#116 How to be Honest with Women and Keep Your Integrity (Even in Open Relationships) with Johnny Soporno
It's how do I maintain my honesty and my integrity, but get what I want and not hurt the girl or woman in front of me, because I don't want to hurt them. So, typically, this is where you don't want to be super-serious in relationships, and you feel that the girl does want to be super-serious. She wants to get into a long-term relationship only, and you don't. Your problem there is how do you maintain that honesty and integrity without hurting her, and that's what we're going to answer today.
Virtually every guy comes up against this and it's a really important thing to fix because it leads to much, greater satisfaction for you. You're going to be much happier. You're going to feel better about yourself. You're going to have higher self-esteem, which will actually lead to better dating qualities. You're going to get better quality women, and so on, a little bit naturally because of that, right. So it's hyper-important.
Today's guest introduces us to his experience and long-term perspective on how he has remained polyamorous - dating multiple women, casually or otherwise - while having multiple relationships without sacrificing his integrity and honesty.
It's a great, in-depth interview, lots of detail in it. So it's a bit longer than usual. So that's great. I enjoyed this chat a lot. The guy we have on today is Johnny Soporno. That's a bit of a take on Johnny Soprano. He took his name because he looks a little bit like Tony Soprano from The Sopranos. So that's James Gandolfini who passed away in June 2013, unfortunately. A lot of you would have watched that show so you'll recognize him when you see the photo of Johnny Soporno who looks quite similar to that.
He has a lot of life experience, this guy, and he's really seen a lot in life. He hasn't held back from exploring everything, and that really comes across in this interview. He's a great person to have as a mentor. He's seen a lot of things. He can walk you through a lot of the problems and things, and challenges he's taken on. So I think that's a good point to make.
Through The Worthy Playboy Institute, which is his organization, he's talking and doing seminars for a very long time also, all over the world actually. He's been to Russia, Eastern Europe, and all sorts of places. He continues to hold these big coaching events in Las Vegas every year, quite intensive events. His tagline is: Enlightening men, emancipating (that's freeing) women. So, very much something he proposes as a win-win solution to men's and women's relations.
He's not trying to get you everything you want and not help the girl out. He believes, fundamentally, that his work is helping both men and women. As you can imagine, he's very passionate about it. He has a lot of conviction about it. He's not conflicted. He really feels that he's putting this information out that we're going to listen to today and it's making everyone's lives better. As you know, that's pretty much what DSR focuses on it too. So it's great to have him on the show.
Most importantly, he has been living and experiencing this lifestyle openly for a very long time. His girlfriend, Violet, is also very open about it. So it's one of the examples where you can actually see honest communication from two people in a relationship who live their life this way. If you google him or you look at the references in the show notes, you're going to see videos of his girlfriend and him talking, and so on. You can actually see and experience what he's talking about.
Specifically, in this episode you'll learn about:
- Johnny's background and social lifestyle (07:05)
- Johnny's open relationship, and explanation of the relationship structure (10:05)
- Open communication in a polyamorous relationship (16:30)
- Breaking down the wall of sexual exclusivity (19:25)
- The ability to grow from external relationships: addressing the primary, secondary, and tertiary (28:55)
- The unspoken truth that women do not trust each other (35:55)
- The mis-programming of women, the reality of knowing the truth as a woman sees it, and applying this perspective to new relationships (42:15)
- Is there a trend towards Johnny's philosophy and perspectives on relationships? (52:27)
- How men can present themselves honestly to women (55:40)
- Approaches to communicating your openness to multiple dating (1:03:45)
- Consider what you like in a woman / relationship instead of what you think you want or setting expectations (1:17:55)
- Trends and changes over time in the world regarding dating and sex (1:27:25)
- How to connect with Johnny to learn more about him and what he does (1:35:05)
- Recommendations for high quality advice in dating, sex, and relationships (1:37:22)
- Top three recommendations to help men get results as fast as possible in dating, sex, and relationships (1:39:50)
Items Mentioned in this Episode include:
- The Worthy Play Institute: Johnny's organization and website. Devoted to "enlightening men – emancipating women", it provides guidance, focus, direction, and instruction on how to help you to permanently purge undeserved feelings of guilt and shame preventing you from becoming the person you can and should be.
- Johnnysoporno.com: Johnny's personal website to find out more about him and what he does, including Seductive Reasoning videos and coaching services.
- Successfulness.com: Johnny's website offering workshops, coaching programs, and access to lectures and seminar videos.
- Anniemay.com: Johnny mentioned the site of his beloved partner Annie-May Cosplay while discussing their relationship and her occupation.
- www.unicorntrainer.com: Regarding the ability to grow from external relationships, Johnny mentioned this YouTube video by his beloved partner Violet talking opening about their relationship.
- DSR Podcast #90 - Maryanne Fisher: Angel noted Maryanne Fisher and the significance of her DSR podcast as related to the lack of trust between women.
- DSR Podcast #102 – Brad Blanton: Angel referenced Brad Blanton and his DSR podcast while discussing how men can present themselves honestly to women. Blanton is also the author of Radical Honesty.
- Zan Perrion: Johnny recommends Zan Perrion, a close colleague and friend, for his work.
- Clarity (Jamie Smart): Johnny recommends Jamie Smart and his book "Clarity".
- Hypnotica: Johnny recommends Hypnotica (Eric Von Sydow) for his work.
- Sasha Daygame and Adam Lyons: Johnny also recommends Sasha and Adam for helping guys build a solid foundation, how to pick up women, and being confident and comfortable enough to do it.
- Brent Smith: Johnny recommends Brent Smith for his lifestyle coaching.
Books, Courses and Training from Johnny Soporno
Full Text Transcript of the Interview
[Angel Donovan]: Welcome Johnny. After what seems like many, many hours of audio troubles, both of our sides, we are finally here. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for joining us.
[Johnny Soporno]: Oh, thank you for having me. I appreciate your patience in working through our technology difficulties.
[Angel Donovan]: So, let's get the audience a little bit of an idea of who you are and where you come from. So, how old are you? Where do you live? What is your relationship and social life style like today?
[Johnny Soporno]: Excellent questions. Okay well, first of all, I'm Johnny Soporno. I live both in Toronto, Canada and Los Vegas, Nevada and I am 46 years old, although you might have to cut me in half and count the rings to verify that.
Anyhow, I live an absolutely delightful girl who's about 13 years younger than me. I often explain, I had her custom manufactured to my precise specifications and could not be happier with the purchase. By using every last dollar of my bar mitzvah money and that explains of course her age and why I'm so satisfied with the purchase. Sometimes, people say to me, "Why didn't you order more of them?" The answer of course is, "I used every last dollar. What's wrong with you people? Don't you listen?"
I have a fantastic relationship with an absolutely delightful lady whom I love dearly who is currently going by the name Annie May. In fact, if anyone's interested, you can check out http://www.AnnieMay.com. That's A-N-N-I-E-M-A-Y.com. Annie May is also a term for Japanese animation spelled slightly differently.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, is that what she does or it is something else?
[Johnny Soporno]: No, no, no, she's just started erotic cos-play.
[Angel Donovan]: Okay.
[Johnny Soporno]: And as a consequence, we decided that Annie May was a perfect name for her. Her name is now Annie May Cos-play and she having a lot of fun and I get to take a lot of photos of her being tremendously sexy in tiny Japanese animate sort of Henti outfits and things and life is good.
So to answer your question, my relationship with my beloved which is now in it's 10th year is fantastic. When we met, she was an aspiring porno starlet, worked and as become quite well-established as a porn star and now, has moved into this new area as the porn industry is be-eating itself and becoming less and less amenable to operating as a successful interest.
So, I have been a management consultant for the majority of my professional career. I kind of wear a number of hats. I have a management consultancy practice that I've been operating for over 20 years. I have also been a relationship counselor and sex therapist for about that long. I am a psychotherapist but, not formally a psychologist because, I didn't follow that chain of education.
I have since learned, as far as I can tell, quite a bit more about psychology than most of the people who will bandy around that term and have ultimately become what I like to call a "standup philosopher." I travel around the world lecturing to both corporate and educational groups and men's- and women's-issues groups teaching them things about life style philosophy as that they can be happier and have better intimate and overall relationships with people of the genders they prefer.
[Angel Donovan]: That's perfect for this podcast. That's a great fit. That's what we're always trying to achieve here. So, I wanted to get a bit of clarity about your relationship. Is it an open relationship?
[Johnny Soporno]: Oh certainly. As far as I'm concerned, the only kind of relationship that has any chance of longevity or any chance of endurance is one in which openness is the key aspect but, I should point out that the term "open relationship" has been hijacked and misunderstood tremendously. I'm a well-establish advocate for open relationships but, the openness isn't about open zipper or you know, open legs. It's about open communication. The key element of an open relationship is that nothing is suppressed or hidden.
I'll tell you an interesting thing, Angel. About 50% of first marriages these days are recorded as failing within the first seven to ten years. 50% of first marriages fail and end in divorce which is only scary when you think about the other 50% end in death. No, on a serious note, 50% end in divorce and in truth, it would probably be a much higher number based on the fact that second marriages have an almost 80% divorce rate. It would be a lot higher for first marriages if more people were confident enough to (when they recognized they were in a bad circumstance) get themselves out of it.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Johnny Soporno]: I think a lot of people stay in marriages despite the fact that they've a tremendous error in judgement and I'll explain, ultimately the most important aspect of that. The reason why so many marriages fail and so many people are unhappy in their relationships is that almost everybody marries a stranger. Almost everybody for the duration of the courtship at least spends most of their time desperately hiding who they actually are and instead, attempting to appear to their partners to be the way they image their partner needs them to be. During the courtship, the man imagines what he thinks his beloved requires and in order to be able to be sufficient for her, he goes through the motions of pretending to be the way that she needs him to be based on only what he imagines she needs.
[Angel Donovan]: Are you saying this is happening from both sides, correct? The woman's hiding things as well?
[Johnny Soporno]: Absolutely, in fact in my long tenure as a marriage counselor, relationship counselor, I can not tell you the number of clients I've had where, when I've spoken with them independently and individually, they have both told me that they have particular fetishes or interest or things that they would desperately like for their partner to be able to do with them. But, the idea of talking to their partner about it was so horrifying, they could never imagine that their partner would possibly be able to put up with this. Whereas both of them are talking about precisely the same thing. Both of them mistakenly projecting on to their partner that their partner wouldn't be into it. When in fact, if only they spoke up, they could be in the happiest relationship possible. The number of men who said, "Oh, I wish I could be dominant with my wife but, she would never allow it," and the number of women who said, "Oh, I wish my husband would be more dominant with me but, I could never ask him," it's staggering. It blows my mind.
