's spewing out a lot of shit. The shit sounds like, "You didn't take out the trash last week. I had the kids. Blah, blah, blah. You never blah." Anytime you hear the words never, always, that is spewing shit. What I want you to hear is the fertilizer so you can transform the shit into fertilizer by listening to what her need is. "I'm sorry that you feel like I didn't prioritize or that I haven't been contributing enough around the household or that I haven't been connecting to you in this way."
This is how you know a resistance from a boundary. A boundary is a hard no. A resistance will have lot of ramble to it.
[Angel Donovan]: Emotional frustration.
[Jaiya Ma]: A lot of emotional frustration to it, a lot of excuses. "I'm tired. I'm exhausted. You don't understand. I work hard all day...dah, dah, dah...with the kids and...dah, dah, dah...and you never take out the..."
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Jaiya Ma]: That is resistance and so you want to look at, "Well, what is the resistance" and then, listen for the boundary because, the boundary is more, "I don't want to have anal because, it hurts." That is a boundary.
[Angel Donovan]: So, it's kind of short, to the point...
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes.
[Angel Donovan]: ...a lot of the time?
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, not big scene this is just like something I don't want.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes and it doesn't have a lot excuses behind it.
[Angel Donovan]: So it sounds like you're just saying you should communicate, right?
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: No but, I mean that's the first principle is talk, communicate.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yes, please.
[Angel Donovan]: And then of course, you were doing it, guys at home, she's actually talking in and communicating in a specific way which makes a difference. So, I don't want to put that down. By the way, I don't know if you...you know Non-Violent Communication?
[Jaiya Ma]: I do absolutely, yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, right so that's great stuff as well. It sounds similar to the way you put it and it's very effective. So definitely believe in that if you want to actually get in touch with the person and communicate a topic like this which is sensitive.
[Jaiya Ma]: It's effective communication.
[Angel Donovan]: Alright great.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, I mean it's really being able to effectively communicate and to effectively listen. I mean, this is part of holding that (I talked about energy, masculine energy) is to not be in defense and see...check in with your body. Find the calm place in your body and listen from there. See if you can listen from there. It's a skill and it's an art this listening.
I want to say one more thing about resistances and boundaries. There's a great thing called a "sex communication checklist" that I have. If guys want to get this, reach out, get in contact with me. I'm totally willing to give it to you all if you want your listeners to have it. On that, you can find out what your boundaries and resistances are.
So, it's literally a list you give someone. You can give it to somebody you're dating just to find out more about where they're at sexually and it has...here are all the energetic activities, eye gazing, breathing, dah, dah, dah, connecting emotionally, all that stuff.
[Angel Donovan]: And they can just tick the boxes I like. I like, I like, I like, I don't like.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah and you tick the box on three levels. It's a "Yes I want it". It's "I'm willing to try it." That's where your resistances live. And a "No way in hell am I doing that" and then, you know your hard boundaries for now. It's not that those hard boundaries might not change and don't push them. The more you push, the more you're going to get pushed back.
You want to pull her towards you. You always want to pull instead of push and so, that's the difference between magnetism and trying too hard and getting creepy.
[Angel Donovan]: The list sounds very cool. I love practical things. If you could send that or we can link to it or something that would be awesome.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: Things like that, it's very easy. I'll even introduce it to the next girl or whatever. I would like to see how that works. I'm imagining it works very well.
I'm not sure what you're going to say about this because, I know you've got this broad range of experiences. Are there some more unique approaches to female sexual pleasure you've discovered which you think a lot of people are missing out on or are you going to say it's more about understanding the person in front of you and how they respond with models you were talking about earlier?
[Jaiya Ma]: I think that what we need to understand about female sexual is that...well, one thing, because I work on so many genital and this is what I see guys do is the get really tentative with their touch. So what I mean by it is, "I hope that this working" is the thought that's going on in their head. Or, "I wonder what this will do? Or I don't know if she's getting turned" and how much your thoughts...
Women can read, we can read your thoughts especially if we're energetic or sensual and so we don't want touch that feels like you don't have us. I think why a lot guys are doing this tentative touch is because they're afraid they're going to hurt us.
[Angel Donovan]: Yea.
[Jaiya Ma]: And so, they think that genitals are these sensitive things. I can take a woman's labia and pull them as hard as I possibly can like toward their feet and their partners, if their partners are in the room with me, their eyes get big and they're like, "Oh my god." I'm like, "She hasn't even hit her edge and I'm pulling as hard as I can."
