Ep. #7 Clitoris Stimulation Step by Step to Orgasm with Alex Allman

[Angel Donovan]: Hi there, this is Angel Donovan from Dating Skills Review. Today we have Alex Allman from Revolutionary Sex. Alex Allman came onto the scene in about 2007 with a book called Revolutionary Sex, ebook, which personally I think was actually very revolutionary, so it’s a very fitting title in the way it approached sex and really, really on target compared to all of the stuff that came before it. So I’m extremely happy to have Alex here to talk about it. Hi, Alex.

[Alex Allman]: Hey Angel, thanks very much for having me. I’m looking forward to having a conversation.

[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, always good to have a conversation. And let’s just dive straight into a quick little bit of background on you, Alex, and how you started off with this and where you came from in terms of getting people some advice that was new and what you felt was missing.

[Alex Allman]: Sure, yeah. I actually I think got into this very early on because I’m a guy who kind of speaks girl. I really communicate well with women on the level that they communicate, and I think that’s because when I was a kid, in my neighborhood there were no boys. All the kids in my neighborhood were all girls for whatever reason, just the way it distributed out. So if I wanted to see one of my friends from school who was a boy, my mom would actually drive me. But my mom worked, so on weekends she would drive me to one of my friends who lived further away. The coming week, after school, the kids I was playing with were girls. So before puberty, like all my friends were girls. And then when we kind of hit puberty and it started sort of breaking off, you know, because it was now different between boys and girls and ooh, it was kind of…I was still kind of hanging out with the girls. I mean, they were my friends and it just seemed weird to not hang out with them. And yeah, I even got picked on a little bit about that from time to time, but those were my close friends.

And so when sexual issues and stuff like that came up for them, I was the one they were talking to. Girls talk about sex really differently than men, and I was privy to conversations with a lot more detail than I was always comfortable hearing, but they just kind of thought I was one of them and it went down that way. But I had…I guess everybody is interested in sex, I just had an unusual interest in it because I did a lot of research on it on my own. I read every book I could find on the subject. And ultimately, when I became a professional writer later in life, I wrote a lot about sex and sexuality, and then ultimately did some freelance writing for a guy that a lot of people know, David DeAngelo, and we became kind of good friends.

And he had read some of the articles that I had written on sex, and he said, “You know, man, this stuff’s good.” I haven’t seen people talk about sex in exactly this way before. He said, “I think that a lot of men, men that I’m coaching in dating a lot, these guys have a lot of anxiety and insecurity around sexuality that you seem to not be a part of. You seem to kind of know a way around all that, and I think a lot of men would be really grateful if you wrote a book about it and marketed it online the way I do with Double Your Dating.” So we actually had this conversation in a restaurant called Earth Café, and I remember it was kind of a life-changing conversation because I thought, “Well, I’m a writer and I’ve been kind of interested in this other thing for all these years,” and I saw it kind of come together all at once there.

And so I wrote a book in 2007, and I haven’t turned back. I mean, now I’ve got a bunch of other programs in the area and it’s been just awesome, feeling like…you know, I was writing fiction before, and now feeling like I’m really making a difference in people’s lives. I get emails from guys saying, “Hey, you changed my life.” It’s pretty cool. I mean, it’s an amazing feeling, and getting them every day just charges my life in a different way. And some of them, I mean, they’re just unbelievable. I’ve gotten letters from couples who’ve been married for like 40 years, and I’m like, “What could I possibly be teaching? How could you not figure this out in 40 years?” But it’s cool. It’s cool. They’re like, “Yeah, we just had the best sex of our lives.” I’m like, “Really? Are you kidding me right now?” So it’s been a heck of a journey, really.

[Angel Donovan]: Right. And I was touching on this review before we got into this, but some of the stuff you cover in that book, it really focuses on…it’s kind of basic stuff. It’s basic stuff that I just think that so many guys just don’t know. And all of these guys are going around with sexual concerns and very basic issues, but there's not really any concrete information out there just to help them resolve this and have an enjoyable normal sex life.

[Alex Allman]: Yeah. I think that what it is is the elusive obvious, and so many issues in our lives are solved by the elusive obvious. It’s like it’s right in front of us. It’s that thing where you’re looking for a pen and it’s behind your ear, you know what I mean?

[Angel Donovan]:

[Alex Allman]: There are these things in our lives that we kind of know. We kind of…somewhere in our gut we know this is actually the way it is, but until somebody sits down, looks you in the eye, and says, “Look, man, the reason that you’re not getting dates with women is because your belief that you don’t deserve them, and that if you just really kind of sat down, got a little confidence in yourself, a little trust in yourself, it wouldn’t matter what you said.” I think every guy who’s been through a bunch of these dating products, they kind of eventually arrive at that. And we already know it’s true. Why do we somebody to tell us? Well, sometimes we do.

And sex is no different. I think there are a lot of things that on some gut level we get, and that goes for everything from how to really blow a woman’s mind in the bedroom, which is sort of the big message of the book. But even down to things like performance anxiety or not lasting long enough, and all this stuff. the real key, most of the guys, they already know somewhere in their elusive obvious. Just really getting to understand yourself better is the journey in life. That’s what it’s all about.

[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.

[Alex Allman]: And sometimes specks in our relationships with women is where as men we define ourselves, where we begin to figure out who we are and what kind of space we take up in the world.

[Angel Donovan]: Exactly. I was just thinking about this, like I read some of your stuff and some other stuff, and it’s kind of similar. And I’d never had any problems because of this. I pretty quickly got over at least basic issues or whatever. I have very good friendships with friends, genuine guys, and we’re very open about talking about stuff, and I was just amazed at how many of them have some of these pretty basic issues that go on and you talk about in your ebook. I think it’s kind of eye-opening because I haven’t had that many issues, and I guess because I also learn about stuff, they never really came up that much [00:07:42]. So, could we just talk a bit about some of the main things, like kind of the basic stuff you talk about in the book which is important to get over the basic issues and what guys have and why they come up?

