Why are we still so confused about relationships when we’re improving in other areas of our lives?

We are improving as a race, technology is increasing all around us, we are making some unbelievable discovers about the universe and the world around us. We know how to become doctors, lawyers, experts in all areas of our lives.

There is something really strange about one part of our lives.

We learn less about it than other parts, yet it is arguably far more important. We get no education in this part of our lives, and many of us are anxious about it, think about it a lot… and don’t understand why we get success or fail in it.

Why are we still so confused about relationships when we’re improving in other areas of our lives?

We are improving as a race, technology is increasing all around us, we are making some unbelievable discovers about the universe and the world around us. We know how to become doctors, lawyers, experts in all areas of our lives.

There is something really strange about one part of our lives.

We learn less about it than other parts, yet it is arguably far more important. We get no education in this part of our lives, and many of us are anxious about it, think about it a lot… and don’t understand why we get success or fail in it.

What we spend most of our time thinking about?

Think back to when you were a teenager. What did you spend most of your time thinking about? What questions did you ask yourself, but had no answers to? And had no way of finding answers to them?

If you are like most people it was things like:

• - How do I know if he/ she likes me?
• - When should I kiss her?
• - How should I introduce the idea of sex in our relationship?
• - Etc.

The answer is dating, AKA relationships. Romance. Love. Guys and girls. The birds and the bees…

Relationships and dating is arguably the most important part of our life. We talk about them constantly. They affect us emotionally more than most things in life. We get more upset, angry, happy and enlightened through relationships.

Yet it is the most ‘incompetent’ part of our lives. The area that we understand the least. You can be a high-flying professional with stellar academic and career background and still be an absolute failure when it comes to dating and relationships.

This is despite spending more time talking about it… reading about it… posting questions in forums about it. Despite our best efforts and investing more time in it from birth than any other area of our lives.

Checking in on the reality of dating confusion

If you don’t get what I’m saying here or you doubt it. Try this experiment. Take five minutes to check out these popular dating advice forums (www.loveforum.net, Dating Forum @ About.com, forums.plentyoffish.com). You’ll find the same ‘clueless’ and most basic questions every week such as:

• - Was this a date or are we just friends?
• - Is he confused? Am I confused? Help
• - Not sure how to read her.
• - Help… is this cheating?
• - SMS flirt advice?
• - 26 and never had a girlfriend, help!
• - Etc. etc.

Would you expect to see such basic questions in forums on other themes? No…

We are as a population less knowledgeable about this part of our life than any other. We have learned less about it. We are less able to guide the outcomes of this part of our life to success, and avoid failure, as a consequence. Because we often don’t know what is a right or wrong action or behavior.

The shocking truth of dating incompetence

The extent of the problem is significant. Based on our experience at Dating Skills Review approximately 20% of the knowledge people have about dating is real. That means 20% of the knowledge they have is effective and usable. Only 20% can help them to make good decisions vs. bad decisions. The rest of their knowledge… 80% of it, is misleading. It is based on either ‘false beliefs’ or is just completely unknown to them. We know this sounds huge. Quite amazing really. But if you think back to those questions you saw in the forums, doesn’t that sound realistic to you? When you are making decisions based on 80% bad information what kind of results do you think you will get? Imagine you were taking a maths test at school, and 80% of the information in the exam was either unknown to you or just plain wrong. Would you have a hope in hell of passing? NO.

Now take a look at any valid survey statistics (hint: do not trust what an online dating service says, find independent and objective surveys) on the divorce rate, on satisfaction in relationships, satisfaction and success rates in dating etc. You’ll find them on the whole pretty negative. Is it surprising? NO.

The Foundations of Dating Incompetence

I’m not saying we are all stupid here… in fact, there are many reasons why we are as a population are not competent in the area of dating and relationships. It is not our fault. It is on the whole down to a ‘societal paradigm’ that we have grown up in and has kept us from learning and improving our knowledge.

I’m going to explore the factors behind this here. It is only by facing our ‘blind spots’ that we can move beyond them. It is only by accepting our lack of understanding that we can start to really understand and improve. So hold tight… pay attention. We are going to look into the matrix.

Our lack of knowledge is maintained through a combination of a lack of rigorous research to create sound knowledge, a lack of any formal systems through which good information is taught, our own inhibitions preventing us from learning from each other, and confusing myths that are popularized through the media.

1. Limited Research Historically

One of the first scientific studies into relationships and human mating was undertaken by Alfred Kinsey and published in 1948. Before this research was biased and ineffective. Even this study was arguably not that rigorous compared to today’s standards for research.

