#114 Practical Steps to Win-Win Relationships with Women (No Matter What You Want) with Geoffrey Miller

#114 Practical Steps to Win-Win Relationships with Women (No Matter What You Want) with Geoffrey Miller

#114 Practical Steps to Win-Win Relationships with Women (No Matter What You Want) with Geoffrey Miller

More About Today's Guest

Geoffrey Miller Bio
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Today's topic is important, especially given to context of today's world. Satisfaction in relationships only comes from win-win relationships, where both sides win, the girl and ourselves are winning. However, there is really a lot of advice out there today that is very much focused on man-win / women-lose.

You may have noticed also that just in the last few years is actually the opposite is happening. There's a lot of advice coming out for women - win - and men lose, which is a sad state of affairs really; because it's not going to improve anyone's satisfaction over the long time. Maybe some short term, but really long term it doesn't work out. Take it from someone who had to kind of go down this journey and learn for himself about seven years ago. So, some of it is effective in the short term for sure, but it's more in the long term that it doesn't work.

The way I like to think about learning about things, and improving my life - and I think everyone should take this perspective - is improving your life is like building an asset. It's a bit like accounting - you can see my management consulting background here - but it works for me. There's two kinds of expenses in companies, broad stroke. There's an investment in an asset. An, asset is a capability, something you are going to have for the future. Or there are expenses. You can spend money on things which will disappear. So they're like consumables. It's like eating food. It's like smoking. It's like drinking alcoholic drinks, right - gone. You're never going to see that money again. You put it in training. You put it in learning, or perhaps you invest it in a house, right. You invest your efforts in something, which builds an asset, which is going to last. This is exactly the type of perspective, which helps you in your dating, sex, and relationships. If you're taking an expense kind of view (e.g. I'm just going like have a short term one-night stand here) then it becomes a bit of a treadmill over time if that's all you’re doing.

However, if you start also taking this attitude of building assets in your life, building relationships in your life, those things feed back over time, and they make your life better. They make you better. They give you more satisfaction. So, this is a very important concept. It's basically about return in effort into your life, and I encourage you to think a little bit about that.

The other thing, and this is more of something that's changing in our world at the moment, is that privacy is disappearing. This is actually Geoffrey Miller, today's guest, who brought this to my mind more kind of a abruptly with some of his examples. We can't be lost in the crowd. Back when I started this 15 years ago, I was in London and some other big cities, and I never thought anyone would recognize me so theoretically I could have done anything, and I didn’t really have to worry about it. I mean, I could do something that was not socially embarrassing and it wouldn't be a big deal for me. I think this world is changing a lot because we have Instagram. We have Twitter, right. We've seen actually some like implosions lately on Twitter, and Facebook, and so on, and I think that's only going to get worse because we don't have privacy anymore. Pretty much anything can be put online: photos, rhetoric, stories, and so on. Unfortunately, people are getting outed and bullied online increasingly. I mean, that's not great, but we have to admit that there is this trend going on and our privacy is disappearing. Hopefully, it will lead some of us to be more authentic, be more transparent, and be more of who we are over time so that whatever does get reflected out there doesn't necessarily become damaging. If we're good people inside and we're doing the things that we believe are right, then hopefully none of this will affect us. So privacy is disappearing in the world and who you are, or what you do in the world, is often going to get thrown around a bit more. You can't assume that no one is ever going to find out.

So today we are going to focus on some practical tips to have relationships that you want, but make them win-win, rather than win or lose in either direction, and this is of course is in your interests.

Today's guest is Geoffrey Miller. This is the second time we've had him on the podcast. Of course, he's a great academic with a great background, very well known. Listen to the first interview. You probably want to do that before you check this one out, if you haven't already. It's episode 67 and that was on The State of Evolutionary Psychology. So we talk a lot about his background, where he came from, and also his book. I took out a lot of key themes. There are a lot of things I really enjoyed about The Mating Mind, and we had a great discussion on that.

So he has a new book out in the last six months, and this is called: Mate: Become the Man Women Want. He also has a two-year podcast show which was basically pre-work he did before bringing that book out. He did this podcast with Tucker Max, his co-author and also for the book. You may know Tucker Max from "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell". A bit of a womanizer in his fame originally. However, basically Tucker Max has twisted around, flipped, and he wanted to work with Geoffrey Miller on bringing a new more positive perspective on dating, sex, and relationships. Both of them did. They felt this was something important to do right now.

So I read this book before I did this interview and it was a great read, with some new perspectives and ideas I hadn't come across before. And I have to say, that doesn't happen that often these days. Normally, I've seen some signs of it, but there were some great ideas, and privacy was one of those. So we'll talk about a bit more of that in this interview.

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Specifically, in this episode you'll learn about:

  • The primary goal for writing "Mate: Become the Man Women Want" (09:12)
  • Being honest with women, yourself, and others (10:26)
  • Navigating difficult situations regarding honesty (e.g. multiple relationships) (15:05)
  • What guys should not do when courting a woman and keeping it honest (16:30)
  • Honesty with yourself: the traits you have to offer to women, your sexual goals, priorities, ethics, and mating strategies (19:30)
  • Practical approaches to figuring out what you want (22:55)
  • The appropriate types of mating goals to have (26:10)
  • Finding the types of women according to your preferences and goals: a focus on relocating if necessary (27:49)
  • Geoffrey's perspective on how bars and clubs are a disadvantage for some guys, and some other options (36:36)
  • Make your mating life an extension of your social life, and your social life an extension of your passions and interests (39:26)
  • Approaches to deciding what is right for you and doing the right thing: being ethical and honest (41:10)
  • Top three recommendations to help men get results as fast as possible in dating, sex, and relationships (47:10)
Give some love to Geoffrey on Twitter to thank him for the advice in this interview.
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Items Mentioned in this Episode include:

  • The Mating Grounds: Created by Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller, their website and podcast is a resource dedicated to teaching men everything they need to know about sex, dating, and women.
  • Mate: Become the Man Women Want: This book by Geoffrey Miller and Tucker Max helps men find their mate through an understanding of what women really want from them, and how men can deliver those qualities while exhibiting the best version of themselves.
  • Radical Honesty (Brad Blanton): Geoffrey mention this book while discussing how to navigate difficult situation with honesty, and how radical honesty may be too much for some women.
  • Date-onomics (Jon Birger): Geoffrey recommends this book regarding the sex ratio in dating, particularly for those in college. It also addresses mating markets and the importance of selecting where to find mates.
  • Why Women Have Sex (Cindy Meston, David M. Buss): Geoffrey recommends this book to help men understand what women are looking for in them, and the reasons for women to have, particularly, short-term sex.

Books, Courses and Training from Geoffrey Miller

Full Text Transcript of the Interview

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