[Angel Donovan]: It's funny I guess, I've never thought about this before but, as guys, our balls are really pretty sensitive.
[Jaiya Ma]: Ah huh.
[Angel Donovan]: So, I guess we're probably thinking of ourselves when we're being really sensitive because, it is that mindset of a lot of guys, "I've got to be careful here."
[Jaiya Ma]: Ah huh.
[Angel Donovan]: It might be because like if we get slapped or something, it can cause quite a bit of damage.
[Jaiya Ma]: It depends on the guy.
[Angel Donovan]: It really does?
[Jaiya Ma]: I have seen guys who love their testicles like pushed up against their body...
[Angel Donovan]: How? That just sounds painful.
[Jaiya Ma]: ...and twisted. I mean like, ouch, ouch but, I have seen guys who have kinky blueprint want them tied up, want them slapped, like cock and bull torture. So this...
[Angel Donovan]: Good to know.
[Jaiya Ma]: ...their turn on. So, everybody's different.
[Angel Donovan]: Okay, so one thing is like not being tentative and just being there. That sounds similar to what we were talking about being aware of yourself. Is that also like not having the attention on the person in front of you right, because I know there's a lot of studies about how people can sense immediately if you don't have...if your attention...you know we're kind of daydreaming but, we're talking to someone and things like this, people can sense it (as you were talking about before ) and a lot of guys it's that awareness like with themselves as you said, you generate in yourself but then, you learn to focus on the person in front of you when you're having sex instead of being elsewhere.
[Jaiya Ma]: Mm-hmm absolutely, I mean again, it's the number one thing I would teach would be first awareness of self, second awareness of other and the third step and this is one that really blows women's world and this is what I'm mostly teaching guys this days which is, how to feel pleasure through her body.
So, an exercise I do is I'll have the women lie against the guy's chest. They're sitting up against the wall and have him just start to feel her body and not worry about her pleasure. Just feel her body for his own pleasure. What feels good? What areas of her body feel good and then, describe to her what feels good.
"Oh my gosh, I love the way your ribs feel underneath my hands and now I just want to bring them up to your breasts and I want to touch your breasts and I love the warmth and the softness of your skins of your breasts and touching your breasts makes me want to dah, dah, dah, dah, dah." I mean, you have like instant dirty talk going on, right?
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Jaiya Ma]: But, a woman...and my mouth starts to water when I talk about it because, it blows a woman's mind to be wanted and the object of your desire. Another quote Esther Perel is "Female pleasure is narcissistic." So, our minds are blown by knowing that we are irresistible and that you want us.
Why did so many women read 50 Shades of Grey? It hit all of our erotic triggers. The main character is the magical one that gets the guy to change.
[Angel Donovan]: And he's obsessive about her for that whole thing.
[Jaiya Ma]: And he's obsessive because, he can't...you know like she's the magic one, you know. So, we want to be that one. We want to be that one that you'll do anything for, that you'll change your whole, blah, blah. We have this thing about wanting to change men.
Women we've got to stop this, if there are any women listening. That's on our end that we have to stop trying to do that but, we want to be that one. Our whole thing is narcissistic. The more that you want us and show that you want us and are turned on by us, the better. This is why we're getting the disconnect of women not being turned on is because, the men are focusing all on trying to turn her on.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, right.
[Jaiya Ma]: But, they're missing their own pleasure which is then short circuiting the whole thing.
[Angel Donovan]: Don't know if you've read the Art of Seduction by Robert Green. We had him on previously. He talks about the Rake character who ravishes.
[Jaiya Ma]: I've haven't. I've read a different book by Robert Green but, I haven't read that one. Tell me about it.
[Angel Donovan]: So, he's got this rake archetypes that he discovered. I think he's got eight of them. It's really the guy who's just ravishing the girl, he's like the seducer who's like so into the girl and he gives examples of Romeo or some of the great Don Juan of time and stuff and I think that fits very well with what you're talking about right now.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah absolutely.
[Angel Donovan]: So, one topic I just wanted to make sure we got this because, we've spoken about female ejaculation in the past and some people make a big deal of it. Porn makes a big deal of it. I found a lot of girls enjoy it a lot and it can take a lot to kind of coax depending on where she started from, it can take a while to get used to it. At first she doesn't really like it. So, I was just wondering your experiences and if it's beneficial to women really and how important is it that men should learn about this or should they just focus on the stuff you've been talking about rather than putting time into trying to learn more about this.
[Jaiya Ma]: I absolutely think it's something to look forward to and learn if you're with a partner and she wants to. Also, you can always work on things on your own and then surprise her.
