#108 Understanding Female Sex Signals and the Biggest Mistakes Men Make with Women with Leil Lowndes
In my experience, it defines how we look at the world. It defines what we see. It's an important part of solving this part of your life, an important part to making this better for you. It's also one of the harder parts because we can't see what we can't see. It's very well acknowledged. It's harder to understand and get better at something that we are unconsciously incompetent at.
With dating, sex, and relationships, this tends to be a big part of the puzzle. It includes things like not understanding or not seeing signals from women. So not noticing the signals we're getting from them that tell us that she's interested or that she's not interested. For example, it covers things that us men avoid subconsciously about ourselves. I often see this. For example, subconsciously you can be ignoring aspects of your life that are having a really big impact and you kind of don't want to look at them, so you avoid them consciously. We see this a lot.
You know, a key example there is just looking after your health, the way you present yourself, your style. These are often areas that people avoid and they prefer to work on things like what you say and what works when talking with women, and so on. This is unfortunate because often it's a very easy quick win to work on things like your physique, your image, your style that will get you along much further, much quicker.
Then we have all of the most common, bad assumptions that men make about women that lead them in the wrong direction - misunderstanding of relationships, misunderstanding the context of what's going on. For instance, when she's not interested in you and she's actually interested in the guy next to you. I often see these kinds of situations too and it's all to do with your subconscious, what it's playing with you.
Today we have a great guest to talk about this. She's specialized, her career in communication skills, and it's a very long career. We have Leil Lowndes. She has 10 top-selling books on connecting with people and lots of practical guides on starting conversations. As I said, she specializes in subconscious interactions that take place in all kinds of interpersonal communications. Some of the books she's written are "How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" (a very famous book you've probably seen or heard of it before), "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You". She's even got a book entitled "Undercover Sex Signals: A Pickup Guide For Guys".
She has done hundreds of seminars over the years, all around the world, including some to more than 10,000 people in a room at a time. That's pretty incredible. That's a big crowd there. So it's a great pleasure to have Leil on the show today.
Specifically, in this episode you'll learn about:
- Leil's unique approach to communication regarding dating, sex, and relationships (05:24)
- Significant past experiences that guided Leil to where she is today (07:47)
- Big mistakes in communication that men make with women (09:30)
- Signals men can look for from women in order to give them more courage to take action romantically (10:33)
- Regarding undercover sex signals, do women know what they're doing all the time? (13:40)
- Drawing attention to yourself through sex signals: body language and touching sensual areas (15:25)
- The subconscious communication things men do, and are unaware of, that hurt their chances in interacting with women (16:13)
- Common assumptions men make about women that are completely wrong (22:18)
- When a woman analyzes a man's appearance (26:06)
- There are less "gold-diggers" in our current society (28:00)
- A main priority for a man to learn and work on over the long term to attract women (29:04)
- The kind of things that lead to building your self worth (30:00)
- Coming off as judgmental in conversations and communication (33:40)
- The parts of a man's life that are more important to work on from a woman's perspective (34:35)
- Ideal things for a man to do on a date (39:27)
- Balancing discomforting tension with a woman in order to generate attraction (41:00)
- Important advice Leil offers to men that is often ignored (42:29)
- The biggest objections Leil has experienced to her dating and relationship advice (43:43)
- How to connect with Leil to learn more about her and her work (45:06)
- Recommendations for advice in dating, sex, and relationships (47:07)
- Top recommendations for guys starting out in dating, sex, and relationships (47:55)
Items Mentioned in this Episode include:
- Undercover Sex Signals: A Pickup Guide For Guys: Angel referenced this book by Leil in addressing the possible attraction / sex signals men can recognize from women.
- How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You: Leil's guide of techniques for people seeking romantic bliss and creating lasting relationships, as well as improving existing relationships.
- Coolcommunicating.com: Leil recommends listeners to sign up to her mailing list for weekly love and relationship tips.
- Leil on facebook
- Dr. Helen Fisher: Leil recommends Dr. Fisher for her studies and work regarding the chemistry of love.
- Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love: Leil also recommends this insightful book by Dr. Fisher.
Books, Courses and Training from Leil Lowndes
Full Text Transcript of the Interview
[Angel Donovan]: Leil, thank you so much for joining the show.
[Leil Lowndes]: It's a pleasure to be here. Thanks so much for inviting me.
[Angel Donovan]: So, you've been around for a long time and you've covered all these great areas of communication and I was wondering what you felt was...that there was in your approach that was different from all of the other writers about relationships and communication when it comes to dating relationships? How is it that you approach this subject differently or what's the most important aspect that you feel is a bit more individual to you?
[Leil Lowndes]: What I think is...well, let me preface it by saying that many people have told me that they think I'm a man in woman's body. Now, I like being in a woman's body. I am a woman all the woman all the way. I think like a man in so many aspects and it sounds almost lesbian but, it's absolutely not because, I've never had a lesbian bone in my body but, I look at women in the same way a man looks at women.
I look at her ass. I look at her breasts and I kind of judge her because, I write about it so much. I judge her value in the meat market, as it's so rudely called some times because, women are absolutely and I don't really have anything against this because, it's nature. In fact, I wrote another book on why it's Mother Nature's plan that a woman should be young and all of things that have to do with attractiveness, the rounded hips because, she can have a better baby and the big breasts because, it means more estrogen.