I had one couple many years ago who were a lesbian marriage. We've had that in Canada for quite a while. A lesbian marriage who were suffering from what is commonly referred to as LBD or Lesbian Bed Death. It's where the sex has entirely left the relationship. Just the affection and being in the same and holding each other but, there's no urge for sex. So, years will go by without actually either of them having sex but, during the first few years of their relationship, they were having a lot of sex.
I spoke to them each independently and each one of them told me something I found really surprising. Each one of them told me that during their marriage, their partner had never gotten them off, not even once but, they both took great pleasure in the fact they always got their partner off. So if you want to think about that, we're talking about a couple of women, each one of whom faked an orgasm to satisfy their partner. Each one of them delighted that at least they got their partner off. So, neither had orgasms at their partnerÕs hands. Both of them lied to themselves because, they were being lied to by their partners.
[Angel Donovan]: So, it sounds like when you're talking primarily about sexual self-expression, is that the main area where you think people are hiding?
[Johnny Soporno]: I would say that the vast majority of people hide themselves across the board. It is significant to note, I don't know if this has become a common concept but, I came up with something some years ago I call "Marxist paradox" and Marxist paradox is named for the brilliant and philosopher, Groucho Marx, not that communist fellow but, Groucho Marx. A great American comedian, he said, "I'd never belong to a club that would have a guy like me as a member" and men are raised from childhood with the idea that they should never belong a club that would have them as a member only in the context of dating.
In other words, no thinks, "I would never work for a boss foolish enough to hire." No one ever thinks, "I'd never have a friend who's stupid enough to trust me as a friend however, for some reason, we've been raised with the idea that any woman who we did not have to pretend to be on our best behavior for, we did not have to pretend to be bigger than we were, grander than we were who would go to bed with us was too easy. We started with the notion that any woman who would go to bed with us was not good enough for us. Again, a paradox
So, the vast majority of men go through their time desperately trying to be more impressive or at least appear more impressive, so they can get the kind of woman who wouldn't be into them. Then of course, when they get that woman, they have the problem of now needing to live up to the way they've presented themselves throughout the entire relationship and if they can't, they know that either they will be checked out or much more likely, they will be insidiously chopped down constantly by, their beloved who's insisting they should be the way they presented themselves as being in the first place. They'll do that through nasty passive-aggressive manipulations and one of the great gifts of woman-kind, total grievance recall. Every woman remembers every single event that someone has ever done that was unhappy or dissatisfying so she can throw it back in their face if a time ever comes up that she has been misbehaving or she wishes to control their partner.
[Angel Donovan]: Great, I just want to clarify one point on this open relationship. It sounds like you're talking... we've had many polyamorists and people from that vane on this show talking about polyamory and open relationships. Do you include having different partners? It's not a monogamous relationship or are you purely talking about the communication aspects?
[Johnny Soporno]: Let's actually step through that because, it's a great question. I don't consider myself polyamorous and I know that Violet doesn't consider herself polyamorous. I do love a great number of people of both genders. I am sexually interested only in the those who turn me on and to this day, I've only ever found myself turned on by women. So while I'm open to the possibility of some day meeting some guy who turns me on, it hasn't happened. I'm not holding my breath.
Meanwhile, when I meet someone who's exciting or interesting, hot and cool at the same time where the intensity is high, then of course, I want to tell my best friend about it and my best friend happens to be my life partner, the lady I sleep with virtually every night, the lady whom I'm delighted to consistently be invited back to bed by because, she is my best friend. One of the things that's conspicuous is (and this in fact comes right back to what we were talking about a moment ago about why 50% of first marriages end in divorce) in the entirety of my relationship with Violet, I do not believe I've ever told her anything I did not believe to be true.
Openness in the sense of glasnost, transparency is a key element. So of course, I let her know when I find someone hot. I let her know when someone seems receptive to me. She lets me know whether or not she's comfortable with it or feels threatened. Since she knows that I could have essentially any woman I'd like and I know that she can certainly find any man in the world to crawl over glass on his belly to get to her, since we both know that we have a universe of infinite choices, the fact that we keep coming back to one another over and over and over again is so powerful. It's so clear that our emotional and relationship momentum leads us back to one another that neither of us feels threatened by the others having a good time without us.
It's also significant to note that Violet is fabulously bi-sexual and tends to be into primarily the kinds of girls I am which is a great arrangement. When your best friend with whom you have no secrets, with whom you have a relationship that requires absolutely no work and I say work, I mean the investment of unpleasant effort that you would otherwise not choose to do and almost every relationship, everyone insists, "A relationship takes work. A marriage takes work", to which I say, "That's crazy bullshit. The only time a relationship takes work is when you're not being yourself and you're not accepting your partner. Your relationships with your best friends don't required work because, they work on their own.
[Angel Donovan]: I agree. I agree. So I just want to clarify, are you guy sleeping with other people or is it more like a monogamy, just to focus the discussion? I loved what youÕre saying about relationships and we're going dive into that in a second.
[Johnny Soporno]: Violet is my primary.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Johnny Soporno]: She's the person with whom I would share a home and a bed on a routine and regular basis.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Johnny Soporno]: She is also totally comfortable and confident about my many, many, many secondary relationships and the occasional cursory relationship. So, both of us have other partners. In fact, an obligation that she took on when we become partners was to follow what I refer to as my two rules. My two rules are actually fairly well-known. I've been sharing these for a long, long time. In fact, if you type in "Soporno and Two Rules" on any search engine, you'll find this article.
It's a very straightforward thing. I have two rules for every woman with whom I'm involved. The first rule is I will not be any woman's only male partner, period. Every woman I'm involved with must have other playmates.
[Angel Donovan]: So, that's because you know your nature and your nature...
[Johnny Soporno]: I know my nature and more importantly, I know the nature of women. I understand the nature of women. Women have not evolved to be sexually exclusive. Sexually exclusivity is absolutely foreign to the human. There are in fact only a couple of mammals we know of on the earth where sexually exclusivity exists. Even birds, long considered to be the miracle of fidelity, have an overwhelming rate of extra-apparent coupling or non-paternity children. This is to say, they bound for life and then, they sneak out just like humans do. I often point out that if human beings in nature met up and pair bounded for life sexually, there would be no such word as marriage.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Johnny Soporno]: There would be no such word as infidelity or coldly. These words wouldn't exist because, they would never have been required.
[Angel Donovan]: I realized you may just have jumped over a few terms that some people may not understand. First of all, I'm not sure we've covered primary, secondary or tertiary. I get what you mean.
[Johnny Soporno]: I'll explain it for you straightforwardly. Violet is for all intense and purposes my wife.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah.
[Johnny Soporno]: We have each other's names on our credit lines. We have access to each other's bank accounts. We have integrated our worlds. We are life partners. I insist that Violet also have other playmates. I insist this in part because, I know I'm going to have other playmates and I need for her not to become jealous or possessive or resentful. I also know that she appreciates that when I'm not with her, I'm very likely with somebody else.
Sometimes people say, "Why would you want your partner to have other playmates?" and I answer it very straightforwardly. If I were to presume that the standard model, two people meet up and make a deal... They form a union. The union exists like all unions do, to protect poor performers from the hazard of competition from better ones. So in the union, the rule is, "I will grant myself exclusively to you in exchange for which you will grant yourself exclusively to me." What is an inevitable by-product is that eventually one or both sides feel taken for granted which is of course, the death nail of any relationship.
So, instead I look at it entirely differently. I say, if I were the greatest cook in town and I had met Violet and I said, "What's your favorite meal?" and she said, "Lasagna." I say, "I make the best the lasagna you've ever tried" and she tired it and discovered it was true and I said, "Here's the deal Babe, I'm going to make lasagna for you for breakfast, lunch, dinner, midnight snack. Anytime you have an urge to eat, I will make lasagna for you, the best you've every had. All you have to do is never, ever, ever have anything else."
Even if she were to say, "Wow, sounds like great deal Johnny," I will throw away my right to choose in exchange for having what I believe right now to be the best option. After a little while, anything aside from lasagna would start to sound good. As a matter of fact, after a little while, my urge to continually try to make better and better lasagna would disintegrate as I realized my lasagna, no matter how well I made it had just become food meal. Okay?
Nothing special about it. Even if it was the best she'd ever had, it would not please her. So, I would feel taken for granted, unappreciated and abused. Similarly, if she were to walk out the door and try something else and she may even really enjoy it but, then she realized, "You know what? This is not as good lasagna. I really love lasagna." She'd come home and I would make lasagna and feel appreciated.
So, instead of waiting for that to happen, I start with a very simple fundament, "Hey Babe, I will make your lasagna anytime you like. Anytime. Try anything else you like. In fact, try lasagna at other people's places so that you know why you keep coming back. I will do everything I can to remain your best option, ensuring that you recognize that you're making the choice to be with me. So, that you also recognize you must be my best option because, there's always queue out the door of people waiting to try my lasagna."
This is so powerful for both of us. So as I say, rule number one is I won't have any partner who only has me as her partner. If Violet or anyone else were to say, "Oh but Johnny, you're the only one I want. You're the only who does it for me. I'm so into you and go do what you've got to do. That's fine. I'll be fine. You go do what you got to do just so long as I can still a piece of that." The problem is that never plays out. It always happens that someone becomes very angry and anxious and resentful if they feel they're getting a small portion of something they want because, someone else controls access to it.
[Angel Donovan]: So, primary means priority. Whatever she asks, would you...? Like, she wants to spend time with you this weekend. You had plans with a secondary but, you would say, "Okay no, it's my primary had kind of reserved that time"?
[Johnny Soporno]: Generally, speaking?
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Johnny Soporno]: Absolutely. In fact, I'll put in the perfect example. My primary has first dibs and can presume she'll be spending time with me unless, I tell her in advance that I had plans to do something else or I'd like to make plans to do something else.
So, if I say to Violet, "Hey, Catherine's coming in from out of town. I'd like to go pick her up at the airport. She's staying at the So-And-So Hotel. If it's all the same to you, I'll probably spend the night. Is that cool?" She'll say, "Okay, no worries. I'll find something to do with my time," by which she means someone to do most likely.
But actually, to be honest, it's so, so hard for a woman to find a guy who is bed-worthy. Whereas it's so easy for men that in truth, Violet has a small number of routinely available playmates who she hooks up with because, finding someone new is very tricky. It's the easiest thing in the world. If she were to meet someone cool and fun and she does sometimes, most often she'll meet couples who are cool and fun because, she is from their perspective the perfect unicorn.