That's the one thing if you have a resistant partner, work on yourself. If your partner's just like giving you the no, no, no and total resistance, work on and that's the best you can do is like work on your skills and then, surprise her with something. You can do that.
But, as far as female ejaculation goes, it's one of those things where I really wanted to learn and so, I took a year on how to do it and did it and it's an orgasm that's very different than say my clitoral orgasm and there's so much orgasmic capacity for women. I mean, we can have clitoral orgasms. Orgasms that roll from the clitoris down to the legs of the clitoris and back up to the head of the clitoris and G-Spot orgasms and G-Spot ejaculatory orgasms and crygasms and perineal sponge orgasms. I'm probably saying things, people are like, "What's all that?"
But, we have so much orgasmic capability and there's a lot of focus on female ejaculation which is great orgasm but, there's so many other ones to explore too. I don't want you to feel like you're not enough. So guys, hearing this is like, "Oh my gosh, I've got to learn all this."
Going back to female ejaculations, having said that is for some women this is like the ultimate orgasm. It is literally like such a huge release. I have seen women ejaculate tiny bits and I have seen women gush buckets of fluid.
It is a prostate fluid. I mean, they've done research on it. It is a real thing. She's not peeing. You know all those kind of things and if she is peeing, so what? That's part of the process sometimes.
Benefits of ejaculation that I have seen...I used to have interstitial cystitis which is feeling like you always have a bladder infection. I first heard this theory from Sherry Winston who wrote the female anatomy book and great book. She said that she think that the fluid actually has an antimicrobial property to it and it flushed bacteria out of the urethra which I think is like...
This was like a huge ah ha for me because, once I learned to ejaculate, I never had a bladder infection or any kind of interstitial cystitis again. I think it's because, the fluid actually pushes (because the urethra is so close to the vaginal opening) the bacteria out of the urethra canal. That makes complete and total sense to me. I'm like, "Oh my gosh. This is a huge ah ha." So, any woman who has those issues, I teach them how to ejaculate and they don't have anymore.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Jaiya Ma]: And I've seen it over and over again.
[Angel Donovan]: Wow.
[Jaiya Ma]: So, I don't have any scientific basis other than my clinical experience on this and seeing that happen. So, one I think there's a health benefit to it.
Two, I get euphoric. I mean, my whole face flushes, I get euphoria. I giggle. I get hysterical laughter with it a lot of times and I love feeling that euphoria.
I also think that it is a good thing to ejaculate. I feel like it's cleansing. There's an emotional release that often happens with it for me. Like, I'll cry sometimes. I'll laugh sometimes. It's like healing. It feels like it's healing my G-Spot. So, this was part of the process of healing my G-spot.
Then, there's high pleasure that comes with it. So, for some women, there's just extreme, intense, it's the end all be all of orgasms. For me, I didn't experience that same thing. It's not usually high pleasure for me because, I have so much other orgasmic capacity like, I have full body orgasms. I have these crazy uncontrollable shaking orgasms. I like really cathartic orgasms. So, I'll have being orgasms where I cry a lot.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Jaiya Ma]: And those are my favorite. So, the wetter the better with it all. So, if I'm ejaculating and crying and everything else is going on like awesome. I want that kind of orgasmic release.
So, for some women it's highly pleasurable for some others it's not. Can you get to highly pleasurable? I absolutely think so. If it's something that you want to go to yes. Anything is possible. We all have the plumbing. Like, let's do it but, for some women, it's a journey and at first they don't like it and it has to be that ongoing journey and if they don't want to do it and it's a boundary then, I'd leave it alone and do techniques when you're playing with them or whatever. Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: Again, versus resistance right.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: There's a difference between the two. Yeah great.
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: Okay, rounding off. What are best ways for people to connect with you?
[Jaiya Ma]: I have an event every year, I do twice a year called "Path to Passion." So, people can connect with me there. The website is www.YourPathtoPassion.com and I offer a scholarship to any of your listeners. So, if they want to come and hang out with me for two days. It's a really powerful event. I go deep into these blueprints and I think that's the best way to get a hold of me on the web. So, www.YourPathtoPassion.com.
[Angel Donovan]: Is that on line or is that in Los Angeles.
[Jaiya Ma]: It's in Los Angeles. I'm also looking at doing it in other cities and around. So, we're looking at doing a tour with this event.
[Angel Donovan]: Cool maybe I'll...