There's a reason Mother Nature made it so that men are more attracted to attractive women. Mother Nature allows knows that a man in the typical (especially since caveman days) is expected to be the provided. Now happily for us feminists, that's changing to a certain extent but, certain basic things really don't change. So yeah, a woman has to be hot. I don't even know if I'm answering your question.
[Angel Donovan]: It sounds like you're not approaching it from a politically correct point of view. You're just really trying to get it how we naturally are.
[Leil Lowndes]: Yeah, exactly and then, we are a little bit too politically correct but, we have to be and there's a good reason for that too. But anyway, I digress. Yeah, I think that there's a difference in the way I approach it and the way most writers on sexuality and relationships approach, I see it from both standpoints.
[Angel Donovan]: I've personally hit bottom in this area of life before I started learning all about it and I eventually ended up here which is nearly 15 years ago now and I'm always interested to hear from the people we have on this show what their stories are around because, I've seen over time that a lot of people kind of hit bottom or they hit a bad place in their life before they decide they are going to make a change. That often spurs a lot of study, a lot of learning and then, eventually, they often end up as teachers themselves because, they've learned so much. So, I was just wondering if anything like that happened to you on your journey.
[Leil Lowndes]: Yeah, very much so. I was unbearably, painfully, shy as a young girl and mainly shy around guys and boys as we called them then and I couldn't even look a guy in the eye and talk with him because, I was so shy. I think men suffer the same problem with women. The more attractive a woman is, the more insecure he feels and I just felt insecure about all guys so, I got off on that and also just love and sex has always been terribly important to me and that's how I defined success in life as I got older is how much could I attract men and that's it, a fascination with love and with sexuality.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, this is great to hear because, I think that a lot of people listening to this show sometimes they don't feel that great about their lives and they think people like us just get it is easy. We start out great and we end up great. So, it's always good for them to get these kinds of examples which show that we've all come from that place where we weren't so great.
[Leil Lowndes]: And that the more shy and the more upset you are about it, the more you're going to try to get better and better. So, I think you're giving a wonderful service Angel and that you're helping men to think about these things and that's the beginning of growth in that area.
[Angel Donovan]: Thank you so much. So in all of your work, what were some of the biggest mistakes in communication that men make with women that you found?
[Leil Lowndes]: I think that men really don't realize that we women are looking for you as much as you are looking for us and men haven't learned or realized when a woman is indeed attracted to him. He just thinks...he doesn't know the signals to look for and in fact, the studies have shown that 30 out of 31 men can't tell whether a woman is actually attracted to him or not. It's his own insecurity or security that's raging, not what the woman is doing to show her attraction to him.
[Angel Donovan]: So, is this all men or is this certain men or is it's kind of like the average guy? Did you say...so you said, 30 out 31 men? Wow.
[Leil Lowndes]: 30 out of 31 guys in controlled studies. A woman would give off signals of being attracted to him or not being attracted to him and 30 guys were... 30 out of 31 were just totally off the mark on that.
[Angel Donovan]: Right so I mean, I'll just segue into...because, you wrote a book on this in particular and we were just talking about how important that was in terms of the signals then because, I was telling you that this is something I find guys don't have the courage to take action romantically whether it's getting closer to the girl, kissing or suggesting going on dates or doing things.
I find this constantly comes up all the time and what they want is more courage, right? So, you wrote this book which talks about all the signals that they can use. Could you give us some highlights of signals they could look for to give them more courage and be like, "Yeah, she does like. Yes, I can take action and she's not going to shout at me, scream at me. Nothing bad's going to happen"?
[Leil Lowndes]: Sure well actually in the book Uncover Sex Signals, I give 26 signals that women will give off and let me just hit a few of them here and then, there's 26 of them if you want anymore. But, one of the ones that a guy doesn't understand is that if a man looks at a woman and she looks away, many guys think, "Well, geez she's not interested."
No way. It's the "shy geisha" technique I call it and a woman has been just from nature will look away shyly. Now here's the trick, if she looks up again within 45 seconds, it's been proven that she is indeed interested. So, don't...if she looks away, she definitely will look away and then, she'll look up again if she's interested.
One that I don't know whether men really pick up on it but, a woman will play with her jewelry. She'll either tug on her earring or she'll play with her neckless, something and it just...it's again, it starts out as an instinctive thing, a little nervousness but, then it becomes a signal that rather sophisticated women have actually learned how to give off.
A very similar one is kind of twirling her hair around her finger. That's a sign that she's interested in you. Caressing herself...to try to explain all these, it would be as though she were wishing you were caressing her.
But I think it's good for men maybe too if they're sitting in a pub or where ever to take a look at an unattractive guy who obviously would not be a turn on for a woman and then, look at how the women treat him. They're not tugging their jewelry or playing with their ear or caressing their arm when they're talking to him. They're not turned on whereas, if she does it talking to you, she is.
Oh, this is an interesting one, turning her palm toward you. If she puts her hand on her chin and her fist is towards you, it's almost like a "go away" whereas, if her hand is toward you, her open palm, that's like a sort of a "come hither" signal. So watch a woman's palms.
[Angel Donovan]: So, it's kind of an openness of gesture. We think of being more defensive, say having our fists out to protect us...
[Leil Lowndes]: Right.
[Angel Donovan]: ...in body language versus being open, having our hands open.
[Leil Lowndes]: Right.