[Alex Allman]: Sure, yeah. I would love to. I think it’s worse even pointing out, if you don’t mind and I don’t want to create a touchy subject, but it’s interesting I think that it really defines a lot of why all this goes on and how men think about sex that you mentioned to me that a lot of your friends have a lot of issues around sexuality, which I’m glad you mentioned that because I also teach women sexuality, and so I communicate with women a lot. And the percentage of men that have some kind of sexual dysfunction, whether they have performance anxiety and don’t get an erection or they find it difficult sometimes and sometimes they can, and whether they lose their erection when their kind of putting on a condom or sometimes even in the middle of sex. or they ejaculate too soon. I mean, according to women, this is not some men, it’s most men. And then actually they may get a comfort level with their girlfriend, and sometimes they don’t and she leaves him. But in terms of performance anxiety once in a while on the first time they get together, that kind of thing, that’s the vast majority of men. It’s not some men, its most men.

What’s interesting though is when you mentioned that, you said, “I have some friends with this problem, I personally don’t. I don’t. I’ve read your stuff and some other stuff, and I don’t know, I guess I’m sexually active a lot.” I mean, you kind of had to justify it a little bit and say, “Well, you know, a lot of men do, I don’t,” and that’s interesting to me. I hope I’m not offending you by pointing this out, but this is interesting that as men, we really do have a lot of shit around this. There was something in you that made you want to separate yourself from maybe having any sexual problems…

[Angel Donovan]: Right.

[Alex Allman]: …and I think that that’s why this is so difficult for men, this idea that you’re not great in bed or that there might be something that you’re nervous about in bed. It’s very hard for men to talk about. It’s hard for them to admit, and it makes them feel like they’re less masculine. It really cuts to their masculinity itself, and that’s big deal.

It turns out that it really works in both directions. If a man can get totally confident and full of trust for himself as a man and his masculinity, he’s going to be probably very good in bed, and if he’s very good in bed, it’s probably going to make him very confident about his masculinity and other areas of his life. So these things kind of work back and forth, and when you get men who at some level are so disappointed by their sexual ability or sexual encounters, or they got humiliated by a woman at some point in their life that they become sort of the guys who pretend they just don’t give a shit and they’re sort of sexual jerks, “I’ll just come and I don’t give a shit,” and this kind of thing. That’s actually in my experience a guy who’s really lying to himself. He’s so stuck in his persona that he doesn’t see that he really does crave more. He craves intimacy with another human. It’s one of the most organic and natural things for us to crave intimacy with another human, but for some men it’s a really, really difficult thing to admit. So, you actually did ask a question that I’ll have to come back to.

[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.

[Alex Allman]: Which are some of the basic issues that men have. So I guess it would begin with performance anxiety. And I’ve spoken to a lot of men now who are young, they’re in their 20s and they’re taking Viagra with them along on a date in case things go well, because they know that when the time comes they’re going to be a little nervous and they might have some problems getting it up. So that's a pretty normal thing.

And I think that part of the cause is, as I said earlier, just this idea that there is so much pressure on us. We create so much pressure on us from our society and from talking to the other dudes, and other dudes are all bragging about, oh, you know, that they never have this kind of problem but they probably do. The real antidote to that is to get out of your head, and I’ve talked about various techniques in the book and such, but they all boil down to the simple truth that for most of us, most of the time, where we’re so much in our heads and not very much in our bodies, we live kind of above the neck, and when you’re in your thoughts, those kind of linear thoughts that we make with words, you’re usually either in the future, “Oh crap, what happens if I can’t get an erection?” or you’re in the past, “Oh crap, I once had this problem before,” and they’re replaying that.

[Angel Donovan]: Mm-hmm.

[Alex Allman]: Or you’re in some kind of fantasy where you’re kind of playing out a scenario of how it might go down and if I did this, would she be cool with that? Is she going to stop me? Maybe I shouldn’t put on the condom because if I do maybe then she’ll suddenly come to her senses and say, “Wait, I don’t want to have sex with you,” you know, where we’re playing all these things, we’re yak, yak, yakking. It’s all this voice in our head. And of course you can’t get an erection because that’s not where a hard-on comes from. Hard cock does not come from thinking about all these scenarios. It comes from…

And of course you’re not thinking about that stuff if you’re looking at porn. If you’re looking at porn, you’re just thinking, “Wow, look at that girl’s hot body,” and there’s now a whole bunch of linear chatter. You’re just engaged in that, “Wow, that’s hot-looking.” But there is this woman naked in front of you and you’re just busy chattering away.

And so the solution really is to tune in to your body, into your five senses, the way she smells, the way she tastes, the texture of over. Hopefully, you’ve laid some candlelight in there, you can get a good look at her. And just being present with that, really being present with that, then performance anxiety doesn’t even exist. It’s just about shutting your brain up. And so there are some techniques around that, but that’s the real basis of it. It’s just to really tune in to her and your enjoyment of her. That is 99% of it.

And frankly, it turns out to be very much the same for premature ejaculation where men, again, they have all this anxiety about coming too soon and they play too much fantasy in their head and they get nervous around that. They play a fantasy in their head about pornography scenarios instead of being present with the woman that they’re with because they have all this anxiety about really being present.

[Angel Donovan]: Right.