Despite this study having taken place many years ago there has been very little research undertaken seriously into relationships and human mating for a long time afterwards. This changed around the 1980s when a greater interest was taken into relationships, and the number of studies has risen since.

Nonetheless, true progress has arguably only been made in research over the last decade. That’s to say, it is only during this time that research has started to uncover ‘truths’ of the reality of relationships and how human mating, selection of romantic partners, behaviors in romantic relationships works. For example, the first complete study to comprehensively link our genes to how we select our romantic partners was only published in 2007. That’s just a few years ago!

So, to start off with – the fact is that there just hasn’t been that much good information on dating and relationships in existence for very long.

That’s not a good start…

2. No Formal and Self Education

The next barrier to learning has been a complete lack of formal education on relationships and dating.

We go to school and learn about maths, literature, science and many other subjects. We even have some very limited ‘sex education’ in this day and age.

But where it comes to relationships, there is nothing in any high school, college, or university system on the subject.

If you talk to any business leader today they will talk about the importance of relationships. But still, you’ll find that even in the best business schools in the world there is little education on relationships. So, even for business relationships this is true… never mind romantic relationships.

There’s a gap in the education system. This is mostly due to the first issue. Because there is little history of research into relationships, there are very few ‘experts’. Very few people who actually can say they know ‘truths’ about the reality of relationships. It automatically follows that there are not many teachers around as a result. It’s a teacher supply issue.

There are no teachers, so the education system simply can’t provide it. Regardless of the demand or the need.

Even as the number of experts starts to rise as research has though, there is no sign of this getting integrated into the education system. Our education systems are focused on preparing us for ‘work’. Not for life. I’ll leave that to you to think about. It’s a philosophical and societal question that goes beyond the scope of this article.

Self education is normally where people make up for the gaps in the education system. So, for instance, for business relationships and leadership – which are big gaps that recruiters acknowledge there are hundreds of books you can find to educate yourself.

This is also true of relationships and dating. Go to the bookstore and you will find thousands and thousands of books for relationships and dating. In Amazon’s ‘relationships’ category they have 25,530 book titles!

Compare this to Amazon’s ‘finance’ category which has 24,504 titles. Finance is taught in pretty much every school and university on the planet. So it is pretty amazing that there are that there are more books out on ‘relationships’ than ‘finance’.

So there is a need there – people are trying to educate themselves. There is demand for self education books. BUT… there is a problem. Can you guess what it is?

Since there is very little history of research out there into relationships, compared with a robust subject like finance (which has years of academic research into it). How effective do you think those books on relationships are? Where does the information come from?

I’ll tell you where it comes from… people’s opinions. The vast majority of books on relationships, probably 99%, come from people’s opinions. Since most of those people have not studied the subject effectively, there is little evidence to say what they say is true or wrong.

Here is one terrible example to start with. A very famous book, which you have probably heard of is, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray. In fact John Gray has published a whole series of books based on the success of this book.

I would say the first criterion to look at information is that it is based in good research. Since that isn’t possible, we should then look to the success of the person giving us the information/ advice. They should at least be successful and have a relevant background to give an effective opinion.

Well, the funny thing about John Gray is that he was a celibate monk for nine years and got divorced from his first wife. That’s a strange background for someone you take relationship advice from, right?

Well, this is the situation for most authors of relationship books out there. So beware. We’re talking about low quality information… low success out.

Do you see how the issues compound on each other? The lack of research makes the lack of a formal education system worse? It makes the information that is taught unreliable…

3. Inhibited Communication of True Experiences

So, how about learning for ourselves? From our own experiences and those of our friends.

Most of the learning we do from birth is actually what you call ‘social learning’. We learn it from the people around us. This is why families tend to have similar ideals and values. A baby learns first and foremost from its family, its mother and father and potentially its siblings.

Then as it grows up it learns from social interactions with its peers, its friends, its class mates, people at university, at work, and where it goes out. We learn from our environments socially all the time. Through observation, and through what people say.

So, how could we learn about relationships and dating from those around us?

If we are lucky to be surrounded by people who are successful at dating and relationships, then we will learn good things from what we observe in their behavior. Unfortunately, as you’ll remember we brought up earlier, the surveys tell us that people overall are bad at these things and not satisfied with them. So chances are that you are observing less than well adapted behaviors to achieve success. That means you are learning the wrong things from observation.

Now, here comes the really tricky part. Something that when you think about it, you will know it is true. So read this line carefully and consider it.

“We very rarely communicate our true experiences about dating and relationships to others.”

Can you relate to this? When you tell your friends about something that happened in a relationship, are you telling 100% truth? Or are you embellishing it somehow? Virtually everyone is too shy to communicate the exact reality of their dating and relationship experiences to others.