She is a beautiful, sexy, bi-sexual girl who will enjoy them both and not make any maneuvers to try and break up their relationship. So when she meets a couple and she's going to go and have a good time, I say, "Knock yourself out." If it turns out that they're cool with my being a participant, I'll participate.
While I'm not interested in having sex with the other, I'm more than happy to have sex with girls with another guy helping me have sex with those girls by doing other things with them. So I often explain, as long as his testicles are shaved so that mine and his won't end up in a Velcro-like connection when we're double penetrating someone, then I'm fine.
[Angel Donovan]: Sure. Are you guys... we've had a few people from the swinger community on. It sounds like you get involved in that community sometimes.
[Johnny Soporno]: I'll be fair. Most swingers, I have found are accidently trapped in a long-term relationship with someone whom they absolutely adore but, with whom there's no longer any sexual connection. So, in order to maintain their happy relationship with their partner with whom they rarely actually have sex all alone, they both have decide they want to keep their relationship going but, they also want to satisfy their sexual needs.
So, they hook up with other people so that they can have sex and this is where in fact, what's happened is they have inadvertently become essentially siblings sharing a bed. They've become so familiar, such a family connection between the husband and wife that now, they don't want to break up but, they have no sexual interest in one another. The trouble domain is that when swingers hook up with new people, it is extraordinarily likely that one or the other will become infatuated with someone new they've connected with.
So, I don't consider myself a swinger. I have been welcome into the "swinger lifestyle community." I appreciate and value the notion but, Violet and I, once again consider ourselves free-agents who invariably choose to be back with the other within very little time. In other words, if we're in the same at the same time, we can expect we'll probably end up in the same bed. That we also have other options, that we also have other beds we could be in and many other people with whom we could connect with is actually tremendously gratifying because, it proves to us why we're with each other that we choose again and again and again and again to be with one another.
[Angel Donovan]: Would you say you also grow from these external relationships. It strikes me if you put yourself in a cocoon for 20 years with one partner, you've got a less stimulus to grown, to expand, to get more creative.
[Johnny Soporno]: That is a brilliant way to say it. Absolutely, I feel so... the way I look at it is, if Violet were to go out and try someone else's lasagna and discovered there was some aspect to it that was really great, without question she would tell me about it and I would be totally open to it because, after all the open communications is tremendously validating. She says, "Oh, he used a special whatever." "Sounds great. Let me see if I can find out how to do that too because, anyway I can improve is wonderful." When I go off and prepare my lasagna for some stranger whose mind is blown, that's very gratifying too.
Sometime, they'll say, "Oh wow, that was amazing. Hey listen, have you have ever heard of this kind of flavoring because, it would really add to it. I've had it with other people." I say, "Sounds great. I'll give it a shot." Each one of us is consistently experiencing new things.
I constantly tell people, if you learn how to play chess from your dad and by the time you can beat him, you go out and you play chess with a stranger, odds are very good you'd get your ass handed to you because, all you've learned was how to play with one person. So, this is a lot more like when you're sparring or learning martial arts. In fact, that's why I refer to my business as "Marital Arts Training."
[Angel Donovan]: Is that how you call it now? It sounds like your type of open relationship doesn't really fit into with the standard models, right? It doesn't fit with swinging. It doesn't fit in with the standard polyamory models.
[Johnny Soporno]: It is accepting of them. It interfaces with them but in truth, my version of open starts from the premise that every person must be loyal to themselves first because, if they are not loyal to themselves, no one has any reason to trust them. So, starting with the idea of being loyal to yourself and always looking out for what you believe is in your best interest, your partner who also is looking out for themselves, if they believe having you in their life is important to them will do whatever they need to to ensure that you continually choose to be back in their life or to remain in their life.
Each one is obligated to be the partner's best option because, they've not ever made a deal that says, "I'm going to stop looking around for something better. I'm not going to settle for anything. As long as you continue to be my best option, you can be sure I'll be here because, that will make me the happiest and entirely selfishly, entirely self-invested, I go after the things that will make me feel the most wonderful, the things that will make me feel the best about myself."
So if I were by my nature able to feel the same kind of powerful love that I have Violet for other people, I would describe myself as polyamorous. In truth, I have an awful a lot of love and affection and appreciation for a whole bunch of people. Their happiness is essential to mine. If I observe they're having a hard time, I feel the urge to try to help because, I care. I can not bear to watch someone I love miserable. That's it.
[Angel Donovan]: So, the secondaries are ongoing relationships as well, right? It's not one month, it's potentially yours or months with yours?
[Johnny Soporno]: I have some secondary relationships that predate my relationship with Violet. I have girlfriends I've been seeing for 20 years.
[Angel Donovan]: And the tertiary? You mentioned the tertiary relationships. I'm guessing that's hook ups or what would that be?
[Johnny Soporno]: Yeah, it's hooks up. Maybe hookups that happen from time to time where it's clear to me. I have to tell you; I think Violet has licked my semen off the faces of the overwhelming majority of my secondary relationships. She and I have been to bed with most of my playmates. Every once and a while, I'll meet someone new and she'll be hot and we'll get a long well and she'll be into me and I'll charm the pants off of her and we'll decide to go to bed. Now of course, she knows about my relationship with Violet. I'm extraordinarily clear about that and in fact, Violet has recorded something for women I met up with which is on line on YouTube in which she explains that she's encouraging them to have a good time with me.
[Angel Donovan]: Is that a private video?
[Johnny Soporno]: Oh, if anyone wants to go to http://www.UnicornTrainers.com...
[Angel Donovan]: Okay.
[Johnny Soporno]: I think http://www.UnicornTrainers.com or http://www.UnicornBreeders.com. I think we have a bunch of those domains. They'll find it. It's a little video. Violet is speaking very candidly. She recorded for me while I was out of town of her own design. She said, "I'm going to do this because, this will make life easier for Johnny."
So to address this the right way, as I say, "Marital Arts" is the kind of mastery I try to help people reach. Ironically, I have the trademark on Marital Arts. It's http://www.MaritalArts.com and http://wwwMixedMaritalArts.com which I feel is something is something that has to be developed.
The idea that a person starts out with a faulty premise of how relationships are supposed to work is overwhelmingly true. Almost everyone watches their parents lying to one another or fighting, breaking up horribly and having tremendous acrimony as well as a lot of alimony. The models that people have of how relationships are supposed to work are stupid because, they don't match between what they see on TV about how things are supposed to be and how things actually are in the real world. There is a profound disconnect and the idea that people are supposed to meet the perfect person and settle down for the rest of their lives is untamable. Now, I see an awful lot of miserable people all the time and it makes my heart break because, as I say, I'm a very compassionate person. I would do anything I could to encourage to feel as good about themselves as they can.
Now with regards to primary relationships, because I'm not fundamentally polyamorous, I can only have one primary relationship. The secondary relationships are ongoing, loving relationships with people I treasure. Sometimes, theyÕll end up getting married and disappear off my active roster for some time but, I don't have any ex-girlfriends, just girlfriends in remission.
[Angel Donovan]: I think that's an interesting concept. I mean, I think a lot of people have ex-girlfriends and when you have a more open way of living, those relationships don't tend to get closed off. Whereas in the normal world, people feel like they have physically close off those relationships once they're ended and also because they... I think it's also due to the pain. They feel too much pain to have those people around.
[Johnny Soporno]: Sure but, you got to start from the premise that almost everybody believes that they can either be friends or they can be lovers and the truth is, I am lovers with almost all my female friends, maybe not often. Maybe not lately but, it is pretty much an inevitability that two mature adults of appropriate to one another's gender preference who spend a lot of time together, really get to know each other will eventually fall into bed.
So presuming and therefore, treating every woman as a "Oh, I am her lover," pretty soon I become one. Now, this is a very comfortable thing. I've said this forever. Treat every woman as though you were sleeping with her and pretty soon, you will be. Now, the amazing part about it is, women love this. They love having someone as a friend whom they actually believe they can trust because, overwhelmingly women don't tend to trust one another. Many women, I can not tell you how many women have told me over the years that they simply don't have anymore female friends because, they can't trust them.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, there's a researcher called Maryann Fisher. She studies intrasexual competition. We had her on our previous interview. You might want to check it out. It fits very well with what...
[Johnny Soporno]: I'd gladly. It is an interesting thing. I was speaking at something called "The Real Man" conference in 2008. There were about 1200 in the audience, 1100 males and 100 females and one of things I spoke about, I said, "How many of you in the audience, please put up your hands if you have any close, dear personal friends whom you do not believe you can trust," and most of the people in the audience looked to each other and going, "Well, I don't understand. How... what... those words don't fit together. How can you have a close personal friend you don't believe you can trust?"
There were about 100 hands in the air and I said, "If you have your hand in the air and the close personal friend you have you do not actually believe you can trust is female, please lower your hands," and all the hands went down. I pointed out that women... men get furious with women because, women will do things like make a date with them and then stand them up. They flake. They do this to women all the time too. Every woman knows that other women have been raised from childhood with this notion, your job is to keep people happy and the best way to keep people happy is tell them what they want to hear.
So, if I guy asks you out to a movie, you could tell him no and then, he'll feel bad and you'll feel bad for that or you could tell him, "Sure," which he'll feel well. All you have to do to not have to go to the movie is not take his phone calls. In other words, women learn from a very early age that it's much, much easier to tell everyone yes but, until you learn how to tell someone no confidently and comfortably, when you say yes, it can't mean anything. This applies to both genders.
Until a person learns to be confident enough in themselves to say no when they mean no, it can't possibly mean anything when they say yes. So since every girl grows up knowing that her job, her job is to keep people happy and most particularly, keep her sponsor happy and her sponsor usually takes the form of Daddy. Daddy will always be happy with her so long as she's not doing the things that he considers misbehaving and women learn from a pretty early age from their mothers and sisters and from other people's mothers and sisters is what Daddy doesn't know won't hurt him.
So, in order to live within the constraints that society puts on women regarding they're being little princesses and virginal until they're married, girls learn very quickly that the right answer to the question is, "Of course not, I wasn't doing whatever it is you think I was." So, they learn very quickly that they're job is to lie to their sponsor because of course, when they come home having just pulled a train sexually for a bunch of guys on the football and they walk through the door at 2:00 a.m. and their father say, "Where were you? Were you having sex?" they know to logically equivocate.
They say, "Oh Daddy, how could you ask such a question? I don't even have a boyfriend. You know that," and that maybe all be true. She doesn't have a boyfriend. That doesn't mean she didn't have sex with six guys but, she doesn't have a boyfriend. Daddy says, "Oh, I'm sorry Honey. Okay, you go to sleep, we'll talk tomorrow," because of course, she's now defused the problem by addressing an entirely different fact and being clear. It's like, "Did you sleep with anyone while I was out of town, Honey?" "Of course not," thinking to herself, "We were too busy fucking to get any sleep."