[Angel Donovan]: So, when I was reading through your book, one of the things I noticed and I felt was kind of correlation between all of these signals is that...well, the first one was (and it was an interesting comment that you made) that women know what they're doing all the time and that men don't realize that all of these subtle, very subtle things, women know exactly what they're doing and they're trying to get attention.
[Leil Lowndes]: Actually, it's interesting that you should bring that up because, especially for younger women who are not as experienced, it all does start happening instinctively. Little girls sitting on her daddy's lap, you know kind of move around and touch your shoulder, sort of play with her hair, just sort of get...it's nervous energy is what it is.
Then, as she gets older and I mean really...let's not say much older like 30 but when she gets into the age when she has been around the block, she has learned that men are indeed turned on by these things such as caressing the back of their neck. That's a very instinctive thing that a very young girl when she sees a girl, not even knowing that she's doing it but, as she gets older, she realizes, "Hey, you know if I kind of caress my neck, he gets turned on."
So yes, with more mature or more sophisticated women, yes they learn how to lure a man with these undercover sex signal but, at first, no not at all. It's all instinctive.
[Angel Donovan]: So the older the woman, the more dangerous? Is that what you're saying?
[Leil Lowndes]: Let's not talk chronologically but, the older in sophistication that a woman has...
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Leil Lowndes]: ...the more she knows how to lure a man.
[Angel Donovan]: Oh, the wiser.
[Leil Lowndes]: And that can come at any age but, she's learned what works and what doesn't work and she'll just...
[Angel Donovan]: Right.
[Leil Lowndes]: ...throw the whole book at him when she wants him.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, right. Yeah so, so when we talk to guys and we coach them, often they think these are accidental. These things accidental and they kind of argue with themselves and they argue themselves out of thinking that these are indicators that she's actually interested. So, it's nice to have a little rule.
So some of the things I noticed about all of these signals is I felt a lot of them were about really drawing attention to yourself. It can be like movement. It can be as you said, like touching the neck which is drawing to sensual areas of the body, for instance.
[Leil Lowndes]: Absolutely and again, it's...the reason a woman touches her neck is maybe she feels...this is a younger, less sophisticated woman, she'll touch her neck because it makes her feel tingly and she's tingly around you or she feels a little nervous or she'll caress her arm to kind of play with the tingle there. But again, as she gets older, she'll do it on purpose and the nice thing is, if a man learns to recognize these, well 26 is this case, 26 signals, then it doesn't matter whether they're on purpose or not. It means she's attracted to him, period.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, a lot of your writing has been about subconscious communication. What common things are men doing that they are not aware of that would be hurting their chances they approach and talk to?
[Leil Lowndes]: This is a tough one because, the bottom...not bottom line but, one of the most important things and it's one of the hardest things to obtain is a woman wants a man who is confident. Again, that goes back to Nature. She wants a man who can take care of her and the family and again, the PC things aside, (I'm talking nature here not today's standards) but, it's just nature.
A woman know that when she's...knows subconsciously when she's pregnant and bogged with the babies who are two or three years old, she's not going to be able to take care of the whole thing. She needs a man who's going to take care of things and a man can't really take care of things well unless he's confident. So, giving off signals of confidence is extremely important.
I one time asked a girlfriend what she like most in a man. She said, "I like confidence. It doesn't matter if he's a turkey. As long as he's a confident turkey," and it's very true and there are so many signals that a man can give off of confidence if he has big confidence.
[Angel Donovan]: So this confidence subject obviously, often comes up a lot and always trying to make it more practical because, I think it gets guys very frustrated when they get told to act more confident or to...like we were saying, in order to not hurt his chances, don't act unconfidently or don't do things that are seen as unconfident.
What kind of examples can you give them so they can visualize this a bit better and stop some of those behaviors? Or if you think it takes a longer term, what things should they do to kind of work towards greater confidence?
[Leil Lowndes]: I know everything what to know...everybody, including myself, we all want a quick fix that we want and don't have and things become a habit. So, if you make a habit of doing a couple of things I'm going to mention, it will become more instinctive.
One is a sign of confidence is having a lower voice. When someone gets nervous a man or a woman, their voice goes up like that and a man doesn't realize usually that a woman is more sensitive to a man's voice than he is to her voice. So, he should try to keep his voice low.
He should try to speak more slowly. The most confident people speak slowly. They don't babble on very fast.
Another thing and I don't know whether men realize it or not but, a man's body language and strong masculine movements are very much a turn on. Some of the masculine movements might be, if you're sitting on a couch next to a lady, lean back and put your arm on the back of the couch. Confident people let their body take up more space than less confident people.
So basically, body language and the voice are the two things and also good strong eye contact. In fact, eye contact is something a man can use to turn a woman on. If he gives her extra strong eye contact, looking right into her eyes, she's going to feel a little nervous.
Now, there's something called cognitive consistency which is if the body feels something, the mind thinks that's what it's thinking. So, if you can make a woman nervous in a way with good strong eye contract, she'll feel that that nervousness is indeed attraction to you. Now if she doesn't like you, she's going to slug your arm and call the police. After you've determined it's one of these signals and she is indeed attracted to, then try the extra strong eye contact.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, those are great points. I noticed that none of them are about what you say because obviously, guys are always worried about...like they want to focus a lot of their attention on what they're saying and not running out of things to say. Nothing you said there had to do with really what you say. It was all about these more subtle aspects.
[Leil Lowndes]: Oh, absolutely. It's the melody and it's the presentation. 85% of what someone says is how they look when they say it, their body language. Another 10% is how they sound and then just a tip of the iceberg is the words they say.