[Alex Allman]: And to really engage with her and really be present with her and with the sensations in your body is probably the easiest way to prevent serious premature ejaculation. And then, being less cock-centered and being more in the sensations of the rest of your body will usually go the rest of the way. If you feel yourself becoming more excited than you want to and you’re like, “Oh crap, this could end soon,” don’t be so cock-focused. You can just get into what your scalp is feeling, what the soles of your feet are feeling, your whole body, and really engage in a larger experience. When you ultimately do have an orgasm because you spread your attention around your body, you’ll end up with a much more powerful whole-body orgasm, but also you’ll be able to pretty much last, well, just with that. I mean, it sounds ridiculously simple, and maybe the first time that men try this kind of technique it’s so deceptively simple that it doesn’t work for them, but eventually when you get what I’m talking about here, yeah, it works extremely well. Was there another basic thing that you wanted to talk about?

[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, yeah, there is, and you said something, but I wanted to kind of take a step back into, because you’re talking about premature ejaculation and lasting longer, and one of the great things I saw in your stuff is that you make everything so practical and, you know. Okay, so here’s the question. So how long is normal? Because for me like so many guys, they just like they’re all talking to each other like they’re sexual heroes and they’re exaggerating, and they read magazines and watch porno movies and other stuff, but the reality isn’t necessarily any of these things. So how long is good for the woman and what’s too long and what is premature ejaculation, how long are we talking about?

[Alex Allman]: Well, I guess ultimately premature ejaculation is if you ejaculated sooner than you wanted to, right? I mean, that’s ultimately it.

[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.

[Alex Allman]: And usually what that means is you ejaculated before either you really got a chance to fully explore and enjoy this woman that you worked so hard to get into bed or you were so excited about the sex you were going to have tonight and then, damn it’s over, where she’s disappointed, right? She didn’t get everything she wanted out of it. She didn’t have an orgasm or didn’t have as many orgasms as she wanted.

So it’s different for different people, but ultimately, this stuff about lasting an hour and this kind of thing, I think that men misunderstand that. They watch pornography and they see a bunch of different scenes. You can tell by the change of the camera angle that they’ve moved the camera, during which time there was sometimes a break, sometimes a substantial break. So, ultimately, what you have to look at is when you see people run a marathon, 26 miles in two hours, you’re not going to thrust for two hours. I mean, you have to be some athlete to do that. And the other reason you wouldn’t do that is because no woman can maintain her lubrication for that long and soon the friction’s going to start killing her. And of course you can use lube, but it dries out.

I would guess that if you are really just continuously pounding away and thrusting on a woman for 10 minutes, even 10 minutes, she probably would be very upset by that. She’d be sore and raw. Which doesn’t mean you can’t go hours and hours, but you’re probably not just banging away. When you’re making a real connection with a woman and you’re tuned in to her body sensations and she feels that sense of presence, it’s not unusual for you to be able to give a woman her first orgasm under a minute. I mean, there are a lot of women who would be shocked by that as well as men, but it turns out to be true. And maybe two or three minutes at the outside once everything is kind of in play and you’re really turned on and enjoying each other and she really feels the sensation of safety that allows her to surrender into an orgasm, which is not that easy if you just met, you really need to give her that sense of, “It’s safe here for me to let go.” And I’d love to come back and talk about that in a minute, but just in terms of how long you should last, if you can thrust for two or three minutes and then flip her over, change position, take a break, get a glass of water if you want or just look into her eyes and kiss her for a minute, you can make a whole night go by that way in short bursts. But this idea you just need to bang away is, I think…it’s ludicrous.

I mean, certainly, you could go for the marathon session. You guys might enjoy that in terms of it being kind of rough. Nothing wrong with it. But the idea that you have to do that all the time, I think that would just get boring for most women and men. Nobody wants to do that all the time. But if you feel like you have to be hero, that’s going to weird her out. She’s going to sense that you’re sort of using her as a device to prove something to yourself, and you don’t need to do that. You don’t need to do that.

[Angel Donovan]: Right, totally. There are just so many things I want to touch on from what you just said there. I guess the first one, you know, you’re talking about that in a way the girl feels more insecure about sex generally than the guy, and one other thing is that she tends to be more sexually open when she is just being herself, she’s more vocal and so on, but to really relax like that, as we’re walking around with these like issues about performance and all of these things, we can’t really take charge of the experience and make it easy for the girl, and really, isn’t that our role because she tends to feel more secure and things like that? So as guys our traditional role is to kind of take responsibility for that and to make them feel okay about everything, but if we have our own issues, that just makes it really hard because we’re dealing with our own issues at the same time as we’re trying to make the girl feel at ease, and so it kind of ruins it for both people.

[Alex Allman]: Mm-hmm. Yeah. It’s so, so insightful, Angel. I mean, that’s exactly right. And you know, we have so many options, one of them…I actually spoke at David DeAngelo’s Man Transformation seminar. I spoke about this, and I was kind of nervous when I first started talking about it. I thought, “Somebody’s going to try and kill me before this thing is over.” But my whole talk basically about how a lot of the guys who are in the seduction community, a lot of the programs that you review, they end up kind of emotionally damaged and they certainly end up sexually damaged, and the reason is because they spend too much time strategizing about something that should not be strategized about and objectifying something that is not an object. It’s actually a human being, and she is actually the star of her own life, believe it or not. She’s like a person just like you. I mean, she’s just like you. Yes, she’s got a vagina, but…[laughs]

[Angel Donovan]: She’s like a person.

[Alex Allman]: Yeah. She’s like really a person. And while that sounds obvious, again, I’m going to call it the elusive obvious because what happens is, when you start referring to a group of women as a set or you start referring to her in terms of like a number rating, you know, “Well, she was a 9,” well, she’s not a 9, she’s an attractive human, you know what I mean?

[Angel Donovan]: Mm-hmm.