The nature of women as we've raised them as a culture is for them to appreciate they're job is to keep people happy by telling them what they want to hear and that not getting caught misbehaving is exactly the same thing as behaving well. A girl grows up knowing that her job, her responsibility is to keep Daddy happy by telling him what he wants to hear and not letting him believe anything that would make him unhappy.
Then, as long as she's wearing Daddy's last name, she's Daddy's responsibility. Some day, she will happily transfer over responsibility to someone else whose last name will replace Daddy's and then, that person becomes her sponsor and his job as his taking over from Daddy, he becomes Hubby. Of course, in the same way as keeping Hubby happy by not letting him hear about or learn about or believe she's misbehaving becomes her model.
Knowing this, the open relationship solves the problem. When the girl recognizes that you're not taking on responsibility as her sponsor, giving her the right to do what she wishes as long as she keeps me in the dark, (in fact I say, I am utterly permissive)anything you want is fine. There are no restrictions. You just have to be clear about it. If we ever reach a point where something that you need to do or want to do is something unacceptable to me, I'll tell you, "It's unacceptable to me," and then we can choose no longer to be together.
I am the most intolerant person you'll ever meet. I consider toleration to be self-sabotage. To tolerate something is to consider it unacceptable but, give it a pass. You tolerate something when it's absolutely not acceptable but, you're going to pretend it's ok. Instead, I accept basically everything.
If a girl says, "You know, I've really gotten into the habit of vivisecting live babies," I'll say, "Honey, I can't accept that. I'm not going to tolerate it. I got to go." So, either I embrace and accept whatever it is as it is, with no blinders or I don't accept it and I move on. This has made my life incredibly easy. Either it's acceptable which is overwhelmingly the universe of possibilities or unacceptable and the only really unacceptable thing is dishonesty.
[Angel Donovan]: Well, I mean, this gets us into a bit of conundrum. Basically what you've been saying is that, most women grow up learning not to tell the truth because, it's going to be easier for everyone involved.
[Johnny Soporno]: Absolutely.
[Angel Donovan]: So when you first meet a woman, I'm assuming you feel like this is all women or most women, 95%?
[Johnny Soporno]: Let's change it. When I meet a new woman, I presume that she has been misprogrammed by the society the same as almost all other women. I presume that she's going to tell primarily what she wants me to hear and wants me to believe and I tell her, the only thing I care about is knowing the truth as she sees it and that the easiest thing is to be clear with me, that there is no wrong answer. I will accept whatever it is she's come through.
[Angel Donovan]: Are these the actual words you use because, I know the guys at home are going to be like, "I can't just come out and say that."
[Johnny Soporno]: Very much.
[Angel Donovan]: When I meet a girl in a bar, how are things going to progress if I want to take this new tact to starting relationships?
[Johnny Soporno]: Ah, that's a wonderful question and thank you for it. You've just put me back on track perfectly. The answer is the first mission of every man...and I say this very clearly because, I consider the people who take this on to be what I refer to as "Manumissionaries", people who have taken on the job of "manumitting people". To "manumit" they is to emancipate them, to free them from slavery and society enslaved women.
It starts with some really screwed premises. It starts with the notion that a girl who does what she wants for her own reasons clearly has no self-respect. In other words, if a woman chooses to have recreational sex with someone because she enjoys them and not because of what she can get out of them or because, they've committed to take care of them forever, other people will decry her in nasty ways. Other people will say, "Well, look at that girl. She's having sex. She's giving herself away for nothing," which proves she has no self respect.
As soon as a person buys into the idea that a woman's having sex is her "giving something away for nothing," or having sex is always an exchange, "Oh, he took me out to the movies. He paid for the babysitter. He paid for everything. So, it's okay as long as I'm bringing in, it's okay that I'm putting out." So as long as women accept the notion that they must be paid for sex, then it's okay but, if they ever have sex purely because they wish to, they must feel tremendously guilty about themselves. They will self-describe as slutty because, they had sex to suit themselves.
So I say to men, if you help women to recognize that you will not condemn them because they do what makes sense to them, you will not condemn them because, they are honest and forthright and clear and doing things to best serve themselves. Then, women become free. They go, "Holy shit!" The question that women ask me constantly is, "Why aren't more men like you?" and I say with absolute sincerity, ÒI'm working on it." My job to help enlighten men so we can emancipate women because, free women will do what they like and free women will like men who will let them be as naughty as they'd like to be.
So to answer your question, if I meet a new girl, we're having a conversation, one of the things I'll usually talk to her about is what I call "my seductive reasoning paradigm." I will point out that in our society, women are divided into two parts. On the one side, there's a woman who does what she wants to for her own reasons who chooses not to settle down, not to get married or have children and therefore, is debrided by her parents and friends.
They say, "You're going to be an old maid. What are you going to do? You're not going to find someone to take care of you," but this girl may in fact be completely comfortable because, she can provide her own security. She does not need to outsource her security to another person. So, she's a free person.
Meanwhile, we say about that woman because, she's having sex to suit herself and not because, she's getting a commitment of security from someone else. She's not getting a payment. She's not getting a promise of ongoing anything. She's doing it because, she enjoys it. Other women consider her a fantastic threat because, she's giving away what they've been raised to believe they have to sell.
So, she's become a union scab undercutting the sexual cartel. So, other women have a nasty, nasty four-letter word they'll throw at her and I get the women I speak to to tell me what that word is and invariably they come up with "slut". Sometimes, they'll start with whore. I say, "No, no, no. A whore is one who's explicitly paid for sex. I'm talking about someone who gives herself away for nothing and therefore, we know has no self-respect." They say, "Oh a slut."
I'll say, "Okay, so let's start with we have camp of women, The Sluts. The ones who give themselves away for nothing and therefore, have no self-respect. On the other side, we have women who have self-respect. They would never give themselves away for nothing. They always charge for it and what's the word for a woman who charges for it? Oh yes, whore. So, we've now nicely divided in society's eyes, this is not me. The is the way you came up with these words. You recognize this to be true," and I'm very clear about this to women.
I also make sure they use the words first. I say, "Okay, so if we have the women who choose to do their thing for their own reasons, we condemn them. We say, 'Bad girls, unwanted,' but these girls who have sex because they're getting a reward...maybe the reward is, 'He fixed my breaks or he filed my taxes for me or he got me a better job or he took me and bought me diamonds or he promised to love me forever,' or any other form of security, we say, 'Okay.' "
"It's Okay if you do that but, really you don't want to be one of those low-status whores. You want to be a contract whore. You want a very small number or only a single client who will provide for you forever and in order to get that kind of client relationship, you have to make sure that men know that they can't access to your sex unless they're prepared to contract with you for it guaranteeing you support for your entirety and for any of your offspring who they will presume are their own."
You have a nasty four-letter word for that sort of woman too. Like I said, we call her a "wife." When you describe this to women, they all nod furiously recognizing the evil of society that women have been taught by their mothers and fathers and you're going to love this, Daddy says, "Don't hook up with him. He just wants to get into your pants. Hold out for that guy who wants to take care of you for the rest of you for the rest of your life and provide for you and your children. Because after all, I raised you to be a whore, not a slut."
Meanwhile, Mommy says, "You mustn't be a slut. Nothing is worse than being a slut. If people imagine that you'll have sex with them for nothings, they'll think they can use you and nothing feels worse than feeling used. So, it's critically important you remember, if you give away the milk, no one will buy the cow which is another way Honey of my reminding you, I raised you to be a whore, not a slut." However, Mommy and Daddy never realized they should be clarifying that last sentence. In fact, they usually don't realize in their own minds that what they've just said is, "I raised you to be a whore, not a slut."
Now, if stop and think about this, it's kind of awful. In fact, it's very awful. It brings us to a much more important thing. Do you know why men get so enraged by the other guy who is sleeping with their girlfriend or wife. They get so angry when another guy is making a move on their wife. It's because, they consider their wife, their property. They think, "That guy is getting the pussy I'm paying for, " which is a sickness in our culture, a sickness.
So instead of people's recognizing that they are independent, free-wheeling, freely governed humans who can make their own decisions, we have taught all women that, "If you do what you want instead of what society explains you should be doing, you need to feel badly about yourself. You need to condemn yourself as having no self-respect."
Well if any man were told, "If you do what you want to do for own reasons because it makes sense to you instead of what the vast majority tell you you ought to do, that means you've got no self-respect," any man would say, "What are you talking about? That's ridiculous. My making my own decisions for myself based on my own reason proves I have self-respect."
So, if you come back to simple logic, if you can prove that true is equal to false, that one is equal to zero, that yes is equal to no or any other demonstrably provable inconsistency, then you can prove anything. Women are raised to understand that if they make their own choices for themselves, leading their life their own way, then they will be condemned and need to feel badly about it themselves. They will be seen as a slut. They should punish themselves for being seen as a slut.
The sexual cartel says, "All men must be made to pay for sex and women who violate that are decried uniformly" and men are so stupid that they accept that the sex that they don't have to pay for is not valuable. Although in fact, many of the men I've met who are married and have been for a long time have come up with an even more interesting thing. They tell me the answer to a happy sex life is simply to pay for sex and that the sex they don't have to pay for directly is always the most costly and they're usually referring to their wife or their previous wife.
So, I make life very easy for everyone. I say, "Speak your truth. Recognize that we are operating under the incompatible and inconsistent idea that women are better off pretending that they're well-behaved, pretending that they're the way they project other people are supposed to want them to be rather than being themselves." My take on it is that if you empower everyone to make their own decisions and not deny them any access to actually information so they can make their own decisions, then they will consistently make the best decision for themselves and this I have observed countlessly amongst my own friends, colleagues, peers, everyone who is clear and open, obvious.
[Angel Donovan]: So, let me ask you... because, I can see you're very passionate about this philosophy of life. I'm sure everyone can hear that passion. I could think about is a few... I guess more practical aspects I'd like to understand. It's like first of all, just in like the people you've seen and maybe you've convinced some of them because, I know you've been teaching this kind of stuff for a while, have you a met a fair amount number of people who buy into your philosophy now and are there communities? Like would some of the polyamory or some of these other communities be kind of open to this way of thinking? How receptive do you find different populations to these ideas?
[Johnny Soporno]: Let me ask you question before I answer that. Has anything I've said not rung true in your mind?