Think about in your own life and your relationships, the first woman or not the first but, any particular woman recently or in the past. You probably remember how she looked when you first saw her. You might even remember how she sounded but chances are, you don't remember anything of her first words and it's so crazy how men...I don't mean to put him down but, I mean it really is incorrect to think about an opening line. The best opening line is this proven to be, "Hi, my name is Angel and yours?"
[Angel Donovan]: Absolutely, I used to be a pick-up artist. So, I'm sure you've heard of these guys.
[Leil Lowndes]: Sure yeah Neil Strauss. In fact, he gave Uncover Sex Signals an endorsement on the cover.
[Angel Donovan]: Oh excellent.
[Leil Lowndes]: Yeah.
[Angel Donovan]: That's a great endorsement, yeah. I could understand. It's a great book. I really enjoyed it.
[Leil Lowndes]: You said, "It's the real deal. A classic guide in the seduction community." Neil Strauss author of The Game. So, he's just really a sweet guy.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, yeah, very cool. For a year once as an experiment because, I'd learned some lines and stuff that I was using back in the early days. I decided I didn't want to do that anymore. So, I just said whenever I met a girl, I'd say, "Yo." You know, that was all I would say.
[Leil Lowndes]: Well, that's not bad actually.
[Angel Donovan]: And I have say, I think all my results got even better and it was so much more fun because, you never knew what she was going say.
[Leil Lowndes]: Well, how nice.
[Angel Donovan]: And it would always be different.
[Leil Lowndes]: Absolutely! No, "Yo" is just fine depending on whether it's a young society or old more sophisticated one. "Yo" is just absolutely perfect or holler, "Hey, Hi!" A nice thing is to say, "My name is..." and give your name and then don't say, "What's yours?" That's kind of invasive.
Say, "My name is Angel and yours?" and you sort of say, "and yours?" and then, it's much easier to fill in the sentence, "And my name is Leil." You know, that type of thing.
[Angel Donovan]: That's great. Yeah, that's a great tip. I know you've written a lot about that kind of stuff too for business and relationships. Another area is some of the common assumptions men make about women that are, you'd say are completely wrong. Very common assumptions they make which often are holding them back because, they're not seeing things the right way.
[Leil Lowndes]: A lot of men, the more attractive a woman, the haughtier they think she's going to be and the more particular and not as turned on by them. Now, there's an element of truth in that the...well, a very much truth with the more attractive women will go for the more attractive man but, one thing men I don't think realize is that a woman is more attracted to your character than your looks and also looks are more important to a woman (now, this an interesting one) than they are to a man.
There's a study. If you line 100 women against a wall say and you ask men which ones that they'll be attracted to, most men will be attracted to maybe 60% of the ones that of the right age range. A woman will only be attracted to maybe 4 of 100 men. Women are much more particular if she's looking for character, if she's looking for humor in man, the laughs are important.
Every woman likes a man who's caring. The old thing putting out your arm when you cross the street for heaven's sake, helping her on with her coat, all of these little things she'll project protective moves and women don't judge a man by the same standards a man judges a woman. He thinks, "Oh well, I'll be sexy and she'll like me." Uh huh.
Women do not like men who look sexy and who wear you know to show their bulging muscles. She'd prefer bulging character to bulging muscles any day and men don't realize that. They use the same standards for judging the opposite sex.
[Angel Donovan]: That's a great point and of course, a lot of guy spend a lot of time in the gym working on those muscles.
[Leil Lowndes]: Well, that helps. No, that helps. That definitely helps.
[Angel Donovan]: So, so the more I like to think about it, it's more about eliminating negative looks. There are things like if you're not well-groomed. If there's things that stand out about you, that you are slightly overweight. It's more about eliminating those negatives.
You can look pretty good as a guy in terms of being (how would you say) possible to a woman because, it seems like what you said just there was basically, if a woman's just judging guys and all she has to do is judge them on looks, then she's really picky. When it just comes to looks because, she's got no other, you know nothing else to work but, when give her more of the character and the other aspects, those bits end up playing a lot more.
[Leil Lowndes]: Right.
[Angel Donovan]: It's kind of a hard to compete just on looks.
[Leil Lowndes]: Very much so and of course, they do like the bulging muscles and the good looking guys but, it's not the most crucial and as far as we mentioned before first impressions and such, women think that men care so much about how they dress. Well, not really. They're not going to judge the quality of the fabric or whether the colors are coordinated. Women do and it all goes back to that whole idea of wanting a man who can take care of them, can take care of the family and who has a good sense of balance.
So, if you're going to wear black socks, don't wear brown shoes type thing. Don't wear a brown belt with black shoes. These are things that a woman isn't going to say, "Oh, he's got a black belt and brown shoes" but, it's absolutely the sense of the whole that comes across.
So, look like you know how to take care of yourself and if you have a sister or a mother or a...not an ex-girlfriend but, a sister or a mother who can advise on what to wear. Do that and quality. They pay more for one shirt rather than three cheap shirts. It makes a big difference.
[Angel Donovan]: That's a great point. Focus on buying a few pieces of clothing that are good rather than a lot of variety and a lot more effort.
[Leil Lowndes]: Forget that, quality over quantity any day with clothes.