[Jaiya Ma]: Yeah, get in touch with me there and you can also email me. People can email me directly if you want to get that sex communication checklist. We'll figure out a way to get that to everybody but, my email is also [email protected]. So, anybody can email me there and feel free to reach.
I love to hear from people. I love to connect with people. I love to just go deep on this topic. So, I know we can only do so much in an hour so, feel free to reach out to me.
[Angel Donovan]: Great, thank you so much for that.
[Jaiya Ma]: You're welcome.
[Angel Donovan]: Is there anyone else besides yourself you'd recommend for great advice on sex or any area.
[Jaiya Ma]: Oh...
[Angel Donovan]: Like you probably know hundreds. I don't know if you know hundreds.
[Jaiya Ma]: I do. I do.
[Angel Donovan]: So, try and pick top three or something.
[Jaiya Ma]: I love Sherry Winston's work for female anatomy. I feel like she has the best...just from having my hands on and hands in so many people, I feel like she has the best anatomy that matches my felt experience of that.
I love the work of Esther Perel and she is a...her TED talks is incredible but, if you're in a relationship and you're really struggling with passion and really that or if you just want prevent from having a passionless relationship in the future, I think she's probably one of the best out there is Esther. She's just an incredible, amazing woman. So, look up her TED talk. She also has a great book called Mating in Captivity. I love her work.
Then, another person who I love's work is Christopher Ryan.
[Angel Donovan]: Oh yeah absolutely. I listened to your interview with him.
[Jaiya Ma]: Oh awesome, awesome. Sex at Dawn and I think that this book is just really great in the conversation around sexuality and our history as human beings and our evolutionary process of sex and I find that book really, really fascinating. I love Christopher's work.
[Angel Donovan]: Thank you. Yeah, thank you great. So, final question. What would be your top three recommendations to guys if they're starting from scratch you know, whether they're a 30-year virgin or whatever it is but, they're really starting from scratch. Top three things you would say they should do to get this part of their life solved, getting working for them as fast as possible.
[Jaiya Ma]: Number one, have a practice. Just like you have a practice going to the gym or a practice...get very conscious about your practices. What I would say your practice should be would be starting with awareness exercises. You could do that for five minutes. It doesn't have to be long but, having some kind of awareness practice that you're doing.
A mindset practice around exploring what is your mindset around sexuality. So, number one thing are practices. Number one, number one, number one.
Number two is mentorship. We have a lack of mentorship in this area of relationship and of sexuality.
[Angel Donovan]: Even more so in sexuality, right?
[Jaiya Ma]: Even more so and not only that but, I would argue that we have mentors but, our mentors are not good. Our mentors are pornography. Our mentors are our parents. Our mentors are our church. Our mentors are our...
[Angel Donovan]: Right, right yeah.
[Jaiya Ma]: You know and so we have negative mentors. So, make sure that you're getting positive mentors who are getting the results that you want. You want people who have hot juicy sex lives.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, absolutely.
[Jaiya Ma]: There are too many mentors who don't have those hot juicy sex lives.
[Angel Donovan]: I know.
[Jaiya Ma]: Get hot juicy sex life mentors and then, the third key I would say...this also ties into practice but, it's embodiment. Actually getting out of your heads and get in your body and the ways to do that, you know, number one practice is your masturbation practice.
I am going to back to number. I'm going to tie this to number one. All of them tie to number one but, your masturbation practice is usually very unconscious and I don't even like the word masturbate. I like self-pleasure or solo sex but to get conscious about how you're practicing on your own body and how you're feeling pleasure and what you feel and what's happening in your body. It ties into that awareness practice but, the way that you're self-pleasuring, often times informs the way that we're interacting with another.
Get breath in there. Breathe. We hold our breathe. We do the...until we explode instead of getting really conscious about what's happening. How am I tensing my body? Am I am attention type? Am I a relaxation type? Learn about your own self and your sexuality through the way that you're loving yourself in touch.
[Angel Donovan]: Thank you. Those were very good strong points. I'm sure they're going to be very helpful for the guys. Thank you for your time.
[Jaiya Ma]: You're very welcome.
[Angel Donovan]: It's been a real pleasure meeting you Jaiya.
[Jaiya Ma]: Awesome. Thank you so much for having me.
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DSR Podcast is a weekly podcast where Angel Donovan seeks out and interviews the best experts he can find from bestselling authors, to the most experienced people with extreme dating lifestyles. The interviews were created by Angel Donovan to help you improve yourself as men - by mastering dating, sex and relationships skills and get the dating life you aspire to.
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