[Angel Donovan]: Oh, I think it's great. There's some aspects I'd like to go into in a second but, I think with different trends in society maybe it isn't like black or white but, it's never black or white, right?
[Johnny Soporno]: Absolutely, so here's my comment, okay? I explain to people as best I can, using irrefutable arguments backed up undeniable facts which lead to inescapable conclusions. So this means, once I have laid this stuff out, I don't have to do anything else. I can just let them have time for it to settle because, these irrefutable arguments are in fact irrefutable and the undeniable facts are in fact, undeniable. So, the inescapable conclusions are in fact inescapable.
The trouble domain is merely at the time I'm speaking with them, sometimes their ego rejects it. Their ego says, "Wait a second, this doesn't match with what I've always accepted as true. Therefore, this guy must be crazy," but I just let them sit with the information in their own mind until it settles and then, they can scarcely remember a time when they thought about it the previous way. So, the answer is overwhelmingly the reception is positive because, after all what I'm saying is as clear as what I just said to you. There's nothing challenging about it except that at the outset, you go, "Wait. How could it be that easy? I can't be that easy" but, of course it is.
[Angel Donovan]: What I'm thinking about is a few things. I have a few ideas about how societies may be changing and it's making the model you've brought forth, it's kind of like the more traditional views. So, I see women are getting more independent for example, right? So, sometimes they're making more money than the guys often in places like New York and so on.
The other thing I see, like when I'm looking at online dating sites for example like http://www.OkCupid.com and the more extreme sites like BDSM and fetish and so on, right? People are being very open about what they want. So, people are being able to connect directly on their sexual needs in a more open fashion. I guess, I'm just asking you what you think of these trends. Is the world getting closer to your view? Over time have you seen that, over the last 10 years? How long have you been teaching this stuff or talking about this stuff?
[Johnny Soporno]: I have to say about 20 years. In fact, it might have been longer this. I've certainly been living this way since my late teens, early 20s. I am the only person I can say that I know who can sincerely say, "I have only ever cheated on one relationship and it was my first relationship." I learned my lesson and since then, I've had sex with some ridiculously staggering number of partners, every single one of them knew the score and I have not lied to any of them and that makes me feel very good about myself. It also keeps me from having people angry with me.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah so, when you say you're lying, if a guy at home needs like... he's buying into this and he thinks this is a great way of living, how can he do that? If he simply doesn't want to lie, like how simple is it? Could you just say just say like, "Oh, you just have to do this"?
[Johnny Soporno]: It is as simple as it could possibly be. I'm not suggesting people be tactless. I'm not suggesting one overlook diplomacy because, to tell someone what you actually think of their newborn baby is just... you know but, people need to believe their own things and you don't need to stomp on them no matter what.
[Angel Donovan]: Okay.
[Johnny Soporno]: That said, speaking your own truth, recognizing that you will serve everyone better if you offer them Hobson's choice. Are you familiar with Hobson's choice?
[Angel Donovan]: It's been a long time. I don't remember. I know the name but...
[Johnny Soporno]: Okay, Hobson's choice is usually misunderstood as no choice but, it's actually not. Hobson's choice was based on a fellow named Hobson, a British fellow who ran a livery stable and rented horses. In order to give each of the horse the longest period of time to recovery before being rented again, he invented "first in, first out." In other words, the horses were rented in the order in which they were returned.
So if you came in and you said, "I don't want that one. I want that one." He said, "Well, the only one available is this one. If you want to wait, you might be able to get the one you want, but for all intense and purposes, you will take the one that's available period," or as Henry Ford said, "You can have the Model T in any color you like so long as it's black." Now of course, people think that's no choice. Absolutely not, it's not no choice. That's ridiculous. It's the only choice that matter. Take it or leave it.
The only choice that matter whether or not to engage. So, when you let people know exactly who are and exactly what you want, exactly how you behave and what you are prepared to accept and you make it clear that these simple and straightforward and that the other person can make their own best judgements based on these truths. Other people will make up their mind.
The people who choose to involve themselves and accept what you're saying recognize you're going tell them the truth and not what they want to hear. You're going to allow them to indulge in a long-term series of denial. You're not going to encourage them to experience cognitive dissonance, knowing one thing is true and trying to prepare to themselves something else is true. You let let them know the truth.
How easy is it? Well, if you believe that you're worthwhile, it's as easy as peace, as it could be. If you believe you're not worthwhile, it's terrifying. If you buy into Marxist's Paradox, it's terrifying. If you believe that any woman who would go to bed with you is not good enough for you, right which is of course insane. If you've ever in your lifetime gone to bed with someone who you enjoyed for whom you did not pretend you were anything more than you were, she just liked you and wanted to go to bed with you and then, you didn't follow up with her because she was too easy, well you are an idiot.
Too easy is the most ridiculous concept of all time. In fact, Guys if you wonder why women play so many games, it's simple. Women know that the thing they least want is to feel used. Men also desperately want not to feel used. If a guy takes a girl on a bunch of dates and finally, she doesn't want to go to bed with them and says, "Let's just be friends," the guy feels used. If the girl goes to bed with a guy who she thinks is worthwhile and he doesn't bother to return afterwards, she feels used. Nobody wants to feel used.
So, the women have this problem. They know that if you go out with them and they really like you and they want to hook up with you and their brain is going, "I want, I want," they know that if you know they want you, you'll think they are too easy and you won't follow up. In other words, if they go to bed with you on the first encounter, they can count on that you won't follow up. Therefore, if they really like you, they have to force you to go through the audition, to go through the process of multiple dates so they can see that you are invested enough to hang around.
I watch this with such frustration because, the women are denying themselves things so they can get the guys to up the ante on demonstrating that they're going to hang around. The guys have therefore learned they have to pretend to be a certain way so they can get what they want and then, the girl ultimately feels used but worse, played by a guy who has spent many hours trying to get her into bed. Then once he says, "Woof, that was fun. I've played my game. I've gotten my notch on my belt. Now, I can find the next one."
All this is horrifying. It helps no one. No one. Pick up artists whom I often describe as the con artists of the sexual predator domain. People who go through the effort of presenting themselves as being the way that girls feel they need them to be just so they can get the girls to give up what they want to get from the girls are on a never-ending treadmill. They're not in it to laid. They're in it so they can prove to other guys how good they are at getting girls. There's no exit from this treadmill.
I look at those guys with tremendous pity. Most of the people who come to me for consulting, most of the people come to me for coaching are what I refer to as "recovering pickup artists." So to me, it's a simple thing. If instead of looking at dating as an opportunity to pretend you're at your best so that the other person will choose you, if you look at dating as an opportunity to hang out with someone and get to know how much you enjoy them and fi you enjoy them enough, go to bed with them.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah. I mean, a lot of stuff there I agree with totally. I think guys, one of the problems is that they don't feel worthy, right and I know this is something you talk about a bit but, there's a bunch of things I just want to point over in what you just said before we go on to that.
We had the author Brad Blanton. I assume you know of Radical Honesty, the book Radical Honesty. The reason I'm brining it up is because, when you were talking about not lying and being truthful with people, you said there is a part of diplomacy. You have to be a bit diplomatic about it, a bit subtle. Whereas Brad comes from a perspective where he's just very like in your face and direct. So for the guys at home, if you've seen his work, how do you compare or differ from him?
[Johnny Soporno]: I think Radical Honesty is a brilliant concept. I recommend it to my own clients constantly and I say, "Here's a very simple thing. For the next X weeks commit to yourself to be absolutely candid. Now, what a person can learn very quickly from that is that they will alienate the hell out of the overwhelming majority of people around. This will in fact be helpful because, the people whom they have to pretend just in order to keep in their world will vanish and the people who will accept them as they are will hang around. This is a wonderful, a fantastic filter however, it is my take on the world that you don't need to be savage with everyone. You don't need to be brutal.
In fact, I can tell someone something entirely clear without there being any room for the possibility they've failed to understand me without being radically honest in the context of speaking my mind without any interlockers, without any massaging of things so that they will be better received. Most people's egos exist principally to protect and defend their preconceptions.
So, if you tell someone something that they actually need to know and will be helpful to them, in a way that is too abrupt, they will simply walk away from you. It will have no effect. So my take is, if you frame things in a way that allows them to take it with them without anger and allow it process on it's own time, they have a much greater benefit from it.
I don't want to tell someone, "Wow, you're fat. You need to workout or you'll have a coronary and die." In fact, I can let them know that if I believe it to be true in a much less abrupt and difficult to accept way. I make certain they get it.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, there is this typical situation that's always coming up in our coaching and I know the guys at home that when they're dating a girl and they want to date other girls and they don't want to hurt her or they don't want to see her anymore. If you've got some good examples in which... I don't know, have lines or approaches they could use in order to do this subtly and not too harsh on them.
[Johnny Soporno]: As I say, I sleep with pretty much all of my female friends, if I meet a new girl and it's clear we're going to be friends. See, guys say to me, "How do you make things work?" I say, "Guys, I'm never rejected because, I don't walk over to someone to offer them anything." Okay? I don't walk up to a beautiful girl in a club and say, "Hey, check me out. I'm awesome. Look how great I am," and I don't walk up to a girl and say, "Oh my god, you're the hottest thing I've ever seen. I'll do anything to get with you." I walk up to a pretty girl with the intention of finding out whether I can stand her. My pickup line is simplest thing in the world. I say, "Hey, I'm Johnny. What's your name?" and we go from there.
The truth is, since I so clearly accept myself, since I am absolutely not interested in doing anything to impress anyone else, I come across as very impressive. Something every guy's got to understand, for your entire audience take this into account, Fellas. Anytime you do anything to impress someone else or worse, to appear impressive, you subtly sub communicate to the other person that in your mind, their opinion of you is more important than your own opinion of yourself and what could be a greater demonstration of low value than assigning to a total stranger that their opinion of you is more important than your opinion of you.
So when I see a beautiful total stranger and I'm attracted to her because she's attractive and the attraction pulls me towards her, I go over to say hi and find out whether I can stand her. If she's awful, if she says, "What do you want, Fatso?" or "What do you want Baldy?" or "What do you want old man," or something much more abrupt, I'll say, "Hey Honey, I don't know who pissed in your Cheerios but, it wasn't me. I just came over to make friends. So, why don't we start this again? We'll rewind. Hey, I'm Johnny. What's your name?" and overwhelmingly, they go, "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I was such a bitch." I say, "No, no, I get it. I understand. These guys come up to you all the time, and all they can think is, 'How do I impress this girl?'"