[Angel Donovan]: I've always found it interesting because, when I used to walk up (I mean, I still walk and talk to girls) and talk to girls, often one of the first things they'll do is kind of like look down. They'll look down and they'll end up at the shoes or the socks and I always found that really interesting especially in my first early day. I was like, "What are they seeing?" and then, they start talking you know, once they've done that.
The way I look at it (let me know if you kind of think the same) is that they're looking for these same details that you just pointed out. Like, do the socks and the shoes fit together? Do they look reasonable because, if a guy's got these details together, then he's probably got a lot of the rest of his of life, the bigger stuff together as well.
[Leil Lowndes]: You've got it, absolutely. That's right Angel, absolutely. You've hit it on the head, right and also, women are not...and I have to really underline this. I'm being politically correct here. I mean this. Women are not gold-diggers these days but, they do like to see quality things on a man and things like a very expensive shoe or really good...I don't know Gucci whatever you call are going to be more pleasing to women even though they're not going to say, "Oh, those are expensive shoes." They're just going to know, "Hey that fits" and clothes fitting is so important.
Most men don't know when they buy a shirt that the shirt seam should be exactly at the shoulders. They're wearing a tie that should be at exactly just above the pants. You know, they just don't know these things so, brush up on clothes.
[Angel Donovan]: Those are some great points of advice. Yeah, very important but, the fit is actually the most important thing about a lot of clothes. You know?
[Leil Lowndes]: Very and women do not like (except maybe some very young women of a certain element) the pants with crotch down to the knees and the top of your underpants showing. That is not a turn on and in certain areas, anybody...
[Angel Donovan]: Well, they have these little sub-communities where that does work.
[Leil Lowndes]: Okay, some places. Backwards baseball caps are not really a turn on to a woman very much either.
[Angel Donovan]: Or except in some sub-communities where...so, yeah. We're talking general rules here. That's good advice but, there are always these out...of course, sub-communities.
Just the point on the gold-diggers, you said there are not very many gold-diggers today. Why did you say that?
[Leil Lowndes]: Because women can make a lot more on their own now and also, women have become enlightened to that fact, look it's more important to have a man who understands us, who loves you, who can take care of a family, who's responsible, who's an all-around good guy and fun to be with than it is to have a sugar daddy.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah great, great. Have you seen some of those sugar daddy sites, by the way or they're sugar baby sites I think they call them.
[Leil Lowndes]: No, I haven't.
[Angel Donovan]: I was introduced to this not so long ago by a girl I had just met and she showed me that basically, you know you can go to some of these sites and you can get some kind of allowance just for talking to guys on web cams and stuff like this.
[Leil Lowndes]: Oh, no kidding?
[Angel Donovan]: Sometimes, there's relationships and so on but, there's a few of these on-line dating sites. The thing that's interesting today is because of the internet and stuff, there are a lot of niche areas but, we're talking general trends here which are the more important for all the people at home.
Often, I think you think the same people. A lot of this stuff, people have to work on for the longer term. It's not like it's going to magically fix itself all the time. So, if you're going to pick one thing that a guy should learn or work on over the long term...he's been like, "I'm going work on this. I'm going to get better at this and it's going to help me to attract women." I'm interested in what would that be, that one thing you should kind of keep in mind and keep working on.
[Leil Lowndes]: It should that women want you as much as you want them and work, first of all on yourself and yourself confidence and realizing that you are a very worthy human being and that you'll absolutely get a wonderful partner if you are confident and you show your good qualities and it's qualities that count with a woman. Absolutely, qualities, honesty, integrity.
[Angel Donovan]: Great, those are good qualities. So, working on my integrity, working on my honesty? I guess that's my ability to communicate directly rather than, you know manipulatively, things like this. Other qualities they should be working towards in order to...you said, "Improving their self-worth," right?
What kind of things lead to someone building their self-worth because, these are obviously things we hear a lot of the time but, just to kind of really make it practical for guys. What kind of things can help to make me feel more worthy?
[Leil Lowndes]: That's a big question, Angel and I think that that's something that we could go on for another whole segment on but, I think that men should look to all of the different experts and sites and books that they can to just become a more real and good person in themselves. Doing all the good things in life that make you proud of yourself and doing nothing too sneaky or manipulative because, women are a lot more instinctively aware of subtleties than men are.
We can pick up much better on what you say between the lines or which direction your eyes are pointing when you're saying something to her. Also, once you do...when you are at the "I love you" state on both ways, to continually tell a woman how much you love her because, it's the old adage is so true. A woman wants to feel cared for and a man wants to feel respected.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, absolutely. That's really key. Thank you for that. I know it's a difficult question to answer.
[Leil Lowndes]: Well, it's just such a big one. I mean, there's just so much you can do to build your self-worth that you can't just put it in a nutshell.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, yeah absolutely. Just have to get started on it and start working on it. You said that, "Do things that you're proud of." I don't actually drink alcohol and I haven't drank a lot of alcohol for a long time but, I remember in my early 20s, I used to drink a lot and the next day, I'd often remember things I wasn't proud and I'm pretty sure that that effected my self-confidence at the time.
I think this is very common with people when they're drinking alcohol and stuff, they do silly things or things that they wouldn't have done if they were a bit more competent mentally at the time. That definitely...that's like an example. That was something that I quit and haven't gone back to and I honestly feel that that had a really big impact on my life in terms of just doing things that I was proud because, I didn't lack the control.