[Alex Allman]: And we start referring to them as targets, and when they're targets and we have a wingman, we’re actually using military terminology, and it really begins to set up this adversarial thing. And what happens in the brain of many men, I would even say the majority of young men, is that the woman becomes the obstacle to the pussy. It’s like the woman, it’s not the woman you want, you don’t want the woman, you want the pussy and she’s in the fucking way, you know? And there is that mentality that begins to develop. And so, yeah, are you able to connect with her? No, not so much. Not so much. It’s going to be very hard to make the kind of connection that I’m talking about, to really see her as someone who’s really a playmate, just really a friend [00:23:34] fun, and also maintain this sexual tension of understanding that yeah, she is a woman, and yeah, you are a man, yeah, there are these traditional sex rules.

But men and women are both just super-stupid-insecure about sex and sexuality and about their bodies and all that stuff, and so what ends up happening is that ultimately, for her to surrender into a really powerful orgasm, she needs to feel like it’s totally okay. A lot of friends who are women can’t even do this masturbating. They’ve actually been so screwed up by society and societal pressures around sexuality that they really require a skilled and patient lover to guide them through this and to really show them the kind of pleasure that their body is capable of. And some women are very orgasmic and they’re really comfortable and they masturbate a lot, and they know what’s up and they know what it takes to make themselves have an orgasm, but girls like that can make you feel like a hero because they know what they need.

[Angel Donovan]: Mm-hmm.

[Alex Allman]: They kind of take responsibility for it, “Now, can I [00:24:40] just my hips a little this way?” and they’re like, “Could you just get your body down a little bit?” And they’re like, “Oh yeah, perfect. Aaahh!” you know? They’ve got it dialed. But that’s unusual.

[Angel Donovan]: Right.

[Alex Allman]: Yeah, most women need you. And ultimately, I refer to this idea of sexual trust. And the reason I call it sexual trust and not just trust, let’s say for a woman to surrender sexually to you, it’s not that she has to trust you. And I think that a lot of men fuck this up. They think that she has to trust them and so they act nice, right? But sexual trust is different. It’s not the same thing as trusting you with car keys. It’s not the same thing as trusting you not to steal some money from her when she turns her back. It’s a totally different thing.

Sexual trust is more like pilot trust or surgeon trust. So if you imagine that you’re going to be getting onto the operating table and the surgeon is just a really nice guy, you would totally loan him your car keys and absolutely certain that he wouldn’t take any money from you. I mean, he’s definitely an honest guy. He’s not going to overcharge for this procedure. I mean, that engenders a certain amount of trust.

But if you’re getting on a freaking operating table, that’s probably less important to you than the fact that he graduated first in his class from Harvard Medical School, he was the chief resident at NYU Medical Center and has performed this surgery successfully a thousand times in a row without a single complication. That’s what you want to hear. That’s called surgeon trust.

I actually don’t give a shit if he’s kind of a scumbag, right? I mean, for all you care, he cheated on his wife, he is overcharging you and he’s a crook! But he's a great surgeon, and that’s what’s going to make you feel pretty good as they’re putting on that little mask and putting you to sleep, or the IV drip or whatever it is.

So it’s the same now for a woman with sexuality. It’s not that she wants a nice guy. That’s not what allows her to sort of just relax and give you sexual trust. What allows her to get these really deep incredible orgasms is the feeling that you’ve got it. You got it. You’re okay. You got this sex thing. You’re comfortable. You’re confident. It’s not going to be weird. You’re not going to do anything really stupid. You’re not going to make her feel stupid. You’re not going to judge her. You’re not going to laugh if she makes a weird face. You’re not going to make it weird, awkward or uncomfortable for her. You’ve done this before. You’ve guided many women through orgasms without any complications. You’re the guy for the job.

And that has a lot to do with your confidence and your frame and just your ability to just be nonjudgmental and cool with her, just to be cool with her and be like, “You know what? I got this. It’s okay. Let me drive. I know the way.” And just that mental state, that emotional state, is all she really needs.

[Angel Donovan]: Thanks, that’s great stuff. So how important is… you know, you’re talking a lot about sex here, which obviously guys make out to be a really important thing in their lives. But when it comes back to the relationship, obviously a lot of guys have girlfriends and they value the relationship. How important is sex to those relationships, to the success of those relationships?

[Alex Allman]: Well, I’ve this debate a bit with some relationship counselors, and some of them are on my side and some of them aren’t, but I think it’s fundamental. I think it’s everything. You know, sex is not essential to a long-lasting marriage. It really isn’t. What’s essential to a long-lasting marriage is that you’re friends. But if you want a marriage that’s passionate and has sex in it, then sex is everything, right? I mean, there are a lot of couples who have been married for 50 years, they’re best friends but they haven’t had sex in the last 40 of those 50 years, and that’s a different relationship. And I don’t think it’s what we picture. We want something that’s romantic and juicy. I mean, there’s a word for a woman who is…where just everything is great but sex isn’t happening. That word is friend. For a romantic relationship, I think the sex is everything.

Relationships that are sexually passionate are more difficult. They’re much more difficult. A woman who is experiencing incredible sex with a man is not going anywhere. She’s not going to cheat, she’s not going anywhere, but she’s insecure. She feels like she has a lot to lose, and so she’s more likely to act up and be whacky now and then. So, there’s a bit of a prize to pay.

But in getting through those hurdles as a couple, that’s where deep, deep love and passion happens. That’s where storybook romance happens, when you kind of get through that stuff that comes up. Part of what gets you through that stuff is the ability to connect, to really communicate, on this physical level, through really deep, connected sex.

Not all sex has to be deep and connected. You can have fantastic sex that’s not deep and connected provided you’ve got just enough of this, “I got it. Let me drive.” Enough of that, you’re good to go.