Now, I'm very clear when I meet a girl. If we're getting along well, I know that in the first five minutes if I'm still interested in hearing what she's got to say, then two things will have happened. One is, she will feel well-attended by me. The more attention you pay to a girl when she's talking about the things she's interested in talking about the better looking you become, the more attractive you become. The longer you keep her comfortably explaining and telling you things about things she's interested in and most of the things she's interested in are around her. So the longer you're interested, the more interesting you become and certainly, the more compelling and attractive.
So if I find myself and I'm very jaded in my old age... if I find myself talking to a girl who five minutes in, I'm still interested in what she's got to l say, I recognize that's inevitable we're going to end up in bed and I'll say as much. I'll say, "You know what? It's wonderful. I feel like we're lifelong buddies meeting for the first time," and if the girl responds positively as, "Yeah, I feel that way. It's really great. We have great communication and I feel really comfortable. I can't believe I just told you about the escorting work I was doing. I've never told anyone about that," or whatever else because, I'm so candid and I'm so accepting and people can sense immediately that I'm going to offer them non-judgmental acceptance. Non-judgmental acceptance, what an amazing thing and so, they'll tell me their deepest, darkest secrets knowing that I'll accept it and we very quickly become close friends.
There is a wonderful comment I am famous for. I tell my close friends this when it becomes clear that we will eventually land up in bed and sometimes, I'll tell a girl 15 minutes into our talking, "That it's so wonderful that it is now inevitable we'll wind up in bed because, I don't need to and you don't need to do anything to try and impress me. We don't need to do anything to try and prove to the other anything because, I'm just going to treat it that on a long enough timeline since it's inevitable we'll end up in bed, I'm going to treat it like it's already happened. This way we can both feel confident that nothing will change in our relationship when we finally do go to bed." The girls absolutely love this.
It is so powerful for them, the idea that they can have someone in their world whom they can enjoy and trust, someone who will be a straight-talker, who will not do anything to try and do anything with them but, will just give them an audience, respond appropriately with interest and communicate with them fairly and joke with them without expecting them to be princesses living in ivory tower. The girls are so happy; they lower the gateway. They lower the drawbridge. They accept me and they disarm themselves because, I'm disarming by being so forthright and they welcome me in their world.
I am very famous for one line. I said to women, "You know I would never fuck you over but, I would gladly fuck you over and over," and girls absolutely love it but, it has to be sincere. It can't be something you say to someone in 10 minutes into the conversation. It has to be something you say to someone who actually knows and believes you would never fuck them over. So I say this to my long-terms, my own-going buddies and we end up in bed from time to time or we end up in bed a lot and that's great but, it always absolutely understood that we are friends having fun with one another.
[Angel Donovan]: Right so, you're saying that the problem is preempted. You've never had this situation come up or maybe in your earlier years?
[Johnny Soporno]: Explain which situation you're talking about.
[Angel Donovan]: The situation of where you're with a girl and you feel like she's expecting more than just being friends, right and so, you have to basically set some boundaries because, you want to go and see the other girls or maybe you don't want to see her anymore.
[Johnny Soporno]: One of the simplest things in the world to maintaining a happy, well-lived, satisfying and successful life is managing expectations. You have to make certain that other people do not set expectations for you that are different than the ones that you're prepared to commit to. So, you let them know straightforwardly. You say, "Listen, this is the kind of person I am. This is the person." In fact, I say to girls all the time, "Look, I'm not the marrying kind. In fact, I'm not even the boyfriend kind. To be truthful, I'm not even the dating kind."
Here's something I'm going to give you you're going to love. I call it the "30-Minute Date Agenda." It is a wonderful and empowering thing for men and women alike. This is wonderful. You've met a girl on line or you ran into a girl, you met her. You exchanged numbers. You say, "Listen, I really want to get to know you. I really want to find out whether we have chemistry and connection. Let's get together for a date but, I have to caution you, I never kiss on the first date," and the girls find this very cute.
Then I say, "By the way, dates are never longer than 30 minutes." The girl goes, "Huh?" I say, "Well look, we're going to know in the first few minutes whether we have a connection. We're going to know for sure by the end of 30 minutes whether we have chemistry. If we don't, what could be worse than having the other person trying to hump your thigh like a fervent, intumescence Corgi trying to get their way when you know you aren't interested. So instead, if things aren't going the way we'd like them to be going, we can gracefully and graciously end the date, wind it down at 30 minutes and go on our own way and not have destroyed the evening and not have to put with a thing we didn't enjoy."
"Now on the other side of the coin, if there is the chemistry I expect and if we are feeling towards one another the ways that I expect it will, we're going to know that much sooner than 30 minutes too. So, we can always cut the first date short and go directly into the second date when the serious kissing can begin."
Now, girls are clever. They recognize what this means. I take it one step further. I say, "Look you know, I'm not one of those fast moving guys. I almost never go to bed with a girl until the third or even fourth date." Now, girls can do math in their head and they recognize the dates are 30 minutes long. "You're saying we can be fucking within 2 hours?" "And still tell your buddies that we held out until the fourth date," and girls love this because, it's so empowering.
So, I could go out and I meet with a girl and we are making out seriously by 15 minutes in and leaving the venue to go back to hers or my place and by the time we've gotten to where ever it is, we're on the third date. So, it is a wonderful and powerful thing. I am so clear. Guys say, "Do you ever buy girls drinks?" I say, "If a girl seems sober when I meet her, then I'll certainly be glad to buy her a drink. I'd also buy a drink for any of my buddies or any guy that I enjoyed. If I can afford to buy her drink. I'll buy her a drink."
If we're having a good conversation and a time comes that she might want a second drink, bartender comes by and says, "You want a refill on that or whatever?" I say, "Listen, just before you take this, I'm very happy to provide you with this drink but, I want to know that accepting a second drink implies consent," and the girls go, "What?"
I'll say, "No, no, no. It's not what you think. We're having a great time and if things go the way that we both hope they will, we're going to end up together but, I know that after you have a second drink, you can no longer be said to be able to make consent decisions. So, I just want to know now that before we go any further that if you're having more drinks and enjoying yourself and things end up with our wanting to go to bed together that that was your intention. This is not a commitment. If you don't choose to come with me, that's totally fine. I just want to know now while you're sober that this is your intent." The girls think, "Oh, that's so cool."
[Angel Donovan]: Do they not laugh?
[Johnny Soporno]: Of course they laugh but, they think it's the coolest thing they've ever heard and I say to the bartender or whoever, "Please bring her Singapore Sling but, please have the vodka in a side car." So, the drink will get brought and the girl will look at the booze, look at me, look the drink it's going to be poured into and with full comprehension, pour the booze into her drink and start drinking it.
Now, here's an interesting thing, when a girl has decided she's having a good time with you that you are not going to condemn her for going to bed with you, that she's not going to feel regret for having ended up in bed with you. She would much rather be fucking than drinking. So usually, they take a sip of the drink and say, "Let's get out of here." In other words, I do not remember having to buy a third drink for anybody because, as soon as a girl recognizes, "I'm going to get laid," she doesn't want to waste time. She wants to do it. I imagine, you've discovered this on your own?
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, I can see some similarities between your approach and mine. On one of them, like I'm really interested in is... you said, you bring up the subject where you're friends with girls and you're not necessarily going to get into a relationship, right? So, you're not setting that false expectation. Is there anything you say in this process up to now or maybe afterwards to just let them know, "We're going to be great friends but, if your expectations are higher than that in terms of getting into a relationship or something, then it doesn't quite fit with my life style," or you know, whatever your situation is?
[Johnny Soporno]: I was actually just about to show you on my telephone, which I can't because I'm using it for this Skype call. The background on my phone, which is of me and Violet which is an unmissably intimate and very, very nice photo. Every girl I meet knows I'm in a long-term relationship with my best friend and of course, I point out to them that it's good news.
[Angel Donovan]: That's great. That's very subtle actually, right?
[Johnny Soporno]: My take on it is very clear. I want women to understand the score. If I were "single", I would still make sure that girls knew there were other girls. I told you rule one of my two rules. Every girl has to have other male playmates. Rule two is equally important. Rule two is every girl must commit to do her best to get along with my other playmates. This means no cattiness, no competiveness, no rivalry. Just recognize that the same paradigm applies to everyone. So, if they get to be my friend, they've got something going for them. Look for that. Don't worry about having exclusive access to me. Nobody gets it. It is not on the table.
So two rules, I won't be any woman's only simpler caulk and every girl must commit not to compete or give a hard time to any of my other female playmates. This doesn't necessarily mean they have to go to bed with my other female playmates and me but, it usually ends up that way.
Now here's the kicker, here's the thing that's not obvious and it's really cool. Every single time one of my secondaries hooks up with a new guy, the overwhelming likelihood is that new guy will have accepted the paradigm that this girl has other playmates. He will have accepted that he does not need to own her, that he's not paying for her pussy, therefore he doesn't have to worry about other people's enjoying it and so as soon as a guy shows up in her world who is cool enough, she knows she has the obligation to have other playmates. She also knows that all of her friends who are also my playmates have the same obligation. So, she immediately invites them to come to bed with her and new playmate.
So, any guy who's fortunate enough to date any girl that I'm involved with ends up sleeping all of my female friends because, after all any guy who's cool enough to accept women for who they are without judgement, without hostility, without any ego collision causing him to think, "There's something wrong with me because, I'm not her only choice. I'm just the choice she consistently makes"... Ay guy who's not comfortable with that gets flushed out very quickly but, any guy who is comfortable with that gets to live like I do which I have to say is glorious.
[Angel Donovan]: This is great, Johnny. We're running out of time. I think you've got a lot to say. So, maybe we can get you on in a second interview really soon if you'd like that.
[Johnny Soporno]: If the feedback from your audience suggests it, I would gladly do it. I'm having a lot of fun.
[Angel Donovan]: Excellent, excellent. There's one thing... Well, there's a few things. We've got some lighting round questions we call them just before the end and there's also, you brought up something where a bit earlier in the interview which I meant to bring out is where you talked about the guy knowing if he wants to go forward with a girl or not, right?
[Johnny Soporno]: Mmm-hmm.
[Angel Donovan]: And spoke... he's just going to know if he should go forward with this girl based on how she's interacting with him and so on. Does that mean that he has to do some pre-work on his standards? Is that something or what he feels is acceptable because, what I find when I'm talking to a lot of guys is they don't have a very, very clear image of what they actually want from women or what they want in relationships. So, I'm wondering if this is the type of thing you find yourself doing work with.
[Johnny Soporno]: I tell guys, "Don't worry about what you want. If you choose what you want, you're setting yourself up to be disappointed. Instead, consider what you'd like. Don't go out looking for what you want because, what you want is very outcome-dependent. Go out for what you'd like."