[Leil Lowndes]: Absolutely. I think that if a woman wants a glass of wine, it's nice at dinner for you to order a glass of wine and just maybe don't drink it or whatever because, I know that there are some women who say, "Oh, he doesn't and da, da, da." So, some women do like a man who will have an occasional beer or get a non-alcoholic beer just join the lady in whatever she feels comfortable with.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, it's interesting like when I got out on dates now. Like sometimes, it will make women feel uncomfortable if they're drinking and they'll try to buy me drinks and stuff but, if you're very calm about it, it doesn't become an issue. You just like smile and say, "I'm having a good time," and you start drinking. You're just like...
I think they're most concerned that you're not going to make a good conversation and it's not going to be fun because, most people tend to assume you have to get drunk to loosen up and have fun but, if you can just do that naturally, the quicker you forget about it. In my experience, they're not really concerned about it. They were just concerned that the vibe might be affected. So, if you can bring a good vibe anyway, then they'll be like, "Oh, I don't care."
In fact, I had one girl that walked up to me. She used to hang out with our group and she's like, "I'm so jealous of you. You never drink and you're just like having so much fun." So, I think guys should look at it more like that if they want to quit drinking.
[Leil Lowndes]: Absolutely, I think there's one other aspect that comes into that Angel and that is that a woman (very much just like a man) will feel that she's going to get silly or do something silly and that it won't to you if you're not drinking, it will be more evident. So, she doesn't want to make a fool of herself if you're going to be straight and clear.
[Angel Donovan]: That's a great point. Yeah, absolutely and then, there's ways to make girls feel easier about that stuff, showing that you're not a judgmental person, that you're pretty laid back, things like that. Do you ever talk about that kind of stuff like in conversations and communication coming across as judgmental versus not?
[Leil Lowndes]: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you don't want to say anything that is going to be insulting in any way. In fact, there's a little weekly communications hint that I send out on email to my list and in each week there's a little thing about communication skills and one of the most important overriding things is to make the other person feel valid. Oh by the way, if anybody wants to sign up and get my little love and communications hint, they would go to my website which is www.CoolCommunicating.com and they can just sign up and get this little weekly hint for love or for relationships.
[Angel Donovan]: Very cool. Thank you for that. Okay, some particular quick-fire questions. What parts of a guy's life are more important to work on from a women's perspective because, we think about lifestyle? We've spoken about looks a bit like, their friends, their social life, their job. Guys are often like kind of juggling all of these aspects. Which ones do you feel are the more important ones from a woman's perspective?
[Leil Lowndes]: There are five things that are important if I can just run by these. In fact, there's a little quiz that people can take themselves and on a scale of 1 to 10, you compare yourself with a woman that you'd like to be your partner or woman. The bottom line is you add up your numbers and then, you add up her numbers and the closer those numbers of total score are, the better you are going to able to be happy in the relationship and the more chance you're going to be able to have a relationship with her.
I'll just start with the more crass ones. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much money do you make and how much money does she make? Okay, on a scale of 1 to 10.
On personality, how vivacious or how sociable or how much fun are you on a scale of 1-10? How vivacious, how much fun is she on a scale of 1 to 10.
Then, of course looks. On a scale of 1 to 10, are you a 9, an 8, a 10 and what is she a 9, an 8, a 10, a 5, whatever it is? But, that is your third thing.
Then, here's what made me think of this because, you mentioned this in passing, their job or their prestige. Now, it doesn't have to be a high-paying job where again, that's a different category. We're talking prestige. How much respect do you have by your community? It can be church community, it can be your business community, it can be your social community. How much prestige do you have in your group whatever that group is and how much prestige does she have in her group and whatever that is?
Then, character and this is the important one mostly for women, just as looks are pretty important for me. In character are you a 1, a 2, a 5, a 10? Whatever you are, put that down and what about her in character because, even though looks may be the most important thing at first, boy oh boy, if she doesn't have that character, you're going to be divorced in two years. So, add those up and the closer the numbers are...
[Angel Donovan]: So when you say character, what does that mean?
[Leil Lowndes]: It means...well, we talked about honesty, integrity, meaning what you say, saying what you mean, being a straight-on, right-on good guy.
[Angel Donovan]: Okay. Yeah, I often think about this as stability as well. People know what they want, they know where they're going. So, they have kind of clear directions to their life versus some other people and these guys and girls, they're a bit more manipulated by what's going on around them, things they're into. You see them kind of jumping around more. Would you say that's kind of a fit with that what you were saying just now?
[Leil Lowndes]: Yeah, no absolutely. Knowing...it goes back to the thing about a woman wanting a man who's able to take care of himself and then people around him. Yes, absolutely knowing where you're going and having a good direction in life is crucial. It's really more with women than it is for men.
A man's bottom line, character, personality, integrity, goodness, all these fine qualities. In fact something interesting, there was a study that was done where women were shown pictures of men and believe it or not, women could tell which men had children in the pictures and which ones were good fathers. So, there are good-father qualities and even if a woman doesn't want kids at all. It doesn't matter. It's built into our genes. We want a man who would be a good father if he were one even if we never want kids. [inaudible]
[Angel Donovan]: That's an interesting study. I'm guessing that has a...I know [inaudible] of some of the hormones because, I know that some guys have...I can't remember the name of the hormone but, they have a stronger response when their wives have a baby or you know, their partners have a baby in that and it's the paternal hormone. Again, I've forgotten which one it was and it causing them to be a lot more caring for the baby, invest a lot more in it and guys who are lower in that for whatever reason tend to pay less attention to the baby. So, maybe it's got something to do with that.