But there is another level. There’s another possibility that I think many men don’t…well, honestly, they go to their graves without knowing about. It’s a fascinating thing to me that for a lot of men, a lot of, you know, let me say boys, for a lot of boys, they grow up feeling like because we don’t have a whole lot of rituals around what it means to be a man, all boys grow up feeling like the first time they have sex, that’s when they’re a man, and they feel like things are going to fundamentally shift and they’re going to know something, and then they’re going to be in the club, you know what I mean?

And then, you know, they have sex for the first time and it’s kind of not the way they thought it was going to go down and they don’t really feel anything different at all. And then if you talk to him three years later and he’s had sex with a couple of partners, you just like, what was the big deal about it? A lot of times when you see a really attractive woman and you think, “God, I’d love to fuck her,” and then you do have the opportunity later and you fuck her, it’s like it just wasn’t…the actual sex wasn’t as great as you imagined it would be when you saw her there in the bar. We don’t have a real good idea about what’s really going to make us happy, and yet there is this whole other world of really deeply connected sex that a lot of men don’t even know about, or they hear about it and they think, “Whatever. I mean, if she’s hot, that’s the main thing.” But then when they experience that, their whole life shifts around. They actually do enter into a phase of greater happiness and greater self-awareness, and they begin to drop their old bullshit with themselves in deep ways.

Because one of the things that goes way deeper than this and is a bit philosophical but one of the things that a really deep sexual romantic relationship affords us is the ability to be really naked with someone, and not just naked without the clothing but really naked. And naked without the clothing too, like she looks at your penis and she thinks, “Wow, that’s a cool dick.” And that means a lot because we have some weirdness around that. But really like down to the bone you’re just naked with this person and she totally accepts you. And then she’s totally naked down to the bone with you, and all the stuff that she thought like she would die if somebody found out you know about and you totally accept her, and there’s something so maturing and powerful, centering about being in that space with another person.

[Angel Donovan]: Yeah. What’s great there is you’re really touching on I think the power of sex to actually further develop your relationship, right? Because you develop this intimacy in sex, which improves your sex life and makes it so much better, but then that actually spills out into your whole relationship because you’ve reached a whole new level of intimacy, having exposed yourself to that person in a more intimate and clear situation and you’re feeling purer.

[Alex Allman]: Yeah. It really does profoundly affect your identity as a man. The truth is that we all want to be ourselves. We all want to be authentic. There’s this thing called being authentic. We all want to do that. That sounds cool. Not like James Bond would probably do that, but being authentic seems like that’s what we want to do.

But then we really, really task ourselves with figuring out what authentic is. It’s hard to put your finger on, because there’s a lot of yous inside of you. You’re a different person in different circumstances. And it turns out that identity is not as clear-cut a thing as we imagine it to be, and we lie to ourselves endlessly. There's no way to be authentic with somebody else. We can’t even be authentic with ourselves.

[Angel Donovan]: Mm-hmm.

[Alex Allman]: And you really don’t get where that goes and the reasons that you’re doing it and where all that self-deception is until you’ve been in a deep romantic relationship, which is why they’re so infuriating, by the way. It’s why you get into these huge fights. It’s why women are just so fucking infuriating because they make us face our shit, but there’s a very important journey to be taken there. And not every man has to take it. It’s not that big a deal.

[Angel Donovan]: Alex, so let’s talk some practical stuff here. So you’re talking a lot about how important all this stuff is to relationships and so on, but what are some of the things you can actually do to improve your sex life with a woman? Just expound some things like, you know, a lot of guys, they’re not exactly sure what to do with the clitoris or the vagina. Can you talk a bit about what kind of things you should focus on and what you should actually do.

[Alex Allman]: Well, the real basics of this are to pay attention, and that’ll usually guide you home. The thing with sexual confidence which will get you the sexual trust isw to get sexual confidence, you have to know a little bit about what you’re doing. And I think that the Internet has made this pretty easy. Most of this stuff’s on Wikipedia, and you can get illustrations and all that. It’s really important to know where the clitoris is.

According to women, a lot of men find it very difficult to take instruction from women too. I have women tell me all the time, “He does something that I like and I go, ‘Oh yeah, more of that, more of that,” and then he stops doing it.” Not sure exactly what that’s about, waybe they’re not confident that they get what it is that she’s asking for more of, but let’s just…I can just outline something that’s so basic and so essential that just doing this would probably put your head and shoulders above everybody else’s. We can talk G-Spot and the A-spot, which is the anterior fornix. And again, if you want to know what the anterior fornix or the G-Spot is or where they’re located, just Wikipedia that. You’ll find them.

The reality is that most women can’t—I don’t want to say can’t—haven’t had an orgasm from these deep spots in their vagina. I think only one in seven women report that they’ve ever had an orgasm from G-Spot stimulation. A lot of women find it uncomfortable. I talk a lot in the book about how to what we call awaken the G-Spot. Some women who have never experienced it, it doesn’t mean that they won’t. And so that’s great and you should learn how to do that.

But let's assume for the moment that she’s like most women, and most women, the majority of women, have their easiest orgasms and their most powerful orgasms from just stimulating the clitoris, which kind of sits outside the vagina, and therefore this whole penis size thing goes away. But kind of understanding the clitoris I think is sort of enough. Now, of course, the most important thing is getting her into the emotional state of being aroused and being excited and being into it. I mean, that’s 99%. But to get her there, you need to be confident that you’re going to know what to do when you get her there, right.

[Angel Donovan]: Mm-hmm.

