#111 FetLife as a Tool to Explore Your Sexuality with John Baku

#111 FetLife as a Tool to Explore Your Sexuality with John Baku

#111 FetLife as a Tool to Explore Your Sexuality with John Baku
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We're going to get pretty damn freaky! If you ever wondered what people get up to in BDSM - bondage, domination, sadist, masochist - today is where you're going to learn about how it all goes down. We’re going to be looking into many, many more sexual fantasies, and fetishes, and kink. It is probably going to surprise some of you, and for some of you it's going to be really damn shocking.

So, not all of you today are going to be taking some immediate "take homes". Maybe the kink / BDSM area doesn't interest you as much. However, this is an interesting topic for everyone because there is a part of every woman's mind that is interested in this. Since "Fifty Shades of Grey" came out, there's a lot more women who are exploring this side of their lives and are interested in it. So, potentially your girlfriend, or the next girl that you're going to be with, has this part of her mind and she's interested in this, interested in kink. She has her own little fantasies. If you reject that, if you kind of stick to the norms and you don't feel comfortable with those kinds of desires, or maybe you feel a bit judgmental about them and you may project that judgment on her when she brings them up (or when it comes up at some time), that doesn't help the relationship. It doesn't build trust, and it definitely doesn't help to help you to explore your sexuality, and for her to feel comfortable in her sexuality.

So, this is a great episode and I'd also like to recommend a book to accompany this episode. It's not a book from today's guest, in fact. It's just a book that I think goes well with today's topic that I've read recently. It's called "A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the World's Largest Experiment Reveals about Human Desire". Why this book is really cool is it really goes into the nit-and-gritty of what people's real desires are.

If you think about it, a lot of research is biased. Even when we have academics on here, often they're using surveys. And as we know, people aren't always 100% truthful in all of these surveys because they're embarrassed, even when it's anonymous. This book is about the one source of information we can trust a bit more - that is the internet and what people search for. "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" has captured what people are searching for online and all of the types of communities and websites that have sprung up to serve this demand. So it really looks at the reality of what people's sexual desires are about men and women.

So it's really educational. It's quite detailed, and tough to get through, so maybe you'll just want to stick to this episode instead. But for those of you who would like more detail, and to really explore topics (and this topic in general), I'd really recommend it. It's a bit of an eye-opener.

Today's guest is John Baku. He launched FetLife.com in January 2008. Now FetLife, if you don't know what it is - I mean, not a lot of people do - it is basically the Facebook of BDSM, fetish, and kink, and alternative sexual expression. So it has a home for pretty much any sexual desire on this site. And it's not a dating site. It's not like OKcupid, or Match.com, or anything like that. It's not set up to specifically provide you a dating service. It's a social network for people to talk about these topics, for them to explore their sexuality. And, of course, dating can come as a side effect of that. So Facebook, it really is a good anecdote for what this is. You use it pretty much the same way as you would Facebook groups, and so on.

John talks today about everything that there is in FetLife and how it evolved over time, why it came into being. Perhaps most interesting for you guys, the different demographics and the interests that you'll find inside FetLife. If you feel some of the sexual expression discussed today, the ones that are a bit more on the fringes versus the standard norm, you may find that it's useful to go to FetLife.com and start exploring that, and talking with people there.

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Specifically, in this episode you'll learn about:

  • John's overview of FetLife (08:40)
  • Why John introduced FetLife to the world (10:52)
  • How FetLife has evolved and where it is today (19:23)
  • The kink community structure, and why people are interested in it (20:35)
  • Is FetLife based on personality and interests? (29:54)
  • Changing fetishes over time (32:00)
  • Discussing different types of fetishes (32:55)
  • The journey of sexual exploration and the FetLife lifestyle (37:52)
  • Approaching kink style activities and events (43:30)
  • FetLife's 2012 "naming abuser" issue and the legal parameters of identifying abuse (46:05)
  • What else people should know about FetLife (52:48)
  • Typical objections to the kink lifestyle and FetLife (54:10)
  • The best place to connect with John and FetLife (57:34)
Give some love to John on Twitter to thank him for the advice in this interview.
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Items Mentioned in this Episode include:

  • FetLife.com: Created by John, FetLife is the largest social network site for the BDSM & fetish community. He relates all the different types of sexual expression you'll find, and how to navigate and use FetLife as a tool to explore your sexuality. To contact John: john@fetlife.com
  • ALT.com: John noted this website while discussing his introduction into the BDSM lifesyle. ALT.com offers alternative erotic sex and BDSM, bondage, and fetish in sexual encounters, online and in person.
  • A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the World's Largest Experiment Reveals about Human Desire. Angel recommends this book to help understand people's real desires.
  • Fifty Shades of Grey: Referenced during the podcast, this internationally known book is about a daring, passionate, physical affair between a literature student and a young entrepreneur.

Full Text Transcript of the Interview

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