[Leil Lowndes]: Right, it's oxytocin. Testosterone is something to get the baby started but, the oxytocin is the chemical that women can tell if a man has or not and that's the caring chemical, the chemical for both. In fact, I got a lot into these things in my book How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You. Again, it's in techniques but, just ways to give off that oxytocin demeanor rather than just the high testosterone demeanor.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, oxytocin absolutely. I remember the one I was talking about which is a little bit different is vasopressin?
[Leil Lowndes]: Yes, that's the other one. Yeah, the vasopressin is...they go together.
[Angel Donovan]: Then, we talk about that another time. That's great. What should you pay attention to when you first meet a woman. Actually, we've already kind of dealt with that in a past question. So, we'll skip that one.
The other thing I want to talk about is dates because, guys always like stress a bit about what to on dates and where to take women. What would be like some of the ideal things you think a guy should do?
[Leil Lowndes]: Believe it or not (studies on this one too), if you do something a little scary, it's better because, it gets a woman kind of tingling and she will transfer that tingle over to you. For instance, oh I love the ballet. Most men don't love the ballet but, if a guy takes me to the ballet, Oooo I just get so excited over the dance that I will transfer that feeling to him.
And also, there was a study again in How to Make Anyone Fall with You. I have all these studies and one study that I just was fascinated by is that men who took women on a rollercoaster ride, the women were more attracted to the man and when they didn't take them at this particular fair on the rollercoaster.
So, doing something just a little scary, especially if it involves physical contact. Like maybe if the lady has never in-line skated or something like that. I mean, you don't want to take her bungie jumping or sky diving on the first date but, something that is scary and maybe she needs to hang on to you a little bit like, "Dude, this is skating" or something like that.
[Angel Donovan]: Yeah, yeah I used to often go skating when I had one nearby and the nice thing about that also like if you're a decent skater, you can teach her how to skate and it's kind of the role of the guy to take charge a little bit more and stuff so, that's a good one.
[Leil Lowndes]: There you go. The masterful thing again, yeah. If there's an ice skating rink nearby, take her to the ice skating rink because, she'll have to hang to you if she's not a good skater. So, that's good.
[Angel Donovan]: And if you're in New York in winter, there's a great ice rink right in the middle of...
[Leil Lowndes]: Yeah, Rockefeller Center, absolutely.
[Angel Donovan]: Well, great thank you for that. There's a bit of a question of balance when it comes because, you've spoken about this tension. That it's better for women to be feeling, right, a bit of discomfort when you're staring at them, you're looking at them a little bit more intensely than they're used to, keeping the eye contact there or in the examples we were just talking about there.
So, there's a question of balance also. You don't want to like push it too far and have her quite far out of her comfort zone. So, it's really like talking about like doing things which are a little bit outside of her comfort and sometimes a bit more exciting than the usual. It's basically not being normal, right? It's a little bit less than normal.
[Leil Lowndes]: Yeah and usual. For instance...also people like to feel their being judged a little bit, women do, in a nice way and one little eye contact trick you can use is if you're talking with three or four people, when someone else is talking, don't glance at the person who is talking if that's not the person you want to impress. Glance at the lady you want to impress and watch her reactions and it's kind of like you're judging her reaction and meaning her interested in her and you're judging her character, how she feels about certain things especially if someone tells a dirty joke. Don't laugh, just look at her reactions. If she laughs, sure go ahead and laugh but, if she doesn't, don't laugh.
[Angel Donovan]: Ah, that's interesting. I haven't heard that one before. I haven't heard that one before. That's an interesting tip there. Good point.
[Leil Lowndes]: Yeah, just co-react. I call that tip co-reacting.
[Angel Donovan]: Co-reacting.
[Leil Lowndes]: However she's...
[Angel Donovan]: So, watching out...
[Leil Lowndes]: Yeah, co-reacting.
[Angel Donovan]: ...watching out for her values basically. What she's...
[Leil Lowndes]: Right, right.
[Angel Donovan]: Right. That's an interesting one. Thank you. What advice...this is kind of like a tricky, I think for some people but, I think it's really important because a lot of guys do ignore aspects of the advice we give them and they kind of selectively do that based on the way they feel about it. So, is there any important advice you give out a lot to men that you think they ignore the most often?
[Leil Lowndes]: Yeah, if a man is attracted to a woman, he will ask her out or want to see her again without enough evidence that he really knows who she is. In other words, if say you're...not you but, some guy who is very much attracted to a woman, if she hasn't really had the time to talk about her interest or her whatever.
She's proud of her spirituality or her fun-lovingness or whatever it is. Don't ask her out until she's had a chance to show who she is. Then, it shows you're not asking her out just for her looks because, women don't want to be liked just for their looks. They want to like for their character because, that's what they like about you.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, right. So, you tend to see that men jumped the gun when they haven't learned enough about her. They haven't tried to learn maybe enough about her.
[Leil Lowndes]: Right, so even if you're not interested (this sounds manipulative), try to find out more about her before popping again kind of a "Let's get together" thing.
[Angel Donovan]: Great. What are the biggest objections you've come across to your advice on dating and relationships. This happens to all of us. So, I think it's always interesting and really useful also to find out what these objections are.
[Leil Lowndes]: Sure, I mean it's very, very simple. Many of my suggestions have been called manipulative and my defense, if we need to call it that is you're not manipulating if you're doing something to make the other person feel good about themselves. If you're getting them to do something that's harmful to themselves, that's what I call manipulation.