[Alex Allman]: So, the clitoris, learn how to find it, and then understand a few basic principles. First one is that women are incredibly different in terms of what kind of stimulation they like and what kind of stimulation they can tolerate. This is so important because if you had a girlfriend in the past who responded a certain way and you’re like, “That’s what works for women,” you’re wrong. That’s what worked for her, and it may not work for the next one. It’s just incredibly different from woman to woman. And so [00:37:48]

[Angel Donovan]: Right. Alex, let me stop you for one second there because you said something that I think a lot of guys might not get. You said the amount of stimulation they need or the amount of stimulation they can tolerate, and I think a lot of guys don’t realize that it can kind of go bad for her in both ways. If you give her too much stimulation and is getting too much, she’s going to give you a negative reaction then. I think that’s something that a lot of guys misinterpret. Would you say that?

[Alex Allman]: Yeah, absolutely. And what’s interesting is that there are a lot of women who fall off that end of the scale. What happens is the guy saw something in a porn movie or he read something in Cosmo or Maxim that said, “Do this thing to her clitoris.” Well, the clitoris is…it’s weird this way. I mean, there are women who are so overly sensitive that what’ll happen is when you give them any kind of direct stimulation like that, it’s just uncomfortable. It’s like fingernails on the blackboard to them. They can’t tolerate it and you’re killing it for them, and this “oh baby, relax” thing is not what she needs. What she needs is a different kind of stimulation.

So sometimes it’s really a question of less intensity. Sometimes it’s a question of indirect. Sometimes it’s just the size of the clitoris, not right on the head. Sometimes it’s softer, sometimes it’s harder. But rhythm is very important. For some women, it’s just a very, very slow rhythm, surprisingly slow. You never see this in pornography. A surprisingly slow rhythm like a bah…bah…bah.

[Angel Donovan]: So one of the recurring things you’re bringing out here is like basically don’t trust pornography, right?

[Alan Roger Currie]: Oh Lord, yes, do not trust pornography. Pornography will screw you up. If you have a beautiful active sex life with your girlfriend, go ahead, look at porn. I don’t think it’s going to hurt you because you understand the difference between reality. But if you don’t have a girlfriend, you’re watching a lot of porn, and then you get a girlfriend, you’re screwed.

[Angel Donovan]:

[Alex Allman]: Really, it’s bad. And I’ll pick up that tangent in a minute because I would like to really speak to why I feel that way, but let me just quickly just finish this thing about the clitoris, is that you want to find the intensity, you want to find the rhythm, and you want to find where and how. Are you stroking the sides? Are you using the thumb, your tongue? Are you just leaning your pelvis, your pubic bone, up against her clitoris while you’re having intercourse? You can do any of these things. I’ve had a lot of women say that just the feeling of your nuts whacking into it when you’re doing them from behind is what sets them off.

So there are a lot of possibilities here. That's like a tap, tap, tap, right? That’s not a rub, rub, rub. So when you begin to sort of just play with this a little bit, all you really need to do is pay attention to her. She’ll gasp, she’ll moan, she’ll let you know. She’ll start breathing a little heavier. Aha, you’re on the right path. It’s like being on a hunt. But if you go in with a preconceived notion of this technique that you’re going to do, then you’re not going to notice her signs because you’re trying to conform her to this thing. Whereas if you’re just kind of feeling around, exploring her, and then you begin to say, “Oh, okay, this is the stuff where she’s sensitive. Now I know where she’s sensitive. Let me try this rhythm.”

And then, what we do is we tend to sprint for the finish, so we find rhythm, and then she starts getting more and more excited. She’s more excited, so we start going faster and harder. Wrong. You found what worked. Don’t stop. And so what happens is the woman is like, “I’m almost there, I’m almost there, I’m almost there,” and then it’s gone. Well, it’s gone because you sprinted. It’s because you changed what you were doing.

And this is like, what’s weird is a lot of women don’t know that this is what’s wrong. They can’t figure out themselves. They’re like, “It felt good and then it just never happened.” That’s why it never happened. And what’s weird is I get more emails about this than anything else, because I think I give this away in my, like on the side, on the informational letter. And a lot of couples, just this one little thing, just figuring out the rhythm and then not sprinting for the end but staying on that rhythm, a lot of couples are like, “Wow, now she has orgasms immediately. We’ve been making the same mistake for 10 years.”

So, that’s a big one. Men, we’re wired to sprint for the finish. So just unwiring that alone, that pretty much will do it. You can really get any woman an orgasm just knowing that, getting her into the right emotional state, holding that space for her, being the man who is the surgeon that you would trust because you got this, “Let me drive baby, I got this,” coming in with that attitude and just knowing that you can do that. And then great if you want to give her a G-Spot orgasm and everything else, but you’ve already set yourself above 99% of the men if you can just do the easy bit. Most men can’t do that, and they don’t know what they don’t know, but every woman fakes it, so they don’t…most men don’t even know what they don’t know.

[Angel Donovan]: Right.

[Alex Allman]: So it does get pretty deep.

[Angel Donovan]: Great. Now you’re talking about women faking orgasms, so let's touch on that quickly. Obviously, that’s a big worry of a lot of guys, how to know if she’s really having an orgasm.

[Alex Allman]: Yeah, well, I mean, there’s a bunch of ways to really know if she’s having an orgasm, and the best way of course is to be confident in your ability and know what you’re doing. Know what you’re doing, then it’s really never a question. But the second thing that I think is critical in this area is to be that guy who is that surgeon, to be that guy who is just absolutely not going to make her feel weird. It’s not going to be a big deal. So when you show up as the guy who’s trying so hard to make her come, she feels a lot of pressure and she gets that like this is important to you. She’s not going to be able to tell you that it didn’t work out. She just can’t because it’s already so weird. She can just tell like you’re furiously working away trying to make something happen. It’s like, cut that out.

[Angel Donovan]: Right. And you totally don’t want to be that guy who’s like, “Did you come yet? Did you come yet?” right?