What you'd like would be a girl who you enjoy, a girl you're aroused by, a girl who appreciates you. These are simply things and can be found in a huge world of people. If the girl attracts you enough that you want to put your penis in her and she would like you to put your penis in her, it's a win. If there's something wrong with her and you would not want to spend time with her except she's really hot and you'd like to put your penis in her, find someone better.
At the end of the day, no one in world can say, "That girl's a three and that girl's a two." Okay? It's really about whether or not you would go to bed with them or not. The original scale should be zero: I wouldn't fuck them, one: I could fuck them, two: I'd like to fuck them and three: they wouldn't fuck me.
Now when realize there's no such thing as a category of women who wouldn't fuck you, just individuals who wouldn't fuck you, then you throw away category three entirely and now, it's just, "I wouldn't, I could and I'd like to." Usually by this point, you've realized that there's no point in going to bed with someone you could because, you could be going to bed with someone you'd like to. So it ultimately becomes, "I'd like to and I wouldn't," a binary scale. A girl can switch from being an, "Absolutely I wouldn't," to "Certainly I would" in very, very few small steps but, a girl can switch from being an "Absolutely I would," to "I certainly wouldn't" with one sentence out of her mouth. Okay?
So as soon as you have enough respect for yourself that you're only going to do things that work for you, that you're only going to have sex with people where you'd like to and if for whatever reason she switches from being a one to a zero... you go, "Oh well, I guess I'll go and find somebody else I'd like." Stop setting yourself up with particulars of what you need. Stop worrying about what other people think about your playmates because, at the end of the day, it's your penis that must become erect. If you are turned on by her, enjoy.
It's a funny thing for a man, we require an almost mystical combination of things in order to find a woman arousing enough to want to have sex with her. She must simultaneously be attractive enough looking and appear willing. Attractive enough looking and appear willing. That's pretty much enough to get any guy good to go as a general rule of thumb.
So as soon as you realize that there will be plenty of women who are attractive enough looking and if you're a quality man, many of them will very, very quickly become willing. So, why in the world would you waste your energy on someone who didn't come across that way?
[Angel Donovan]: So as you were saying now, I was thinking of like a different way to express it in that just, if they're in front of the woman and they feel like they're attracted to her. So, just paying more attention to themselves rather than... I think you're saying like, "Get away from the ego where they're thinking about other things." They're really not just focus on themselves. So you know, if I feel attract to her good but also, you're second question is, "Am I enjoying her company?" or "Is she annoying to me?"
[Johnny Soporno]: Right, you start out with the simplest thing in the world. You walk up to the girl not to impress, not because you need the validation that she'll give you by being into you or whatever. You go up to find out whether or not she's someone you could enjoy. Turns out, if she's someone you could enjoy, the odds are very good you'll end up in bed together because, she's looking for someone she can enjoy too and the hardest thing in the world for a girl to find is a guy who treats her like a person.
What do you think is the question least heard by beautiful women? That's not a question. I'm stating. The sentence, "What do you think?" is the question least often heard by beautiful women. If guys actually asked girls what they thought, not in the sense of an opinion opener but, literally ask girls, "What do you think about this?" and let the girls run on telling them what they think. The guys would quickly find out two things. One, girls love it when someone's actually interested in what they've got to say and secondly, they'll find out whether or not they like the girl.
Doesn't matter how hot she is. If she spends her time working on KKK rallies, odds are pretty good you aren't going to want to go to bed with her. So when you recognize that every single girl that you're friends with, every single girl who thinks of you as a friend, if you have at no point bent to the point where she realizes you'll do anything for her and therefore, you no longer have the potential to run herd on her. One thing women cannot stand is a man who will bend. You must be rigid in your boundaries. As soon as she knows you are, she'll respect you and a woman can only be aroused by a man she respects.
So if a girl asks you for something, absolutely out of the question. "Oh listen, I was thinking we should go to my company Christmas party. It's a fancy dress, a costume party. I was thinking we would go as ballerinas. I've got your tutu picked out and everything." If it's something that would make you uncomfortable, you say, "Look Honey, that is something I wouldn't be comfortable with," and if she says, "Oh come on. It'll be fun. You'll have such a good time," the more she tries to manipulate to get a yes, the more you must be adamant in your response but, you can say something much more important.
You can say, "Look Babe, if it matters that much to you, if you'll ask me to this for you as a favor, I'm down. I will overcome my hesitation, just ask. All you have to do is ask." So, what you're asking for from her is a contract of appreciation. You're saying, "I will compromise for you because, it's you but, you must appreciate that this is what I'm doing. You can't just push me into it. I'm not just allowing you to herd me into something I don't want," and the girl will go, "Oh no, it's not that important to me."
If it is important enough, she'll ask and she'll appreciate that you've made this exception for her and it's for her and she'll love you for it. But if you just let her push you around, you stop being sexy boyfriend material and you start becoming hubby material. In other words, you start setting yourself to be the sponsor who provides her security without impinging on her freedom. Every man grows up knowing that he either can pursue freedom, which has no safety net or security.
Security is doing what you're supposed to, getting the approval of other people. We crave approval the way women crave security. So, every boy grows up knowing it's a choice, either freedom or security. While every girl understands from childhood that security is the most important thing in the world and she's raised to think that security come in the form of a sponsor, someone to underwrite her security. So, every girl stupidly thinks, "First I nail down my security and then, I'll go looking for my freedom," instead of recognizing the truth which is there's no such thing as security. There's only what you can do to keep yourself strong and alive and when you know that it comes entirely from yourself, you become free, same for men.
[Angel Donovan]: That's a great quote, that last sentence.
[Johnny Soporno]: Thank you, in fact I'm very proud of it. If you were to look at my Facebook page for Johnny Soporno, it says... there's a picture of me standing in front of a large crowd explaining that a boy doesn't become a man until he overcomes his fear of disapproval and a man can not be free until he overcomes that craving for approval in the first place and that a girl doesn't become a woman until she stops feeling the need to lie to her sponsor in order to ensure her security and a woman doesn't become free until she realizes that her security can only come from herself, period.
So as I say, my work is to enlighten men and empower woman because, an empowered woman who knows she's with an enlightened man recognizes that she can choose what she's like, which could in fact be having sex with him right now without his condemning her for it. Think about the number of women who you know believe they must play hard to get because, otherwise they won't be able to catch the man.
[Angel Donovan]: I'm interested in your take on this. I've lived around the world and I see extremes of what you're saying, right? Different places I see. For instance, in Asia there's more playing hard to get going on. It's just in the nature of it over there and you know and then, some other places in America and Latin countries and so on. Sometimes, it could be more straightforward. So, I was just wondering... and I brought this up more so with the trends... just like in terms of where you see things are going, if they're getting more open in your terms of the world or not. So, I'd just be interested from your perspective if you've seen different geographies or different cultures and if you've seen things change over time?
[Johnny Soporno]: It's a wonderful thing. I'm an old man. I'm 46 as I said and I'm actually a fully-qualified dirty old man which means, that I've not only been to bed with women less than half my age, I've actually been to bed with a couple of girls less than half my age at the same time whose combined age and combined weight was less than mine.
Anyways to be more straightforward, I have traveled the globe and brought girls to bed where we did not share any of the same language even. So, there was no point exchanging phone numbers. One of the fascinating things is that you quickly discover that if you were far enough outside of the culture of the area in which you are, girls will recognize that the rules that they need to apply to guys from their community regarding teaching those guys that they are worth paying for don't apply.
So if you are a white man in the far east, for instance, girls will go to bed with you because, you won't count. You simply don't count. When they count their number of partners, they don't include you. You were, "just a friend". Women have a wonderful way of logically equivocating. A girl will think, "Oh no, we didn't have sex. I just gave him a blow job on the way back from the theatre," or ÒOh no, we didn't have sex because, we used a condom. It wasn't real sex because, we used a condom" or they'll say, "Oh no, we didn't have sex because, it was a threesome. It was him and his girlfriend. So, you don't have to count that." So they can keep their number low enough.
So they can admit to a small enough number which is of course insane on the face of it because firstly, no man should care what the number of partners his partner has had except for if it's zero because, then he's got a responsibility to do things a different way but, men were more mature about it, they'd realize, you don't go to a hair stylist who's never cut hair before. You don't get your teeth drilled by a dentist who's never worked on someone's teeth before. The more sex a girl has had for fun, enjoying the sex, the better the sex becomes.
Here's an interesting thing, Violet as a porn star, lots of guys have said, "Oh my god, you hook up with that girl. She gets paid for sex and she has sex with guys with dicks as big as your arm with an apple in the palm. She's got to be totally loose," and it's so funny. When you go to the gym and you watch the guys working out, curling 60-pound weights and you look at their muscles as they're all flabby and loose. Oh wait, no that's not true. Muscles used repetitively under load get to be better and stronger. They don't get looser and softer. Somehow guys forget that the vag is a muscle group.
[Angel Donovan]: Thank you for blowing that myth up.
[Johnny Soporno]: I try my best. So, I can tell you. Yes, Violet is by far the most entertaining sex I've ever had. She is muscularly insanely talented. I often joke that she could open a beer bottle vaginally. She wouldn't because it would be uncomfortable for you but, her muscle strength suggests she probably could do a twist off. Anyway, enough about that.
Your question, as I traveled the world, have I discovered that things have changed? Absolutely. Prince and Madonna and the entire hip hop culture have helped women to understand that it's okay to be sex-positive. It's okay to want sex. It's okay to have sex. It's okay to let other people know you're sexual. The world has really changed in the last 15 or 20 years and I personally am delighted by it.
When I was a kid, there wasn't even vagina in Play Boy. The idea of a blowjob was a big deal. Whereas these days, a girl almost certainly has oral sex usually long before she has any other sort. One of the fascinating things I found was when I traveled to different cultures. When I was in Islamabad or Caroche in Pakistan or I mean in the more oppressive societies, the girls are very happy to have sex and they learn to be tremendously orgasmic through anal because, they keep their vag so they can still be virgins technically when they get married. They give wicked blow jobs and are huge on tit fucking and huge on anal because, they enjoy it, since they can't really use their internals vaginally.
Now of course, I know that for some of these women, this is a life style that they can't escape. They know that if they're not a virgin when they get married, they could be beheaded. So, this is true in Spain and Italy and Roman culture because somehow, as this local band, I can't remember what they're called... Garfunkel and Oates, I think, like Hall and Oates, the less well-known one from Simon and Garfunkel... this girl band, they have a song called "The Loophole" in which they talk about anal sex is the sex that god can't see You can't vaginal sex.