But absolutely, manipulating people into feeling a certain, as long as it's not going to hurt them and I think here we're talking about manipulating a woman into liking you and I'm so sorry the word manipulation has such a bad connotation because, it's not bad. It's just working to make someone, to encourage someone to like you and a lot of the techniques are manipulative to make them like you.
[Angel Donovan]: That's a really good point because a lot of people learn about charismas. Like politicians will actually learn a lot about charisma for instance and body language and all sorts of things which you could say are manipulative techniques also but, when they're good at it. Like, you know Bill Clinton was quite well known for being very, very warm and taken well then, people don't object to that at all. They find him a very likable guy.
[Leil Lowndes]: Absolutely, makes you likable if you know some of these manipulative techniques that I teach in How to Talk to Anyone. It's okay to manipulate as long as you're not out to hurt somebody.
[Angel Donovan]: Great thank you for that. So, where would the best place be for people to connect with you? Are you on Twitter? Do you have a favorite website? I know you have quite a few. So, is there one of them where you prefer people to connect with you. I know you mentioned one before. Maybe that would be the one?
[Leil Lowndes]: Yeah, I think that's probably the best one for guys who are looking to meet women, www.CoolCommunicating.com. Also yeah, I'll give out a Twitter. I mean, I do a Twitter thing which is @Leil_Lowndes. There's no underscore.
[Angel Donovan]: There is an underscore. Yeah, there is.
[Leil Lowndes]: Or is there? Okay, @Leil_Lowndes and also I have a Facebook personal page and a pro page but, they're pretty much each one doesn't tell much about myself because, I don't feel the world's that interested. I feel that their interested in the techniques to get the [inaudible]. So, each and every day or every other day, I try to give a little quick tip, 140 characters or less. It's tough to help people have others like them, to get over shyness, to help people like them better and to get the opposite sex or same sex to like you better.
[Angel Donovan]: Thank you so much. Great. I'll also put that all in the show notes of course because, personally I found your name a little trickier. Maybe it's because I'm not American. So, I'll put that on the page. Is it or normal response or is it me?
[Leil Lowndes]: No, no, no. It is an unusual name. In a way, I'm happy for it because, it's easier to find me on the web if you...
[Angel Donovan]: You're the only one right?
[Leil Lowndes]: I'm telling you.
[Angel Donovan]: I'm the same. I've got a unique name. So, I'm lucky that way too.
[Leil Lowndes]: Well, I think there's a lot of people might think you're woman with Angel.
[Angel Donovan]: Well, I always say like it's originally a guy's name. Of course it is. Angels were all guys. So, like it just makes perfect sense to me.
[Leil Lowndes]: The old [inaudible]...
[Angel Donovan]: Actually I was thinking of a day (this is kind of random but), I saw this name Nikita which I've always loved because of the films. You know, I don't know if you know the films, the French films and stuff. It was a girl's name but, it turns that it's a guy's name in Eastern Europe and they get really annoyed with it all the time because, it's all these girls in the West using this name but, I was thinking if I ever have a baby, I'll call her Nikita anyway, a baby girl. So, is there anyone beside yourself that you would recommend highly for advice in this area like dating, sex, relationships?
[Leil Lowndes]: You know, I think that really the studies are so important and Dr. Helen Fischer, she's really absolutely right on with the chemistry of love and such. What was the book she wrote...Why We Love. I found that really insightful. Again, it gets heavy into the chemistry and the nature of the whole but, that's really, we are animals just like every other animal in life and we mate and we always...each and throughout the living community and plants too, we all want to get the best we can get. We want to mate with the very best person we can.
[Angel Donovan]: Great thank you for that. We have heard of Helen Fischer. I've seen her talks as well on video. So, I know she's got great material. Thank you for that. What would be your top three recommendations to guys who are basically starting from scratch, right? So, if they want to get better at this area of their lives and their starting from zero, what would be the top three recommendations you would make to them?
[Leil Lowndes]: Dress well, have good body language, slow down and deepen your voice and study up and learn what it really means to a be...I'm not going to say a man but, yeah a man, honest, strong, character, all of those good things. That's the hardest, the last one. The first ones are evident right away but, do you remember from all your dates? Good heavens, a woman's on the lookout for your character from the time she says hello. So, just make sure that everything you say is straight.
[Angel Donovan]: Right, I often think the thing that's harder about character is often is requires for you to make harder decisions. Sometimes the decisions are not in your favor or you don't feel like they're in your favor in the short term. So, it's a longer term objective and often in this day and age, everyone's really focused on the short term, right? That's just kind of the way we're wired also with all these phones. I think like with all these phones and everything that's so interactive, we're getting like all this positive feedback really quickly. So, we get these like short term jolts of dopamine all the time whereas, it's often in our interest to work on this long term things like character as you brought up but, as you say, it's harder thing because, it is that longer term thing and it requires sometimes saying, "Alright, I'm going to take this negative hit for this short term. I'm not going to feel so good about it but, over the long term, it's going work out.
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DSR Podcast is a weekly podcast where Angel Donovan seeks out and interviews the best experts he can find from bestselling authors, to the most experienced people with extreme dating lifestyles. The interviews were created by Angel Donovan to help you improve yourself as men - by mastering dating, sex and relationships skills and get the dating life you aspire to.
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