It is rare for people to communicate openly about their experiences. They are embarrassed. Or often, want to make things sound better than they are or were.

The result is that a lot of the social learning we do from what we hear is incorrect. It is often biased by people fooling themselves, actually lying to themselves about their experiences. Or, if not, people also consciously modify the facts of what happened in their relationships and dates.

In the best case scenario they will tell you what they think worked or didn’t, based on their perception. On their opinion. And here comes the compounding issue again.

Those opinions were formed on the basis of their experiences, which are influenced (in perception) by what they have learned from the bad foundation of formal education and lack of historical research. It all feeds back into the loop. You are socially learning from other people who have as much of a lack of knowledge as you.

Confounding isn’t it….

4. Popularized Confusing/ False Messages

On top of all these barriers to learning things that actually work, comes one final, yet HUGE issue.

The media today, is extremely powerful. We watch massive amounts of TV programming. Read hundreds of articles on the Internet. Or in magazines. And within all of these there is an overwhelming bias to false messages that have been popularized in the past, and continue to be repeated.

We call these, the ‘dating myths’. Because they are like ‘old wives tales’ that have grown up through the ages, and are pretty much based in fantasy and myth like stories.

Why are they popularized today? For the same reason that most topics are popularized in the media. It sells… Our emotional buttons get pushed by it. We like to think that. We like to accept that. We have been brought up on it, so it is easier for us to accept than something new.

These are the “fantasy love story myth” and the “entitlement myth”.

These two myths alone are responsible for most people never even attempting to LEARN something more about dating and relationships in the first place. They encourage us to GIVE UP CONTROL of this part of our lives. To JUST ACCEPT it for what it is. They discourage us from learning, by saying there is no point, because making good decisions or bad decisions won’t change the outcome. Having good knowledge, or bad knowledge, won’t help us to get success instead of failure.

This is wrong. And terrible to think about. How many people give up, before they even tried? How many people accept a less than satisfactory dating life because of it? Bad marriages? Or destructive relationships vs. the possibilities of fulfilling dating and relationship lives?

“The Fantasy Love Story Myth” is the one that you see in every couples, love or romance movie out there. It says that love is destiny. That it happens naturally. That you have one soul mate. That it will just happen to you, without you making it happen.

If this is true, why are there so many people out there who never got that?

The truth is that this is just entertainment. It isn’t reality. We are given these stories because it helps us to feel good. It’s called escapism. The problem is, whilst it feels good when we watch it, it makes you feel worse in the longer term but encouraging you not to make effort in this part of your life. Not to learn.

Your life is not a movie or a love song.

Be careful what you listen to. It filters into your subconscious, and for most of us, love songs and love story movies have been pushing their way into our subconscious all our lives. Remember how you liked to listen to that sad love song after a failed relationship? EVEN though it made you feel bad. Think about that… and think seriously about consuming less of it if you want to feel better.

“The Entitlement Myth” tells you that if you are a good person you will have good things happen to you. People call it Karma. Nice guys, just think it because it seems to make sense. If I’m nice to women I will get rewarded by great girlfriends and relationships. If you’re a nice guy, take a look around you – is this true? You’ll probably see the less than nice guys getting more success than you.

Don’t get sour… It’s not because they aren’t nice. It’s because they don’t fall for the entitlement myth. The not so nice guys tend to also just go for what they want. And make an effort. So they get it. They learn from their own experiences and get better. Nice guys, who tend to trust in ‘entitlement myth’ lose out, not because they are nice, but because they don’t make those efforts to try, learn from experiences in the process, get better… and ultimately successful.

Happiness has to be worked for. Great dates with hot girlfriends have to be worked for. Fulfilling relationships have to be worked at.

So, you see how this last point, compounds yet again. These four factors build up to giving the average guy or girl a knowledge base in dating that is 80% false… and guides them to failure instead of success.

The Good News

A revolution is coming. To take part in it, all you have to do is take note of the four barriers to learning. Today there is real valid research on dating and relationships coming out by the truck load. There are great books, based in science, there is coaching from people who are actually successful.

There is ‘truth’ out there to be seized. You have to look past your friends, the places where you have traditionally learned from – where you got your false beliefs and accepted that is was unknown.

Be proactive. Look for the truths that are becoming increasingly accessible in a maturing dating advice market.

There are people who are going from complete failures to astounding success. To fulfillment. All they are doing is keeping their eyes open, being careful about the knowledge they acquire – and searching out the truths. They are finding good knowledge, taking it in, applying it and ‘controlling their relationship destiny’.

This is a call to arms… if you haven’t been getting success in this important part of your life. Step up. Take control. Seize the revolution and reach out to fulfillment in this essential part of your life.