Anyways as you say, internationally when you travel, girls still are exactly the same. They want a man who demonstrates the following four or five simple things. Every woman wants a man who clearly loves and respects himself. Equally clearly, adores women, was interested in her as individual, not just attracted to her but interested in her and finally, is comfortable enough and confident enough to lead them both on adventures she would enjoy, ideally without having to ask her what they are. Any girl in the world will say, "Oh yes, that's exactly what I want. A guy who loves and respects himself, adores women, is interested in me as a person and is comfortable enough and confident enough to lead."
Sounds like the simplest combination in the world, right and it describes about 5% of men. Most men don't love themselves and don't respect themselves. Many of those men therefore have no love or appreciation of women. They have no ability to find women interesting because, they don't even see them as people and they can not and will not lead because, they have no confidence in where they should be going. It's a solvable problem but, it begins with people recognizing they have to get to a place where when they were to meet someone like themselves, if they met themselves the question, "Would you like to be that person's friend?" must be, "Fuck yeah!" So, a person has to make peace with or correct any aspect of themselves that stops them from a being a person who if they met, they would go, "Fuck yeah, I want that guy as my friend."
So, giving yourself the same slack you give to your real friends. If you have any characteristics that would be deal breakers. If you think about yourself and you're, "Yeah but, I bullshit a lot," that would be a deal breaker. Well, stop fucking bullshitting! Jesus, don't expect other people to be your friend if you wouldn't be your own friend. Like I said, loyalty begins with oneÕs self.
So if you tend to become an alpha pretender as soon as women are around, you start putting down your buddies and you wouldn't accept that from a friend of your own, stop doing it! When you think about things that you do, that you do allow your other friends to do... the ones you cut slack to your actual friends for, you can cut slack to yourself too and if you can fix them in yourself, you should look at your friends and help them to fix them in themselves. But the truth is, until you are someone you would want as a friend, you will always look as a woman as something unattainable and something you need to have to complete yourself and Guys, I promise you.
Any man who feels incomplete without a woman will never find a woman because, a woman needs a man to be complete before she wants to attach herself to him. Angel, does that sound right? A woman wants a man who is complete to attach herself to.
[Angel Donovan]: Absolutely, let's wrap it up on this note. I know, I know you've got a lot of great stuff there because, I've gone through your work and there's a lot more to it. So, where would be the best place for people to connect with you and learn more about some of the stuff you do?
[Johnny Soporno]: http://www.MartialArts.com is just getting built up. I expect it will ultimately be a portal to a whole bunch of the affiliated life coaching and relationship management stuff but, http://www.MartialArts.com will take people to me and they find stuff from there. Of course, they can go to http://www.JohnnySoporno.com or if you Google Johnny Soporno, you'll get about 500,000 hits, most of them are me which I'm pretty proud of.
But, the best place to look for me is http://www.Successfulness.com. Interestingly enough, I have the international trademark to North America. I'm now working on Europe for the word "successfulness" because, it turns out, it's not technically a word. So, I have defined it and I offer workshops and coaching programs both direct in person and on line and http://www.Successfulness.com will take you all sorts of my stuff including about 10 hours of my free lecture and seminar videos and ways to find me on Facebook and other social media. Anyone who's looking to find me on Facebook, just look for Johnny Soporno. I have a whole bunch of accounts because they limit you to 5000 contacts per. So, I've got five or six accounts.
I love my work. I'm very passionate about it as you've seen because, I'm about the happiest guy I've ever met and I do my best to make that happiness infectious because, there isn't any reason that anyone else should not be happy basically all of the time. There is no reason anyone needs to feel like a loser because, feeling like a loser is what makes a person a loser. It's the other way around. A person is as great as they can see themselves to be, where they fix their problems, come up a desired goal, set their expectations and manage them so they never feel disappointed in themselves and they never have to live with other people's feeling disappointed in them and then, happiness, an ongoing self satisfaction is a no-brainer.
So please, if you have the time, go and read what I call "The Keys to Successfulness" which is on my http://www.Successfulness.com page. It will make things clear.
[Angel Donovan]: Great, great. Thank you so much for that. There's lots of resources there for the guys to pull up your stuff. Who besides yourself would you recommend for high quality advice in dating, sex, relationships, the whole area?
[Johnny Soporno]: I have a bunch of really terrific colleagues and peers, people that I refer people to all the time. Zane Pieria is absolutely brilliant.
[Angel Donovan]: I notice some similarities.
[Johnny Soporno]: We're great friends. He is my brother from another mother as they say. My very dear friend Jamie Smart who wrote the book "Clarity" and teaches what I refer to as "The Three Principles" which are absolutely invaluable asset to anyone who's interested. Check out his book "Clarity" or go to http://www.Clarity.com or look up http://www.JamieSmart.com. He's a very brilliant fellow a great man.
I also have nothing but positive things to say about my friend Hybnoticia Eric. His work is brilliant. For guys who are looking actually to have feet on the ground, pick up girls, be comfortable enough and confident enough to go and start a conversation with them, I absolutely would recommend both my friends Sasha Daygame and Adam Lyons, also known as AFC Adam. I get these fellas to come into Las Vegas each January for my very famous, now in its ninth year, week-long, lifestyle reboot workshop which is...
Actually, when we get off this call, I'd love to have you come and participate. I'd be delighted if you wanted to be a speaker. I'm happy to pay your flights and accommodations and have you attend it.
[Angel Donovan]: That's very nice of you.
[Johnny Soporno]: Because, you will... it'll blow your mind and you'll have a great time with it and I believe you've got some fantastic insights to share. We do this every January, usually right around the adult video convention because, well it's when Vegas is the most fun and because, I've got to be there for my consultancy practice in that industry regardless. I would think that if you're looking for...
[Angel Donovan]: That's already a great list, yeah.
[Johnny Soporno]: Yeah, there's some... all the people I consider fantastic. Guys like Rand Smith and his lifestyle coaching is absolutely top rate. The guys I deal with, my friends are my friends because, they're quality guys, who know and accept themselves and don't feel they have anything left to prove and that is the most impressive characteristic a person can display. Accepting yourself and recognizing, you don't have anything left to prove. Boy, is that inspiring to other people.
[Angel Donovan]: That one thing can make a big difference. So, and you if get a chance to kind of summarize or maybe you'll pull something else out but, the last question is what are your top three recommendations for guys starting out in this whole area? They kind of feel they're a zero and they want to improve this whole area as fast as possible. What would be your top three takeaways?
[Johnny Soporno]: Most important things... first, the only relationships that have a potential to last are the relationships that require no work. Your relationship with your best friend requires no work. A relationship with a woman where it requires no work is the ideal relationship. That's one where she accepts you for who you are because, you're clearer and present and obvious and she can trust you because, you've given her nothing but the truth as you see it. Let me tell you Fellas, Boy will she respect and admire you for that.
The second thing is never lie to women. I don't care what the urge but, never tell them anything that is demonstrably untrue. You can massage things, make them more polite, more tactful but, make sure you're not misunderstood because Guys, when you get off in some girl's mouth, you're going pass out and you don't want to be helpless and defenseless when she has any reason to be angry with you. On a serious note, the real reason for it is because it just makes your life hell. Having to try and pretend to be the way that you've pretended to be all along when it wasn't really you is a nightmare. Be yourself as you are. Become a person that you want to have as a friend and other people will want to have you as a friend too.
I guess the third major takeaway... if you want to learn the simplest aspects of pickup techniques, the idea of being able to confidently walk up to a girl and start a conversation with her without accepting all of the baggage of your ego saying, "Oh no, no, if... She wants someone better than you, someone smarter, someone taller." If you want to get to confront with that place, do checkout the work of Sasha Daygame or AFC Adam, Adam Lyons. These guys both have excellent stuff to give a person an immediate ability to go forward confidently and give it a try.
What you'll learn very, very quickly is that a girl's not being into you isn't a big deal. There are 3 and 1/2 billion of them. You don't have time to sleep with all of them. So just worry about sleeping with the ones you enjoy and you want to sleep with. Most guys in the pick up industry are looking for someone to tell them what to do. Myself and my colleagues, we're trying to help people learn how to be. I don't teach anyone what to do.
I tell people constantly, "You can follow me around for a month, modeling me, listening to and watching every expression, listening to every single word you hear me say and mimic it and you would not get the same results that I get because, my work is not about teaching routines. It's about teaching a person to become comfortable enough with themselves that other people will accept whatever they have to say so long as they mean it." I do end up saying an awful lot of the same things but, I don't consider emancipating women by helping them recognize that the whole slut versus whores paradigm is utterly self-destructive and completely dehumanizing to everyone.
So, I'll step through that with women and there are three kinds of responses from girls. The first kind is, "Oh my god! You're absolutely right. I've been wasting my life but, where in the world am I going to find a guy who understands this?" and then, she recognizes that she's looking at guy who understands this which is actually a very good thing.
The second kind is a girl who says, "Yes, I'm so glad you get this. This is so true. Why don't other guys get this?" and the answer is, "I'm working on it" and that is also true. They recognize I'm on their side and they can do with me anything they choose without having to feel judged, without having to feel any negative aspect.
The third kind is a girl whose rejects and says, "No, no, no, that's crazy talk. That can't be true," and I say, "No worries. If you can't accept what I'm saying now, I understand but, if you ever see me again and you'd like to discuss it, please come on over." Overwhelmingly, those ones, once their ego is settled down and they're unconscious subconscious steps through the things I've explained to them, they start to recognize it's true and they come looking for me. They come and say, "Hey, we were talking a few weeks ago or a couple of days ago, you had this to say about this." I say, "Oh great," and we start talking and they're entirely now in a new camp. They look at me as their liberator.
They recognize I have emancipated from a life time of being hard on themselves and beating themselves up for wanting to do the things that they wanted to do or worse, for actually doing the things they wanted to do and then, pretending they didn't. Pretending they were good girls because that was the right thing to do. Fellas, take my advice. If you empower women to do what they want, if recognize from you they will receive non-judgmental acceptance, women will be as naughty as they feel they can get away with and it will blow your mind how naughty they want to be.
[Angel Donovan]: That's a great note to finish on. Thank you so much for your time today, Johnny.
[Johnny Soporno]: Absolutely, a pleasure. Thank you for having me and I look forward to doing this further if it turns out people want to hear more from me.
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DSR Podcast is a weekly podcast where Angel Donovan seeks out and interviews the best experts he can find from bestselling authors, to the most experienced people with extreme dating lifestyles. The interviews were created by Angel Donovan to help you improve yourself as men - by mastering dating, sex and relationships skills and get the dating life you aspire to.
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