[Alex Allman]: Exactly. Well, I mean that's the best way to…that actually forces to fake it, because she gets that you’ve got ego invested in this, and anytime you mess with the male ego you end up with a prick. If a woman says something that kind of makes you feel insecure, you’re going to be hurt and then you’re going have to attack back. And that’s how it happens, like you hurt my feelings and now I’m going to hurt your feelings, and you’re going to say something meaning to her. She gets that. She knows that’s the way men are wired. We get hurt. We hurt back. It’s just what we do. So she’s going to want to make you feel good at that point because she gets you’ve got ego invested in this. She gets that.

So being that guy who’s trying so hard, you know, don’t be that guy. So if you’re not that guy and you’re the guy who is okay with whatever comes up, I don’t know what’s going to come up, right? Maybe we’re new to each other or, I don’t know, even if you’ve known each other for a long time, nobody reads the future, but you have enough self-trust , enough self-trust that whatever comes up it’s going to be okay. If she comes, if she doesn’t come, whatever, it’s fine. You’re going to be okay. You trust yourself. You trust her. Everything’s going to be fine. You’re not going to make her feel weird. You’re not going to make her feel uncomfortable. Then she’s not going to fake it. Then if she has an orgasm, you know, yeah, that was real, because she doesn’t have to fake it because she’s having no problem saying to you, “Hey, you know, I could use a little more.” It’s not going to be weird because you’re not going to make it weird.

[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.

[Alex Allman]: And that’s fundamental. That's fundamental. And then, you know, there are some other signs. It’s rather difficult for a woman to make herself flush or blush, which she’ll do vasodilation when she has an orgasm, so if she’s turning red and the veins are sticking out on her chest, that’s probably a real orgasm. Also, the pH and the taste of her vagina, her vaginal fluid, is changed slightly after her first orgasm, so you probably will detect that slight metallic taste afterwards. That’s another good indicator.

But really, the sure way is don’t make her need to. Don’t be that guy who’s so, “I’ve got to make her come or I’m not going to be a man.” If you’re using her to measure yourself or to prove your manliness, which men do, I mean, that's what most men do and that’s why women fake it. Of course they fake it. If you’re a woman, you would fake it. Of course you would. It’s like, “Oh, God,” I mean, having to deal with this dude after, it’s like, “Why didn’t you come? Was it me?” Who wants to deal with that? It’s just unpleasant. So I would love to circle around and talk about why I think porn is so damaging for so many men, if you’re open to that.

[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, please do.

[Alex Allman]: Yeah. So, obviously, what I said before is that you just learn how to do the wrong thing. Now, randomly, by the way, it could be you learn to do the right thing. Maybe your favorite little clip that you’ve been jerking off too lately just turns out to be exactly the kind of thing that she’s into. But that’s random and unlikely. So, women are wired really differently.

And you need to find out what mood she’s in. She could be in a different headspace where she’s in the mood for something that’s really slow and gentle and romantic. Sometimes she’s in a mood to be thrown down and fucked silly. And so that’s a mood thing. You’re unlikely to get it right based on that.

What the other problem—and I think the really pervasive problem for men who don’t have a lot of sexual partners, maybe they haven’t had a sexual partner in some time and they’re viewing a lot of pornography—is what begins to happen is they actually are training their brain. They’re imprinting themselves. They’re creating a habit in their brain that plays like a deep groove and record over and over and over again that this is what sex is supposed to be. Well, that’s not what real sex is going to be for sure. You will not be watching her fuck some other dude while you’re making love to her. It’s going to be different.

It’s going to be really different, and because it’s different, what ends up happening is for a lot of men it’s not that good or they find that their normal pattern towards sexual excitement is interrupted and so that gives them performance anxiety. They end up not getting it up because their brain is used to watching a girl get it in the face to get hard, and so now they’re not getting hard. And then they’re not getting hard, and you know, they would probably would, by the way, but because they don’t get hard for like 10 seconds, they begin to worry, “Oh my God, am I having performance anxiety?” And the next thing you know they’re anxious about it, they are having performance anxiety.

So there are all these things that begin to groove in, and what they end up losing is the fact that sex is not ultimately a visual act. Pornography is a visual act. It’s mainly something that we look at. And the sounds when they’re having orgasms, that probably affects us, I mean, but it’s mostly a visual act, whereas actual sex, actual lovemaking, is mostly a touch thing. We’re too close to her to see her most of the time. You can maybe see part of her but you can’t see all of her. You can’t see like right up between her legs while your face is up by her face, and you can’t see her face if you’re going down on her. It’s like the whole visual perspective isn’t really that good. It’s really a thing that's mostly about touch.

So, what happens is that you’re really trading your entire sexual response, this biological response that was wired into you, which is really wired for touch through a process called neuroplasticity, begins to become a visual thing. And when that happens, sex becomes no fun unless you visualize something in your imagination. You have to visualize because you’re not into the touching, into the visual. That’s what your body’s been trained to. And when you begin making pictures in your head while you’re making love, the problem is she doesn’t feel that connection and you end up basically having no more or less fun than you did when you were…maybe having less fun than when you were jerking off, and that seems like a shame.

So you’re not getting the full pleasure you could be getting out of this experience. There’s so much more to experience in sex than there is in porn, but a lot of men are just totally devoid of that. They’d rather jerk off. Like it’s easier and no stress, no mess kind of thing, but that's because they’ve disconnected from what’s truly available to them, a huge amount more available to them in this realm of touch. Because touch is a much more primitive sense. It was wired into us long, long before vision was developed on an evolutionary scale, and so it’s much more intense.

And that’s the same with smell. You can’t smell pornography, but all of her pheromones and stuff and really digging into what that is…and of course that last piece of once you’re making pictures in your head, you’re no longer really able to connect with her. And so it’s all of these ways pornography is screwing young men up because, let’s face it, porn’s available on the internet to a much, much younger audience than it ever was before. It’s hard to know what’s going to happen but I suspect that it will be to the disappointment of a lot of women who aren’t getting properly fucked.

[Angel Donovan]: So the advice is, stop watching porn.

[Alex Allman]: Well, I don’t know. That’s a tough one. That’s a tough one.

[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.

[Alex Allman]: Because I don’t think men will take that advice.

[Angel Donovan]: Mm-hmm.

[Alex Allman]: I think the advice is maybe to watch less porn. I think that there’s much to be said for masturbating without porn, by the way, much to be said about that, because you can experience in your mind much more of a fantasy of touch. So I actually think there’s a lot of value in that. I think there's a lot of value in getting yourself a girlfriend and spending more time with a real live human with a pulse than with your laptop. I can’t stress how important having a real live breathing girl in your life is and not thinking that pornography is any kind of replacement. Yeah, I hate to say it, but I think less porn is the solution for a guy who doesn’t have a girlfriend, which is very, again, counterintuitive to what…

[Angel Donovan]: It’s counterintuitive and it’s probably not kind of emotionally what the guy wants to do, right?

[Alex Allman]: No, it’s hard. It’s hard. Yeah.

[Angel Donovan]: Feels like he's missing something so he wants the porn, but he kind of needs less of it in order to get that thing sorted.

[Alex Allman]: Yeah, and I think it would be much easier for him to get a girlfriend if he stops watching porn, too, because he’d stop seeing women as just a visual experience.

[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.

[Alex Allman]: When you see women always through experience in this sexual way, again, it objectifies them more. And then, you know, when you actually meet a woman in the street or in Starbucks and you strike up a conversation with her, all you’re thinking about is what it’s going to look like when she’s bent over, right? That’s not that good. I mean, that's not going to make you Mr. Charming.

[Angel Donovan]: Right. That's a good point because maybe guys don’t realize that that’s kind of not normal and it might have been something that they’ve kind of been teaching themselves, to objectify women more, and it’s because they haven’t had enough experience talking to them and they’ve been looking at porn and other things instead. So, yeah, all great points, Alex.

It’s been great talking to you today. I’m going to wrap up here. You covered a hell of a lot in your interview, so I’m sure like guys have got tons out of it. But I just wanted to say there's a bunch of your products on Dating Skills Review and I wanted to talk about your kind of beginner products like the Revolutionary Sex ebook, which is kind of your startup one, and then you have some more kind of more advanced ones. But you also mentioned just before we started this that you have a new product that you’re bringing out, so would you like to talk about that quickly?

[Alex Allman]: Yeah. I guess I also want to mention that Revolutionary Sex, and I need to go on a beginner thing because nobody wants to say they are a beginner. It’s my least expensive product, is what it is. It also has everything a man needs to become everything he wants to be in the bedroom. My other programs are kind of more specific to specific needs, so like the Command and Control is really for men who want to learn how to have non-ejaculatory orgasms so they can have multiple orgasms.

And the program that we were talking about, Passionate Lover, Passionate Life, it’s a little more relationship-focused and it really looks at sexuality in three dimensions, one being how to be more passionate as a lover because, as it turns out, if you survey a million women, you will discover that the most important thing to you being good in bed from their perspective is your confidence and passion. So, it’s really all about how to get confidence and how to be able to be passionate to really experience your authentic confident self in the bedroom and really be a passionate lover.

And so there’s that, and then there's how to create a passionate relationship which really has a lot to do with learning how to be and hold your space with a woman. It’s about sort of I guess you could simplify and call it the passion in the relationship, really become and learn how to be that guy and how to nurture that relationship so that the relationship stays passionate and you guys are really dealing with each other from a really honest place, which very few couples do and is incredibly satisfying.

And then the last part of the program is how to lead a more passionate life where I basically take the lessons from the bedroom out into life and begin to—there’s a bunch of exercises in that section on how to find your life’s deep purpose and how to figure out what you’re really here for and how to act on it and how to have a more passionate life, a little more of a dangerous life, to really put yourself at risk a little bit where risk really counts because what most people do is they play small in a game that they know that they can win. Playing small in a game that you can win is all well and good, but then you go to your grave having played small. When you play large, when you really play large in life and you go for life passionately, you risk failure. You risk losing, and that hurts your ego. And maybe you even risk some physical danger, depending on what it is, where your passions lie.

But you won’t get a second shot at this. This is your only life. You ought to take this very fucking seriously. You can’t just say, “Well, someday when I have this other life…” That’s not going to happen. Even if you believed in reincarnation, you won’t be you next time around. This is your only shot as you. And we have all these limiting beliefs and we play small, and so we do that in our relationships, we do that in sex, and we do that in our lives, and so this program, Passionate Lover, Passionate Life—it’s kind of my masterpiece really—just really gives hardcore specific exercises, techniques, and things that men can actually do to turn this around and to really grab life by the nuts and play big.

And man, I just really, really hope that men take this seriously. And whether you buy my shit or not is not that important to me, obviously I hope you do, but it’s more important that you just take your life seriously. Take it seriously and…take it seriously now, not later, by the way, because later won’t come. It’ll be over before you know it. So given that it’s going to be over soon and it’s the only one you’ve got, please take it seriously and play big. Play big and stop being afraid to fail or make an ass of yourself or look stupid. Things like embarrassment prevent you from living a life that you could live or were born to live, so I really hope that you’ll seize the opportunity and go out there and live large.

[Angel Donovan]: Alright Alex, it’s been awesome to have you here today. This is dating guru insider from Dating Skills Review, Alex Allman from Revolutionary Sex. Thank you Alex.

[Alex Allman]: Thank you.